Diary of a Kinky Librarian

Please visit me at kinkylibrarian.net

2008-07-07T18:51:00.001-05:00

I think I'm done cross posting between this and my new domain, so to read about the hot weekend I just had with MasterDoc head on over to kinkylibrarian.net. Thank you!

KinkyLibrarian.net

2008-07-04T10:06:00.002-05:00

Ok, I've finally updated my blogroll at my new site to correspond with my google feed reader. Previously there were blogs I wasn't reading and blogs there I hadn't linked, so now we're in sync. Now I can see if the blogs I haven't been reading are ones I want to keep on the blogroll. Hopefully anyone who links to me will update to the new address. I've opted not to update the list here.

Still up in the air about going to TESFest, sometimes family life intervenes and makes plans uncertain. The last thing MasterDoc needs is for me to be a pain in the ass, so I'm going to remain patient and look forward to whatever time I spend with him this weekend - TESFest or not. I barely got to see him last weekend so really whatever we do, I'll be happy. I'm in a good mood today, because I have a three day weekend to enjoy. (But yes, honestly I'm hoping we go to TESFest, it would give me so much to write about here and I could meet all sorts of interesting kinky people. Oh well, if we don't go this year I can hope for next.) I've always been fairly self-contained in my kink life but recently I've been more interested in meeting other people in the lifestyle. While I have a lot of friends who are kink-friendly already, it would be nice to have some friends who fully appreciate the deviant delights I get up to.

Putting the Kinky in "Kinky Librarian"

2008-07-01T16:36:00.004-05:00

Things have been quiet in my life lately. I saw MasterDoc briefly on Saturday morning but we just hung out. My butt is unfortunately completely bruise-free at the moment.

I had a hot thought today - if I ever engage in play piercing I *have to* have a camera handy as I want pictures of the work.

MasterDoc and I may be going to TESFest, this is not definite yet. I'm keen to go to the beginning needle play class, and the class on cutting. When I was younger I used cutting as an outlet for bad feelings, and I think it would be interesting to play with it in the controlled environment of my relationship with MasterDoc. Instead of doing it to myself under emotional duress, it would be administered to me in the context of a scene. I imagine that it might have the same cathartic effect. It's funny, the classes that catch my eye at TESFest are all under the category of "edge play." I haven't ever thought of myself as an edge player, but I think I've moved further in that direction as my submissive journey goes on.

I hope we go to TESFest as there's a local group of people from FetLife meeting up, and it would be cool to put faces and names to the online personas.

In the meantime, I've been discovering more and more kink blogs while on FetLife. I've added a few to my feed reader and hope to add them to my links list when I get around to it. I may only update my new site, however, as I keep hoping to move over there and leave blogspot behind. Ok, this isn't the grand unveiling I wanted it to be (the site still doesn't have the banner I created for the top. I'm having problems with wordpress and I'm not tech savvy enough to solve them) but the new blog site will be at www.kinkylibrarian.net. Yup, I've finally got my own kinky librarian domain like I always wanted. I've been mirroring the entries I have here on that site, and I uploaded my old entries a little while back. You can read the blog at either site. Eventually, however, I will move over to that one exclusively. Anyone who links to me, please update your links. Thanks.

Sugasm #138

2008-07-01T07:26:00.003-05:00

Yup I'm participating in sugasm again. Included a link to my entry "Hot Night."

This Week’s Picks

You’re going to come for me.

“I imagined her, bound. Wrists behind her back, whimpering.”

Champagne Orgasms

“I cry out, begging for him to stop, begging him not to”

Tie one on

“He slipped his hands under my blouse and teased my nipples and breasts with his strong hands.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself

Sugar Bank

Editor’s Choice

The Look

More Sugasm

Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above within a week. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

Erotic Writing and Experiences

Cream

Cunt Sucking. Confession #75

Dirty Girl

The education of Ava

Foot fantasy

Fucking the blonde on the beach-2

Good slave

Homework

lolidoll’s Ass Inspired Poetry - HNT

The picture that launched a thousand…….sperm

Questions and Answers

Spin The Bottle - Part Two

The Tutor

The Wrath Of Eve

Sex & Politics

Existential Crisis, or There is a Cum Shot At the End of This Post

BDSM & Fetish

Alas, still not enough

BDSM & Race

Chain

A good deed

Hard OTK bare ass spankings of naughty girls!

Hot Night

I Slapped Her Face With My Cock And Coated Her Tits With Hot Wax

I Was Naked When I Wrote This

A jagged soft puzzle

The Lilith Obsession, Part the Third

Mojada, castigada y humillada…

Panties for Men

Punishment in the Woods

Reclaimed.

A scene in two parts.

Trying To Understand Pain & Sexual Arousal, As Well As Unwanted Emotions From Certain Types Of Play

Watershed: She Takes Command

We finally get to really play again

Would the Real Mistress Please Stand Up?

Yellow, Black, and Red

You can be a PIG!

Sex Work

Back From The Desert. Kumi Kumi Coco Puff

Sex News, Reviews & Interviews

Bondage Model Carly Parker In One Of The Hottest Hogtied Sessions I’ve Seen

Catalina loves Lochai (An Interview With The Award Winning Photographer and Rigger)

The Countess Reviews “Swingtown”

Pure White Pleasure Tower

Review - Into The Attic

Sex News Roundup

Sgt. Major And Claire Adams In A Hot Erotic Choking Scene

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships

180 Degrees

Another swinging experience … continued

Autobiography of a Masturbator: Porn O’Graphicus, Part I

A Call From An Old Friend

Chivalry and Me

Co-operation makes it happen

It’s not easy being Sexhobbyist

Package Deal

Pain Isn’t *Always* A Good Thing

Pansexuality: Love is Everything

Sex Advice

Feelin’ Hot Hot Hot: Sex And The Summer

He Keeps Losing his Erection…

NSFW Pics, Videos & Audio

A Bruised HNT

Brunette sucks off 3 Guys in office back room

Candice Swanepoel Looking Hot in Lingerie

Footsie

Free Sexy Videos

Free Videos: Spread legs humiliating caning for delighful babe in shame and pain.

HNT- Nightie Night

Hot Twins spanking in FREE sex chat video

Impertinent Question: What’s Up with the Male G-Spot?

Last Night…..

Marlena - Dream Girl

Mz Berlin Is Fierce In This Demask Corset And Fishnet Stockings

MasterDoc and Nadia Spend the Evening In

2008-06-24T18:42:00.003-05:00

I got to spend Monday evening with MasterDoc. It was an evening in, but as you can imagine our idea of an evening in is quite different than others'.

MasterDoc is currently without cable and internet (soon to be rectified). Without television to watch or the internet to surf we had to come up with our own fun. After dinner and a shower and letting MasterDoc nap (during which I cleaned of my own free will... what is happening to me? lol I even took the garbage out.) I got a text message, "Come suck my cock, woman." It was MasterDoc texting from the other room.

My collar was in the trunk of MasterDoc's car and rather than go get it, we put on an imaginary collar. I was in the right mindset, so it worked pretty well to imagine one. He had me set up porn on the dvd player and his laptop. He was determined that I find something in his collection of porn that I hadn't seen before, unfortunately I've seen a lot of it. So I kept having to go back and select another dvd. I was getting tired of doing this so when he asked if I had seen a particular dvd before I said, "No," or "I don't think so." Immediately after, he said, "Really, or are you just saying that so you don't have to go get another dvd?" And of course I admitted that was the case. He wasn't happy that I had lied to him. I hadn't even thought about it being a lie, I just thought of it as "I'm tired, let me just say what will get this dvd fetching to stop. I don't care if it's a dvd I haven't seen before." It was a little white lie but he was pretty unhappy that I would lie to him at all while wearing the collar. I apologized and decided to keep myself in check next time. I hadn't meant anything bad by it, but he's right, I shouldn't be lying to him.

He had me suck his cock a bit and then he got ready to fuck me. Unfortunately the lube was in his car as well, so it came down to me having to provide enough lubrication myself. No pressure (she said sarcastically). He had me play with myself and he'd ask if I'm wet yet, and I was so anxious about whether I'd be able to get wet or not that I wasn't focused on sexy thoughts and getting myself wet. It's really hard to get wet on command. I just get stressed out about doing it and it doesn't happen and then of course I get more stressed because I'm supposed to be wet and I'm not. The whole thing causes a lot of anxiety in me. Thankfully, as I tried rubbing my clit to generate wetness, MasterDoc started to flick my nipples and slap my face and thighs - in other words he got rough with me, and then I managed to get wet.

He had me get on my hands and knees and he fucked me from behind, the porn still playing on the tv and computer. Soon I was begging to come. He held off a little bit and reminded me that I needed to be quiet when I came (easier said than done). He told me to come and I did, and of course I forgot myself and got noisy. I quieted down when he stopped thrusting and reminded me that he had said to be quiet. Oops. He fucked me for a while, and pretty hard too.

We took a break and I sucked his cock for a bit, then he decided to fuck me again. This time I was on my back. Luckily, I was still wet from before. I tried to keep my eyes open a bit, I always close my eyes while having sex. It can be wonderful to make eye contact during sex but as soon as I get into it my eyes just close. I focus on what I'm feeling. I don't know if I'm capable of orgasming with my eyes open. I think I can open them mid-orgasm for a few seconds but that's about it.

It was getting late, but of course I hadn't yet gotten MasterDoc off. He had me play with his ass while he stroked himself, and I harbored a secret wish for him to come in my mouth (something he's never done before). He came to orgasm with my help and I honestly did enjoy watching (and participating). My secret wish came partially true when he had me lick off the come that was on the head of his cock. Then he told me to put my tongue out and he rubbed his cummy hand across my tongue.

I don't think I've adequately described how hot this evening was. Sometimes adequate words escape me.

Hot Night

2008-06-22T15:15:00.004-05:00

I had a lovely night out with MasterDoc last night. We went to one of our regular swing clubs. Very few people were there when we got there, in fact we ended up chatting with the only couple there. Turns out they remember us from the party two weeks ago at the other club, the BDSM/swing party. They had seen him flog me while on the St. Andrews cross and later saw us fucking in the exhibition room. The point came up that it's possible we scare potential couples off with the BDSM part of our playing. I had never thought of that. You know, the thought that not everyone thinks a flogging is hot never entered my mind. How funny is that. I mean, it's a naked woman, how bad can it be? But the thought processes of a non-kinky person are such that they think, "That poor woman." They don't realize that despite the yelps of pain I'm enjoying myself. They don't know that MasterDoc can relate to women in other ways other than beating them. (He's a sweetie. Really he is. He's a delicious mix of sweet and sadistic.) I'm so used to my lifestyle that it doesn't occur to me that others aren't into it. Maybe I spend too much time on Fetlife and CollarMe. lol To me BDSM and sex go hand in hand. Sex is so much more enhanced with BDSM involved.

We wandered around a bit and discovered that one of the rooms had a bed replaced with a spanking bench. And it's a darn nice one. MasterDoc was so excited he had to go tell the owner he's pleased. There's also a small stocks in there, where you kneel on the pad and put your head and wrists in the stocks. Looks dreadfully uncomfortable. I kept going back and forth between a desire to try it and a thought of, "What are you crazy?" (But I think we know I'm a little crazy.) He spanked me on the bench a little bit, tried to see if he could fuck me from that angle, but I was too high up. As usual I'm too tall. But it was still hot as he pressed his clothed pelvis up against me, somewhat dry humping me. Rowr. I was really turned on last night.

I sucked his cock for a while and really got into it. I like when I get into it because I seem to do a better job, plus being into it is just more fun. I managed to keep it wet with my saliva and sucked gently but consistently. From the sounds that came out of MasterDoc's mouth I think I was doing a fairly good job. (He's been training me in what he likes for nearly a year now. Can you believe it, nearly a year.) After that, we wandered around a bit, checking out the couples who had arrived. No one seemed interested in playing with us. *pout* But of course MasterDoc decided that we would simply have to make our own fun.

We went back to the room with the spanking bench and again lay on the bed. I sucked his cock some more and then he took the crop to my ass a bit. As he was doing this, the owner came in to turn up the air conditioning and he pointed out that there's a cane sitting on the table next to the bed. Oh my. I had never been caned before. At first MasterDoc says, "What are you crazy, she can't take that," but soon he's curious, and I'm curious. And I'm premenstrual so as usual my pain tolerance is up. He swats me very gently at first and it feels lovely. Then he gets a little harder and it starts to hurt, but I still like it. The fact is though, he couldn't get terribly hard swats from the angle he was in. I would be in serious trouble if he could get a good swing going.

He had me play with myself as I lay on my stomach and he swatted my ass. I was sopping wet from the spanking earlier, and the blow job and the spanking that was going on at that point. He decided to fuck me. As the English would say I was gagging for it. (That's the best expression I know to explain how I felt. lol If you're not familiar with it I'm not sure I can translate it into American with the same affect.) He had me put my ass up on a pillow and he made me beg to be fucked, loudly enough so others could hear. He fucked me and very quickly I felt like I was going to be able to come. I was so revved up and so horny and so into everything that was going on. I begged to be able to come but he held off a bit. I rode the edge like I've been training myself to do. So when he finally told me to come I came right away. I started squrting a fucking river, all over the pillow and sheet, he pulled out and the fluids just poured out of my cunt. He fingered me a bit and I screamed in pleasure the whole time. Why people didn't come running to see the show, I'll never know. Very hot. Their loss.

Shortly after, we ended up fucking again. This time, without my getting to the point where I ask permission to come he tells me at one point, "Come," and instantly I do. Again I squirt a bit. This time, he wasn't as prepared as he was the first time. You see, he has to make sure he's thrust well in me when he allows me to come, otherwise my internal muscles push him out. This time no sooner had he said, "Come," than he thought, "Oh no, the auto-eject!" Again he fingered me and god did I come and come. I mean, we usually have hot sex but last night was just exceptionally hot. I love how I react to his voice now and come on command. What an accomplishment! Someday I hope to be like S. and come just from the command, no stimulation. (So often she says I'm her slutty role model, but in this one thing she's mine.)

We cuddled a bit (and talked a little about my negative blog entry from two days ago, but let's not bring down the tone of this one. Let me just say that he's really there for me and I really feel that he will always do his best to take care of me.). We were getting dressed when a couple came in and were pondering what the spanking bench was. We gleefully offered a demonstration and they watched, wide-eyed. This was fairly new to them although the guy had briefly dated a Dominatrix at some point. We ended up staying longer to talk to the couple, who were rather drunk I must say, but we had a nice time talking. The guy invited us back to their place but it was so so late at that point. Instead MasterDoc gave him his number and we suggested getting together Monday night since I might be seeing MasterDoc that night. (Now let's just hope my period holds out til after!)

What a fucking hot night. *grin*

Happy Girl

2008-06-21T16:25:00.000-05:00

I'm a happy girl. I got to spend a couple of unexpected hours with MasterDoc yesterday and I'm going to see him tonight. I feel lucky! We're planning on going out tonight so hopefully there will be tales to tell. Yesterday we mainly cuddled and reconnected - might not make for exciting blogging but it was so needed. I sucked his cock a few times as well, from a soft state until it was nice and hard. It's interesting how I can bury my face in his crotch when he's soft but I gag on him when he's hard. I have a terrible gag reflex. I'm constantly triggering it during fellatio. I end up with watery eyes and the sniffles from gagging myself. But it's all in good fun and I'm working on improving it. I get a sense of satisfaction when I can manage to deep throat. And I think there's something hot about gagging on his cock. Just wish I didn't get the sniffles, most unsexy.

The Negative Side of Sex

2008-06-20T09:08:00.004-05:00

Continuing on with the theme of facing the negative side of sex head on, I'm inspired today to write about a discussion I've had via email on Collar Me with another sub. We got on the topic of the assault I suffered about three years ago. (She's unfortunately been through something similar.)

For those of you who haven't read my old blog, or read far back on this blog, I was sexually assaulted at a play party by the party host. For the first time ever he decided to play with me, and he decided to use a speculum as a sex toy. I wasn't comfortable with that but in the spirit of trying new things I figured if I didn't like it I could just ask him to stop. After all, that had always seemed like the un-transgressed rule of the parties - no means no. So he put it in and it hurt. And I told him, "That hurts, take it out." He not only ignored my request, but when someone else reiterated what I said he shook his head no and shifted the speculum inside me, which only served to jab me further. I started to panic, looked at a friend I had there that night for help, unfortunately said friend was otherwise engaged and I panicked further. I decided that this was going to stop right then and there and shouted out my request for everyone to hear. That stopped the guy in his tracks. After he removed the speculum, I slapped his arm (not as hard as I should have) and ran off to the bathroom where I burst into tears. It was a very traumatic incident for me, which wasn't made any better by people that night wanting me to "make up" with him and hug him (the LAST thing I wanted to do) and then later making excuses why it happened. "He was drunk." Yeah, like that's a good excuse for ignoring someone's wishes to stop and traumatizing them. I tried talking to him afterward but he took exception to my calling it assault and insisted it was just an "accident." Soon, he was doing his best to convince everyone else that I was crazy. Anyway, I stopped going to those parties (Since I called him on his bullshit he told me I was uninvited. I had no intention of going back to his place ever again anyway.) I severed ties with everyone I knew from the parties. And I then spent the better part of two years trying to work through what had happened. I really feel like I should have saved my therapy bills and sent them to him to pay. He owes me that much, the bastard.

I shyed away from sex, and basically had a monogamous life with Davey, despite our being polyamorous in name. Davey, bless his soul, was really patient when I'd be triggered again during sex and have trouble continuing. I dealt with all manner of post traumatic stress. It still crops up from time to time, but I've managed to work through much of it and return to my slutty ways. But I have to say I feel really glad that I go to parties with MasterDoc as I trust him to always watch out for me and to always be in control of the situation. I can relax and enjoy myself because I have him there with me. He keeps a keen eye on everything that's going on.

Anyway, that's the back story. In my email exchange with this other sub, we got on the topic of experiencing some of the trauma again, but on your own terms this time. For her, it took the form of watching a horrific rape scene from a movie. (I couldn't bring myself to watch it.) But I've thought a few times recently, that perhaps having some sort of scene with MasterDoc using a speculum might be therapeutic in a way. I trust him. He knows me well and would watch out for my well being. And afterwards, I could be cuddled and held by someone who cares very much about me. It would be a very different experience than the assault. It would be a way of re-experiencing it, but on my own terms. Having control of the situation might help take some of the power away from the traumatic experience I had.

I've read that rape victims often involve themselves in (play) rape scenes as a way of dealing with what happened to them. Having something happen on your terms can empower you and help you move past what's happened. Now, I've been raped as well but that was 10 years ago and doesn't have the sting the assault has, probably because it happened in England and the odds of me running into the perpetrator ever again are slim to none. Also, I didn't have a confrontation with the guy afterwards where he denied what happened. Whereas I run into the online presence of my assaulter all the time (he blogs on a few sex blogs and he's on FetLife. I go to read new and interesting sex blogs and of course he's linked on about half of them.) I don't know that re-experiencing the event on my own terms will completely close the door on my anxieties and bitterness, but it might help take some of the sting away. I've spent the past three years trying to lessen the sting. I'm bitter that it seems that it will never completely go away. My entire life changed in one night. I want a heartfelt apology and admission of what was done to me, but that will never happen. So I continue to try to find ways to dampen down the pain.

UK Guardian: The Aids scare was one of the most distorted, duplicitous and cynical public health panics of the last 30 years

2008-06-19T18:23:00.005-05:00

My old blog was more generally sex-oriented, whereas this one is BDSM oriented mainly. But something I'd like to incorporate from the old blog is education about STIs. I figure if you're going to talk about sex you need to talk about the good, the bad, and the ugly. I thought this article was fascinating though, and it goes along with my general thinking that STI risks are blown out of proportion as a way to control people's sexuality. Turns out with HIV that's actually true. The hysteria of the past 25 years? Overblown in regards to a heterosexual pandemic. Of course, I can understand why it was overblown in the early days, no one knew what this new disease was or how you got it exactly. But with knowledge hasn't come a backing off of the scaremongering.

At any rate, it's knowledge like this that confirms my belief in taking calculated risks sexually. Yes I swing, yes I'm a slut, but I use condoms without fail. Condoms are terrific in preventing HIV and hepatitis C. Most of the other diseases are easily curable. That leaves HPV and herpes. With the HPV risk I make sure I get regular pap tests to head off any potential cancer issues. With herpes I just have to accept the risk. Considering people who have it aren't contagious many more days than they are, I don't consider it a huge risk even so. Your mileage may vary, but I accept that disease risk is a part of life. I risk disease every day I go work with the public. Doesn't keep me from going to work. Why would I let it keep me from having sex? Testing is imperfect at best so I don't rely on it (but do get tested anyway because if something comes up I want to be able to take care of it.)

(On a side note I had to giggle at the name of the doctor cited in the article. Dr. de Cock!? Ok, Beavis and Butthead moment over.)

Midweek Blahs

2008-06-17T13:46:00.005-05:00

I miss MasterDoc. I had a chance to see him last night but I knew that Davey was going out of his way to get us dinner, so me up and leaving to visit MD wouldn't be the nicest thing to do. It had also been a long and tiring day at work and the weather was turning ugly. We have tentative plans for Saturday, when Davey happens to be away, so I'm hoping really hard that that will pan out. It's been a week now since I've seen him, which is typical, but it will be longer than that before I get to see him again.

The past few days I've felt like I could really use a good spanking. Who'd have thought that I would miss the sensation, but I do. It feels like something's missing from my life. The closest I've been to subspace was in the dentist's chair today (root canal, fun) and I zoned out just for a moment, got a little floaty in the head and forgot what was going on. Alas, it only lasted a brief moment and otherwise the whole experience was stressful and not fun - quite unlike a spanking. Dental work also lacks the intimacy of a spanking. *sigh* There's nothing like knowing MasterDoc is behind me, getting ready to hit me with his hand, or some implement. I love the anticipation of not knowing what he's going to use, or where he's going to hit. Is it going to be too hard for me to handle? When will he stop? Will he push me far beyond my limits or just get me going? How wet will all this make me? I find it grounding and exciting at the same time.

Last week was unexpectedly busy so I missed my sanctioned once a week masturbation. I know. I know. Bad girl. I also was crap at getting exercise in (just once). Today I hope to rectify both those things by masturbating and exercising - not at the same time, although THAT would certainly be interesting!

Quiet Weekend

2008-06-12T19:15:00.005-05:00

I won't be seeing much of MasterDoc for a week or two, so I won't have any new exciting stories to share. But I will endeavor to have some mildly interesting content here nonetheless. I started an entry the other day but it just meandered so I canned it. I might revisit some of it here but we shall see.

Last night I had a good time with Davey. We went out to dinner with a gay coworker of his, and then went bar hopping at gay bars. I haven't done the fag hag thing in ages and had a good time of it. We all got really drunk. We shocked his coworker with stories of our lives and what we get up to. Hopefully he's a discreet sort. (Hey, he's in an open relationship with his boyfriend as well.) He asked at one point if we've ever done BDSM and of course I had to say that yes, I have. He guessed I was Dominant, which is pretty funny if you know me well. I get mistaken for a Domme pretty often when the topic comes up. I admitted that no, I'm a submissive and a bit of a masochist. I ended up talking about MasterDoc a little bit.

It was funny when he asked me what it is I see in women. As a gay man he's just totally not turned on by women, but he took advantage of me being bi to ask about it. It's hard to say. I like their softness and curves. I like how gently they kiss, it feels different than men. He asked if I was into going down on women, and I had to admit I'm a bit lukewarm about it. I've done it, and sometimes enjoyed myself, but mostly I'd rather finger. He talked about how he's more into rimming than blow jobs and I said I'm the exact opposite. *grin* It was an interesting night.

The train ride home with Davey was interesting - the two of us drunk out of our minds. I brought up the blog topic I had thought about writing about this week - me being a pillow princess. MasterDoc has commented on this (see an earlier blog entry for his comment). Davey in his very honest, open drunk state implied that yes, I can be a pillow princess. lol

So the good question is what's up with that? It's not like I don't enjoy giving others pleasure, I just tend to focus more on my own orgasm. I focus more on receiving sensation than giving it. But since I've now been told twice that I'm a little bit selfish I think I'll focus more on giving. I need to learn to find the pleasure in making someone come. Well actually, I do get the pleasure of that. I think the more involved I am with what's going on the more of a turn on it is for me. When MasterDoc has had me use the magic wand on his ass while he jerked off, I felt pretty removed from what was going on - until I started licking his chest and I felt much more involved and found the whole situation really hot. When I'm sucking cock I'm into it and enjoying it. I guess I have to focus on how I can keep myself engaged when it's not my orgasm we're talking about. Something to work on. So, no, I'm not the sex goddess I make myself out to be. I've got some rough edges that need smoothing. I could sit here and analyze my childhood to explain why I'm sorta selfish but I'll spare you the details. Point is I need to get over it.

Sweaty Evening

2008-06-08T17:31:00.008-05:00

It's hot lately. Literally. It's been humid and oppressive the past couple of days. Unfortunately swing clubs aren't always adequately cooled in the summer.

MasterDoc and I went out last night. I was really looking forward to it as it's the party that combines kink and swinging. (Sings: "These are a few of my favorite things!") We packed up a bunch of toys and went to the club. Unfortunately, on the way there he remembered the one thing we forgot to pack - my collar. Noooo! I figured I'd be able to get in the mindset anyway, but it's funny the difference having that piece of leather around my neck makes. We were far enough along that it didn't make sense to go back, so we did without it for the evening. Made me a little sad though, I like wearing my collar. It really does help me get in the right mindset and when we're at a kink event I like it being clear that I belong to someone. I'm proud being out and about as his sub.

We popped into a couple of peep show places, trying to get up to no good in the booths, but we were chased out. No fun! We gave up on those and went on to the club.

The club was warm. Between not having my collar and me feeling like a gross, sweaty pig, I had a hard time getting my head in the right space. I felt cranky, and self-conscious. I wanted to enjoy the night (and especially didn't want to ruin it for MasterDoc since he paid for us to go to this party) so I tried to get past those feelings. It took me a little while though.

After hanging out for a bit, he put me on the cross and started spanking, and flogging me. I already had bruises from the day before and I think they got even more pronounced after the second beating. (MasterDoc doesn't like putting bruises on top of bruises, and he's the doctor so I trust his thoughts on this. He hadn't remembered/realized that I was bruised from the beating on Friday.) I was still in that sweaty, icky state of mind so I didn't enjoy it as much as I usually do. The flogging with the heavy flogger felt good, but I was so preoccupied with feeling icky. Now, sweaty sex can be cool but I don't like feeling sweaty and sticky before the sex has even happened, especially if said potential sex could be with new people.

Here's a photo of my bruises for you all to enjoy:

I had a couple of drinks and we wandered around a bit. We ended up in the open area with all the mattresses on the floor. We fooled around a bit but I was having a hard time still. Things changed when we talked about the idea of staying or going home, and I made a firm decision that I wanted to stay and try to get in the right mindset. I was going to try my best. MasterDoc gave me my bullet vibe and had me play with myself. He sucked on my nipples, drawing one up into his mouth and lifting the breast with the suction. I managed to, finally, get in the right frame of mind.

He decided to do sixty-nine and had me straddle his head. I sucked his cock until it was nice and hard. He played around with putting the bullet vibe in his mouth while going down on me. It was interesting but I couldn't quite tell what he was doing. Sucking his cock helped get me more in the right mindset... it's kinda comforting, like having a pacifier. lol It gives me something to focus on - I found it comforting on Friday when we had that guest over. He had me get on top and ride him, and that's when I really got into the sex. I wish the club wasn't so loud (loud music) because I was moaning like crazy but who the hell could hear it? I begged him for permission to come and he had me beg louder so people could hear. I said it loudly and he gave me permission and of course I had an orgasm. He got himself firmly inside me just as he gave permission, because my vaginal muscles have that "auto-eject" feature when I come. We relaxed a bit after, by this time being truly sweaty.

I don't think we played more after that, although we did watch some hot action go on between two hot women. (Although we debated whether the women were paid to be with the guy they were with.) There was some hot girl on girl action to watch, and another woman joined in at one point (her man left sitting on the sidelines, poor guy).

When he decided to head home, another trip to peep show booths was in order. The stores near the swing club are decidedly more relaxed about the whole "one person per booth" rule. We went into a booth and put in a dollar. He had me sit in the seat and go down on him while he pushed the button to get the window shade into the next booth to go up. I could feel the guy from next door try to stroke my ass through the slit in the wall. I think this was the hottest part of the evening though, I felt so naughty blowing him in front of a complete stranger in a peep show booth like that. Then he had me stand up, pull my pants and panties down, and he fingered me while the guy watched. The guy put his dick through the slit in the wall and MasterDoc asked if I wanted to stroke him. I said sure, and really enjoyed the idea of stroking the cock of some totally anonymous guy. I probably made his night. MasterDoc fingered me until I was so close to coming, and then he didn't let me come. We headed home.

In the morning I did some cleaning after breakfast. He inspected my bruises and took a couple of photos (not the one here, I had Davey take that one). Because of the bruises he decided that we would fuck rather than have any sort of beating today. We went into the living room and put porn on. I sucked his cock until it was hard. Then he had me use my bullet vibe to get myself warmed up for him. When I was ready to be fucked, he took me from behind. I kept playing with the vibe on my clit while he fucked me (turns out he had neglected to tell me to turn it off, but he really had intended me only to use it to get warmed up). I got so hot, and so horny. I desperately wanted to come. I begged to be allowed to come. I pleaded. I rode the edge for so long. But no luck. I had forgotten to thank him for my orgasms on Friday, so for punishment I wasn't allowed to come today. We tried a couple more positions, and were doing a sort of reverse cowgirl while he sat in a chair, and he (somewhat cruelly) said that if I could come in that position I was allowed to come. There was no way this was happening as my knees couldn't support me in the position. I couldn't keep going for more than a minute, let alone get myself to the point of coming. *sigh* Frustration. I cursed my bad knees afterwards. He fucked me some more over the couch, but it was just about time for me to head home to Davey.

When I got home to Davey, I told him he needed to take photos of my bruised ass. This of course led to sex (hey I was nearly naked already). We fooled around, fucked, and I still desperately wanted to come, but it was not happening. Finally, we hit upon the right combination - bullet vibe on my clit and a finger up my ass. Yes. Sweet release!

Eye Contact

2008-06-07T17:25:00.003-05:00

MasterDoc and I did a show for the first time in a while. I was a little surprised because his back is still bothering him. But we had a guest over yesterday afternoon, and of course I didn't know about it until just before.

My pain tolerance was a bit low, which of course is a bad thing when he's Domming me in front of an audience. He spanked me a whole lot, and had me look the guy in the eye. It's really hard for me to look people in the eye while I'm being used. I don't know that I find the use humiliating so much as having to make eye contact during it. I have to struggle to look people in the eye when he tells me to. It seems so intimate in a way - locking eyes with someone. I don't feel comfortable doing it with someone I'm not already comfortable with. I tend to be low on eye contact in social situations as well. On the other end of the spectrum, when we're playing in front of an audience I frequently look MasterDoc in the eye as it makes me feel more relaxed and comfortably under his control. I feel safer and more secure when I make eye contact with him.

He had me show this man my cunt at various stages. That was humiliating. But then in some small way I get off on humiliation, so mind you this isn't really a complaint. But I've found that even when you get off on humiliation or pain the things being done to you do feel humiliating or painful. It's just that you get wet from it at the same time. It's strange. I am a strange kinky girl. He had me put my leg up on the arm of the chair where the man was sitting and spread my cunt wide for him to see. I found myself looking at MasterDoc as much as possible as it can be uncomfortable having some strange man closely inspect your bits and like I said before, it's grounding for me to look at him.

He had me get myself worked up with a toy (my bullet vibe, I've now bought an extra one so I can keep it at MasterDoc's and have one at home and one at his place). They both watched while I played with myself. I was given permission to come and I came hard. (I really need to come up with another phrase other than "I came hard" I use it waaaay too much. Any ideas?)

He gave me a good spanking with various implements, which hurt, and then had me show my cunt to the man again. By this time I was wet. He had me suck his cock off and on during the show and that was comforting when I didn't have to make eye contact with the man. But of course he told me to look at the man while I sucked cock, look at him and pretend I'm in a porn movie and he's the camera. My eyes kept wandering away from the man's face. I kept struggling to keep myself looking at him.

MasterDoc spanked me some more and decided to fuck me. At one point he asked the man for his input on which hole to fuck and he voted for the ass, but in the end we ended up with vaginal fucking. When my head's down and ass is up I can lose myself in the fucking and not feel so self conscious. It's funny, I really do like exhibitionism, but sometimes I can feel shy or embarrassed while doing it. But I still like doing it.

Yesterday is notable as the first time my ass blistered from a spanking. According to MasterDoc there were little blisters on my ass right after. They faded pretty quickly, as they were gone a few hours later when we looked again. Today my ass is bruised and sore and I kept thinking about being spanked all day whenever I sat down. *grin*

Service

2008-06-04T17:32:00.006-05:00

Yesterday afternoon, I get a text message at work, "Call me when you can plz." It's from MasterDoc. I text him back that I'll call when I get home from work.

I get home and call him, and it turns out he's called in sick to work because he's hurt his back. Since he knows Davey is playing soccer he asks if I'd be willing come over to take care of him for a couple of hours. Now my brain is saying, "Noooo. I want to sit on my ass and go on the internet." But I agree to come over because after all, I wasn't extraordinarily tired or anything like that and being his submissive I am supposed to serve him. It was phrased as a request and not a direct order, so had I been genuinely tired and whatnot I think I could have gotten away with saying no.

On the way over my brain was whining. "I just got home from work. I want to relaaaax." But I worked on getting myself into the right mindset. I care about MasterDoc, he needs my help, and I am going to serve him as best I can. I got to his neighborhood and went to the grocery store for some salad since he said we needed some with dinner. By the time I got to his place, I had quelled the whining in my brain for the most part.

He was laying on the sofa when I got there, and moved cautiously into a seated position since his back hurt. We said hello and had a quick cuddle. He had me put my collar on. The first task was to gather the dirty dishes that were accumulating and get them in the dishwasher. I didn't listen carefully and started the dishwasher even though he said not to start it just yet. Doh. Minor boo boo. He had me sit with him for a few minutes. Being a Dom has its perks and he had me suck his cock for a while. I got kinda horny but I knew that it was going to be all about him that night.

I put together dinner for the two of us. Then I got to sit and watch Cash Cab with him for a bit while we ate. After dinner came the laundry gathering and helping him clear off his bed. (His place is cluttered at the best of times.) His back started hurting again so we stopped the straightening. I found that I was happier to help him out than I thought I would be. I'm a bit lazy and selfish by nature, but I think I do well having a Dom because it gets me to get off my lazy butt and to think about someone else for a change. It's a good feeling to be productive and helpful, it's just that my default setting is to kill time on the internet instead of being productive. You can ask Davey, I'm spoiled and tend to try to get away with as much as I can until I feel bad and compensate for my selfishness. I pay a lot of lip service to egalitarianism but I've spent my life having men do things for me. You'd think I'd turn out to be a Domme with that profile. But I think being a sub helps because I'm so bad at self-discipline. (And not good at disciplining others either, thus the utter lack of Domme capabilities.) I do well with someone enforcing some discipline into my life. Someone who won't let me get away with playing the princess.

It was nearly time for me to leave. The last fifteen minutes were spent helping MasterDoc get off. (You didn't think I'd get through this entry without some sort of sex involved, did you?) He had me use the magic wand on his ass/the area behind his testicles while he jerked off. At one point he asked if this was boring.

"Do you want an honest answer?" He did and I gave him an honest answer. It was kinda boring. Things got more interesting though when, at one point he beckoned me over for a kiss. And for once I had a bright idea, I started kissing and licking his shoulder, then his chest. I kept this up (along with the vibe on his nether regions) until he came. It was truly hot (and not boring).

It was time for me to go home. I got him a wet washcloth and cleaned up the mess, then got him comfy in bed with pillows under his knees. He thanked me many times that evening for coming to take care of him and I told him it was my pleasure. And you know what? I actually did enjoy it.

Off the Rails

2008-06-02T17:34:00.007-05:00

I don't have an exciting story to share from the weekend, unfortunately. On Saturday MasterDoc kept me waiting about our plans, and I went a little (ok, a lot) off the rails. It turned out that while on the surface it was him not calling me when he was due to, it was ultimately down to a bunch of extenuating circumstances. I wound myself up as I'm so good at doing (unfortunately) and got really angry and hurt at not hearing from him in a timely manner (at the root of this was insecurity). I got so wound up that I left a couple of angry voicemails when I couldn't reach him. Dialing while angry and over-emotional = not such a good idea. I was deranged enough to go so far as to say I was on the verge of never seeing him again. God, can you imagine the level of regret I'd feel the next day if I had said I didn't want to see him again? I'd have been desperately unhappy with that irrational decision and would go crawling back, begging for forgiveness. I'm glad I didn't take it that far, but he was certainly hurt by my saying that much.

We made up that night, however, and both apologized for our part in the scenario. He also calmly explained the circumstances that came up that prevented him from calling me. While I can get emotional and irrational for periods of time, ultimately I'm a rational person (once I calm down). The main reasons for him not calling were that his phone died on him and his tub accidentally overflowed to the point where he had to worry the downstairs neighbors were going to come banging on his door. He had a crisis that had to be dealt with immediately, and he didn't get my calls because his phone was out of power and had to recharge. As I said, extenuating circumstances.

I felt, and still feel to some extent, rotten for hurting him by going so far as to say I nearly didn't want to see him again. It was a ridiculous thing to say as he means so much to me. I can't picture my life without him. I was angry, insecure and not thinking clearly. I overreacted. I regret what I said.

Thankfully, as I mentioned before we talked and worked things out. I hope I never manage to go off the rails like that again, but I know I'm prone to such outbursts when feeling insecure. For some reason I'm really insecure where MasterDoc's concerned. I don't get that way with Davey or D.S. I'm all happy, poly, "go have fun sweetie" with them. This is definitely something to think about and try to figure out. I don't like being an insecure nutcase - ever. It's not a happy place to be.

We did have sex on Sunday, but MasterDoc decided to make it low key. I begged him to let me come while he was fucking me on top, and he said no. I accepted this as I knew I had upset him the night before. I didn't think he was going to let me come at all that day. A little while later he had me get on top. Again I got all worked up and on the edge of coming and this time, without my asking, he suddenly told me, "You can come now." And the fantastic thing is I did come right then, as soon as he gave me permission. It was amazing to have a hair trigger response like that. Maybe my working on riding the edge while masturbating is working. One can only hope.

I feel relieved that things are sorted out with MasterDoc. I wish I could take back what I said on Saturday night, but the best I can do is apologize and not do it again.

Drunken Post at 4 a.m.

2008-05-31T03:16:00.003-05:00

It's 4:15 in the morning, I'm drunk and I had a great time at karaoke. However, B. did not even so much as try to kiss or cuddle me. Now of course perhaps she's like me and not prone to making the first move. Or perhaps it was just awkward with her boyfriend around. I dunno. But at any rate I had a good time dancing and singing although I'm upset that the song I programmed in ("I'm No Good" by Amy Winehouse) didn't come up. *pout*

I wish I had something more interesting to say. I'm drunk you'd think I'd talk about all sorts of things, but alas, I'm boring. Soon I'll crawl into bed and hopefully I'll sleep late. Really late.

WordPress is a Go!

2008-05-30T20:51:00.003-05:00

Thanks to a random computer geek who is part of wordpress install4free and D.S. who is my personal web guru now (he runs a cool fansite, I gotta ask if he minds me linking it here) I have wordpress set up for my new domain. Coolness! Phooey on movable type which was too damn complicated to install, and doesn't have an associated project like install4free. Next job - designing a banner/the page and getting D.S.'s help with setting it up. The graphics part I can do no problem, it's the coding that I'm mostly clueless about. Of course, for his help tonight I've promised him an extra special blow job next time I see him. How else would I thank a friend for their help?

I've been talked into going to karaoke with a woman I had a date with a couple of weeks ago. Should be interesting as she's offered to pick me up so she can get me liquored up. ;-) I have my period still so who knows what will actually happen, but it's a new adventure. Tomorrow, I see MasterDoc, which of course I always look forward to.

To Be Announced... New Site

2008-05-29T16:33:00.003-05:00

I've decided that my new hobby will be making a website for this blog. I've purchased a domain name (to be announced when there's something there to look at) and site hosting, now I just have to figure out how the hell to make something of the space. (Special thanks to my pal the Curmudgeony Librarian for letting me know I should pay extra for private site registration.) I'm quite the newbie when it comes to web design. Many moons ago, my first blog was a site I coded myself. Er, well, when I say coded myself I mean I stole the code from a friend's blog and modified it using what I learned from a book called something like "Teach Yourself HTML 4 in 24 Hours." Yes, this was back in the wild days before blogger and other convenient blog programs. (Or if they existed I didn't know it.) I didn't know the term blog, in fact, it was just my "online journal." Not very exciting stuff as I blogged under my own name. The site was pretty basic. Each entry had to be a new page I created and manually linked to the page before.

I've bounced around blogging platforms a little and I like Blogger best for the ease of use, even if it is now owned by evil Google who stores all your information indefinitely. (I find LiveJournal to be hopelessly complicated. Vox was ok but who the hell uses it? I forget the rest I've tried.) But now I've decided to make life difficult for myself. *chuckle* I've downloaded two things that might help me - Movable Type (if I can figure out how to install it) and Nvu (an open source WYSIWYG editor I have yet to figure out how to use). I've got a 30 day trial of Photoshop Elements to do the graphics on (so far the most fun part and the part I know the most about doing!). This will certainly be a little adventure. I'll post developments here when there are any. My web host provides a site editing program but none of the templates are really satisfactory.

Anyway, I'm going to go enjoy my once-a-week-masturbation-without-permission session and then get to work installing Movable Type to see what it can do. Wish me luck! Any web geeks out there willing to give me advice when I need it? (Curmudgeony and D.S. are good for that.)

Sugasm # 133

2008-05-27T16:56:00.003-05:00

I'm participating in Sugasm again. I submitted my post called "Beating."

Sugasm #133

Julia S. courtesy of Badgirls Hotbox.

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #134? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks

Giving a Damn

“Something happened somewhere along the way, though. I began to care.”

Catalina loves “Better Sex Through Yoga”

“I’ve tried a lot of things, as you can imagine, but there were even a few new things in there for me!”

Reality Check: Dealing With Assholes

“Being able to decline a call is great but bills still need to be paid.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself

Sugar Bank

Editor’s Choice

The Secret Lives of Plants

More Sugasm

Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above within a week. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships

Infidelity - An International Pastime

Misc. Letters

Rant: Strip clubs are for customers, not dancers

Top Ten Law Phrases That Sound Dirty, but Aren’t

Sex News, Reviews & Interviews

Mistress Claire Adams Dominates Sarah Jane Ceylon on Hogtied

Sasha Grey HotMovies Interview

Site Review: Into The Attic

The Ultimate Smoking Fetish Movie - Julie Simone’s Smoking Interviews 3

Erotic Writing and Experiences

And Closer Still

Doin’ It Like A Porn Star

Fucking the co-worker

Ode to Anal - Sebastian, and the anal bond

The Ruf Guide to Coital Stamina

She’s Got Teeth

Smoking please.

So… who are you tonight?

Subway Ride

The West End Experience

Sex Work

My Naughty Thoughts

NSFW Pics, Videos & Audio

Bedroom Radio #15: JohnBaku of FetLife and the G Twist Vibrator

Bouquet

Duck Race HNT

Flirtatious little bows -HNT

Guy fucks a black mouth in free video

Half-Nekkid @5:30 am

Hot Asian webcam girl made me cum hard

Julia S. - Bellisssima

Missed Show Punishment Spanking - Video Clip

Mistress Seven and Mistress Porsche Lynn shopping

Mistress Zena trampling a lucky sub

Putu (Hegre-Art)

Video: Cock Teasing, Twice-Coming Fun!

Sex Advice

Advice: My Boyfriend Won’t Go Down on Me

Greater Intimacy Through Tantric Sex

On Desire

Reader Asks: I Haven’t Met Her, But Should She Leave Him?

Smelling Like Sweet Romance?? - The Dangers of Douching

BDSM & Fetish

Anniversary, fatigue and quickies

Another Interesting Morning

Arrival

Beating

Follow My Rules-Part II

Haunt Hunt, But No Goth Cunt

Learning My Limits (part 3)

My IMsL 2008 Trip – Part 6

Parachutes and Panties

Stock and Bonds, ch. 2

Summertime, And The Piggies Are Easy

Underneath

Essin' Em

2008-05-27T16:35:00.003-05:00

Essin' Em wrote a really hot post over at her blog. It's very long, but there's much kinky hotness in it including play piercing, knife play and (one I'm not up for) breath play.

Quiet Weekend, Nadia-Style

2008-05-26T11:39:00.008-05:00

My butt is sore and bruised today. While I had a mostly quiet weekend with MasterDoc and Puppy, I did get pretty well spanked. I went over to his place on Friday and we had lunch then watched Juno. (Cute movie.) Then we moved off to the bedroom. Things didn't go quite as he had hoped this week, however, as Puppy is on prozac. And like I experienced, her sex drive is really low. There's also the fact that they've been apart for nearly a year, so she needed time to reacclimate.

Still, she lent a hand when the bondage tape came out and bound my wrists together. I kneeled on the bed, wrists together, blindfold on. MasterDoc spanked me, but it was a different experience because Puppy kept cracking jokes and poking at me from time to time. It was a laughter infused spanking session. Next he got me on my back and thankfully the tape came off soon after. He spanked my thighs, which always hurts a whole lot. He made a comment on how the way to get me wet is to spank me.

He slapped my thighs some more and the mood kept changing. Just as he'd get serious Puppy would crack a joke and we'd all laugh again. But soon he started fingering me and I stopped laughing. I came so hard (with permission of course) that I didn't notice that Puppy licked my nipple with her tongue ring while I did. Totally missed that. lol As usual I made a lot of noise and Puppy commented, "I guess the opera is in town."

MasterDoc left me under the instruction to get Puppy's clothes off, which I had no problem doing because she simply took them off. When he came back he spanked her for a while. She likes to struggle while getting spanked, very different than me. She's also pretty bratty in an attempt to get him riled up and spanking her. I prefer it personally that he not be angry when he hits me. (He never hits in anger, so the taunting on her part doesn't get her really far.) She's got a really cute butt so it was fun to watch. I knew he wanted me to get involved but I always feel shy around girls. I never want to go where I'm not wanted, you know? I always err on the side of not touching them rather than risk making them uncomfortable. I guess I shouldn't have worried so much seeing as she was feeling free to touch me (after asking me if it was okay) and the whole nipple licking incident which I had missed. Doh. He put me on the sybian and I came so incredibly hard. lol Even after watching that, Puppy was still tentative about the idea of riding it herself.

We ended up having dinner, then getting ready to go see Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay. Unfortunately, after it was too late to leave early, MasterDoc looked up the movie time and found he had made a mistake by about 10 minutes. Doh. So we ended up staying in and it was a quiet night.

I worked the next day but went back to MasterDoc's after work. (Davey was away visiting one of the other women he and MasterDoc have in common.) Originally we were going to go out to a swing club, the three of us, but with Puppy's libido being really low MasterDoc decided we would make it to the movie that night instead. MasterDoc and I thought the movie was hysterical, Puppy less so. Again, we had a relatively quiet evening in, with Puppy getting an over the knee spanking on the sofa. Later, I went for MasterDoc's penis in an attempt to get him to take me, but ultimately I just gave him a blow job for a while. Phooey.

The next day I had plans in the afternoon with Davey and friends, so I just had the morning with MasterDoc and Puppy. (I should put in that I call her puppy here because she's into puppy play - she even has a choke chain collar and leash she likes at MasterDoc's.) We went to IHOP for breakfast (yummy). I thought that it would be really funny to call MD "Dad" while were out since Puppy and I are both much younger than he is, but I didn't. (He's 53, she's 21, I'm 35.) Of course twisted girl that I am, I thought it would be funny to do so then make out with him on the way out or something. Yes, I have a twisted sense of humor.

Back at MasterDoc's, we hung out some more and MasterDoc was hoping to have us both ravish him. Didn't work out quite that way. I was cooperative but Puppy wasn't much in the mood. He spanked me a whole lot (thus the bruises today) and I even earned myself some punishment spanking when I told her that we had found the evil strap that she hid the day before. (It was supposed to be a surprise.) I totally didn't think before saying that. *hangs head* He encouraged Puppy to join in, when she said "two minutes" he said ok then started to spank me for the whole two minutes. Thanks. So much for sisterhood; I think she added to the things that I had done to me.

MasterDoc had me go down on him for a bit and conversation kept going while I did so. He spanked her for a bit and as she struggled she kicked him in the nose, giving him a bloody nose. He took care of it then proceeded to spank her some more. He had given me instructions to help spank her, so I took up the crop and hit one cheek while he hit the other. I think I discovered a slight sadistic streak I didn't know I had. lol

Eventually, Puppy went out to the living room and MasterDoc had me lay on my back. He spanked my thighs and pussy with the riding crop slapper. He really went to town on them. Youch. He was actually aiming to leave me sore. He got out the hitachi magic wand and used it on me. He'd alternate the wand and slapping my thighs. Pleasure and pain. ("I like pleasure spiked with pain..." - Red Hot Chili Peppers) He let me come and I came hard, he then put his fingers inside as I was coming and started fingering me in addition to the wand on my clit. I came harder.

Unfortunately it was time for me to get going, and Puppy was going out to see her friend. We both said goodbye to MasterDoc and I dropped her off at the subway.

Post-script: I posted this then remembered something really hot that happened. On Sunday while MasterDoc flogged me with the heavy flogger I felt so horny and turned on that I could potentially come from him doing just that to me. No genital stimulation. God, I hope we can work up to something like that some day. *grin*

Random Blog Bits

2008-05-23T07:57:00.005-05:00

Well having the widget hasn't yielded much. First person to message me was trying to speak to me in Turkish. (I only know this because the only things I could understand were "No English." and "Turkish.") Alas, I do not speak or read Turkish (and babelfish doesn't translate) so I couldn't have a conversation with this person. Next, someone sent me a message saying they like my blog. This was really nice and I would have responded but I was away from the computer having dinner at the time. By the time I came back they were gone. It's nice to see people are looking at my blog, however. Nearly all the time I'm online (usually in the evenings) there's someone or another showing up on my blog widget, even if they don't say hello. (Everyone's called "guest" and a number.)

Looking at my site stats has become a daily diversion. The most oft used search term to find my blog? "Sex" Some people also search specifically for the kinky librarian or masterdoc. My fetlife profile has been getting me a little bit of traffic as well. Links from other blogs are great.

Today I'm going over to MasterDoc's but he has a guest staying with him this week. Puppy is a 21-year-old submissive of his, who's been away at college across the country. Needless to say he's looking forward to having a threesome with us. He also may be planning a show with the two of us. And, he plans to take us both out to one of our usual swing clubs tomorrow night. Ah the perks of being a Dom!

Sometimes I wish being a fem sub had some of the perks of being a fem domme. I'd really love to get Photoshop (and/or Dreamweaver) so I could make my own site but it's friggin expensive ($649 and$399 respectively) and I rather doubt anyone would give a fem sub tribute. lol I'm thinking about getting my own domain name and switching to typepad or word press to do my blogging. I'm pretty sketchy on how all this is done but D.S. and one of my librarian friends are willing to help me. (Yes a few librarian friends know about this blog.) I'd consider buying Photoshop Elements (downloaded a free trial yesterday) but it's really not what I'm looking for. The free Photoshop Express is way too limited to be of assistance too. Anyone know where I could get these cheap? I know of a site that is cheaper for non-profits and students and such, but I don't have a current student ID anywhere. *sigh* Too bad I didn't know about that when I was working on my Master's degree. I've never used Dreamweaver but I'm familiar with some other Adobe products. Anyone know of comparable freeware?

Average

2008-05-21T20:10:00.003-05:00

The post I came across on futurecatlady.net got me thinking. In it she says, "I used to always read the kinky librarian and live through her adventures since I am not like her…at all." Now the funny thing is, that while I'm not like your average person in the way of my being polyamorous, a swinger, and all the kinky sex, in most ways I'm pretty damn average. If you met me on the street you'd never suspect I'm the Kinky Librarian.

I'm average looking. Tall and chubby. Cute but not beautiful. I seem like the usual quiet nerdy, slightly indie type. (Not hip enough to be an indie "hipster.") I'm a geek about music that I like. I'm a geek about library stuff. I'm kinda gothy but it's all on the inside. I look really average. When I'm not getting up to perverse pleasures I watch movies (lately watching Jeeves and Wooster episodes, borrowed from the library of course), surf the web, hang out with friends, play games on the computer (MasterDoc has me totally hooked on Ticket to Ride). I like going out to dinner and occasionally going to a concert, although I'm feeling too old (or rather, my knees are feeling too old) to stand around for hours at concerts any more. I love British comedy and collect DVDs of wonderful Brit coms. (It all started with my exposure to Monty Python in high school.) I really like drinking tea, good tea. I'm a total freak when it comes to my teddy bear. (I still sleep with him and he's got a name, and a personality to boot.) I'm quirky yes, but I tell you, if you met me on the street you'd never suspect.

I find that the people I run with are similar. Somewhat nerdy, really bright, very average looking people. You don't have to be gorgeous and have a hot bod to be a successful slut. MasterDoc has women of all ages lining up to be with him and he's an average-looking, chubby, 53 year old guy. But meanwhile he's an exceptional person - both in intelligence and in being an all around wonderful guy, not to mention a Dom who gets me super hot on a regular basis. Davey is cute but average. D.S. is cute but average. Both are really wonderful to hang out with and make me smile. Davey is your regular nice guy who often finds himself left out in the cold as the bad boy types get the girls. I really go for average looking people who I feel a connection with. I don't go for model types in the least. I'm intimidated by people who are too "hot" as I feel like why would they want to be with me? I'm really average.

I suppose where I'm not average is in my level sexual of inhibitions (very few). Or my love of exhibitionism. Or my penchant for pain and power exchange with my sex. But trust me, if you walked into my library and asked me a reference question you'd get a very professional, somewhat detached response and never suspect what I get up to in my off time. I'm just your average girl, who gets up to not so average things.

Saturday

2008-05-21T17:44:00.003-05:00

So to wrap up my reverse-order weekend postings, let's chat about Saturday. On Saturday, D.S. came down for a visit, just for the day even as he wasn't going to cancel on me (again). It was so good to see him. He's a sweetie and a sexy bi boy. I'm so glad that MasterDoc did not quite rescind his permission for me to sleep with D.S. He nearly did after the last time D.S. canceled on me.

This time, D.S. promises that five months won't go by between us seeing each other. He's moving away to Boston (i.e., farther away by a few hours) but is convinced that it would be easier to reach me via public transit from there than it is from where he is now (2 trains and a bus). I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Davey headed out for the day (he had a date himself a couple of states over. Alas that did not go well but I won't go into details here) so we had the place to ourselves. After some talking and getting caught up I went to use the bathroom... and when I came out D.S. was totally naked. lol That boy doesn't beat around the bush. We headed off to the bedroom and were getting me naked and getting all hot and bothered when MasterDoc called me asking for Davey's cell phone number. *sigh* I said, "Um, I'm kinda in the middle of something right now. Do you really need it this second?" Yes he did. I got the number then went back to D.S. (Later MD text messaged me asking, "still busy fucking, slut?" lol Of course by that time we had fucked and were at the diner having lunch.)

I find myself having a hard time describing vanilla sex these days. Let's see... he has wonderful fingers and got me off using them. As usual when I realized I could come without getting permission I was overjoyed. lol We then fucked and it was intense. Not sure what else I can say about it. You had to be there. It was good.

After lunch we played a card game (Guillotine - anyone played it?) while digesting and then again I went off to the bathroom and came out to find him completely naked. We fucked orgasmic-ly again. I was a happy camper. Early evening he had to head home. Despite those two rounds of hot sex, I was eager to go out with MasterDoc that night, and you all already know what happened then.

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While looking at my site stats I found a link to this blog on futurecatlady.net. Apparently she remembers me from the old blog and was happy to find the new one. Coolness! It's been interesting seeing links to this blog pop up in various places. Jane's Guide gives me the greatest exposure. And participating in the Sugasm a few weeks back still yields results from blogs that post sugasm.

Hot Night at the Swing Club

2008-05-20T16:49:00.004-05:00

Saturday night, MasterDoc picked me up at my place late in the evening. We headed out to one of our swing club haunts, on this particular night because I knew a friend of mine would be doing tarot readings there. She and her wife were there and it was nice to see them in the first time in over a year. We hung out, checking out the scene, MasterDoc saying that he was going to feel grumpy if it was a quiet night at the club. He spotted a couple and said that he wanted to fuck the woman, and I thought she was pretty cute as well. The question of course was whether this was going to happen (and was she bi?).

I was eager to do something and we went over to the spanking bench. He had me pull my pants down and he gave me a bit of a spanking - I didn't realize at the time but he was clever enough to do it when the couple in question was around. We talked to them a little bit later and he asked them if what we did had been "interesting" or "scary." They both agreed it was interesting. The woman asked me, "Do you switch?" And I, ever slow on the uptake, said, "No, not really." Of course before long it became clear even to me that she was looking for me to spank her. Now I'm terrible at Dommeing but I can top a little bit when the need arises and it came in handy the other night. We went off into a private room at her request and I got her on her hands and knees on the mattress, panties pulled down and dress pulled up. MasterDoc had me get out the implements I was going to use to spank her and lay them out. I started with my hands and moved on to the crop. Her bottom was nice and rosy. I got her completely naked and someone (I forget who, was it her?) handed me nipple clamps so I put them on her. She had really good nipples to clamp, they stick out a fair amount, like pencil erasers.

I got naked too and we played with each other's nipples. I wet a finger and put it in between her labia to stroke her clit. As I dipped down into her pussy I found that she was quite wet. After the nipple clamps were off, she dove at my pussy, and started going down on me. Meanwhile, the guys were watching all this, stroking their hard cocks. She ate me out for a while and started fingering me as well. MasterDoc started licking my nipples as she went down on me. Eventually I came.

The problem with not blogging the day after something happens is that memory gets a little fuzzy. This is all a reconstruction of what I remember, and some bits are probably off. But then again only the people who were there would know what isn't quite accurate. I know at some point I sucked MasterDoc's cock. And at some point I fingered the woman to orgasm. Then MasterDoc decided to fuck me first (on my hands and knees) and the woman's husband (making an assumption here) fucked her right beside me. I came again as did she. Her hubby turned her over and fucked her on her back for quite a while. I lost count of how many orgasms she had. MasterDoc encouraged me to play with her, and to get my hand in to where their bodies met. I stroked her clit and the combination of fucking and fingering got her off again. Her husband fucked her long and slow. We played with her nipples as he fucked her. MasterDoc instructed me to get her flipped over and turned around when he was done, so that he could fuck her too. He managed to get her turned around himself and he fucked her. I watched, as I was ready for a break but of course got scolded for not doing something so I played with her nipples a bit and played with MasterDoc's ass a bit.

He fucked her for a while, then switched to his fingers. She came again really hard and at that point asked him to stop what he was doing. He thought that maybe his nails were too long or he was fingering her too hard. But she shyly whispered to me that she had squirted and she seemed quite embarrassed about it. We all got dressed after that. Phone numbers were exchanged and beverages consumed. They're visiting from Australia (but are originally from what was Yugoslavia) so no telling if we'll see them again before they leave but it's a possibility. We headed home after this.

The next day I spent some time with MasterDoc and we fooled around, me giving him a whole lotta head (til my neck hurt) and him fingering me, thankfully, to orgasm. It was intense but as I was erm, inebriated (in a manner of speaking) at the time I can't remember the finer details. It was hot. Suffice it to say it was hot. And I played with MasterDoc's ass until he came. Again, much hotness on Sunday, details are scarce. *grin*

Which leads me to my next entry, what I did Saturday morning and afternoon...... More to come.

Beating

2008-05-20T16:11:00.003-05:00

I haven't been blogging lately because I've been so busy out doing. But of course this means that I have lots of material to blog about. *grin* I usually do things in chronological order, but I think for the past three days worth of activity I'll begin with last night and work my way back through a series of two or three blog posts. Anyway, enjoy.

Unusual for a Monday, I went to MasterDoc's after work. I'm working very hard at keeping up my weight loss (7 lbs. as of Sunday) so I brought along my workout gear and tape to do at his house, but he had to promise not to watch! I doubt I find anything much more humiliating than exercising in front of people (the obvious exception to this is when I take my bike out). I'm out of shape, I'm flabby and it's just basically a pathetic sight to see. It's the type of humiliation I doubt I could handle. It's not hot humiliation. It's humilation plain and simple.

We had dinner after I showered and spent some time hanging out. He had me draw him a bath and I kept him company while he bathed. Then we found ourselves on the bed, wondering what we should get up to. Unfortunately, he had forgotten that I was coming over when he went to take his ritalin that morning, and he took it. And ritalin = difficulty getting and keeping it up. (He was also out of those little blue pills that come in so handy sometimes.) Obviously sex wasn't on the menu. He asked my vote and I said I wanted to do "other things" rather than just scrapping the sexual part of our evening. He thought through a few devious things to do to me (play piercing came up but he decided that it was too involved for last night) and soon had me blindfolded with nipple clamps on. He had me get up onto all fours and he spanked me, taking a moment to tug on the clamps or hit my sensitive nipples in between.

He hit me harder than usual last night, possibly the hardest he's hit me. I came really close to begging him to stop, but when the pain was really intense it was hard to form thoughts and words. I also would rather take as much as possible than to give up and beg. So I held off begging, even when he smacked me with the evil rubber strap. I did scream a few times, and call out, "Oh my god," when the pain was really bad. He went way past the amount of time he'd usually hit me (or did it just seem that way?). And even when I thought he was done he'd start back up again. It was really intense.

He got out the magic wand and gave it to me, telling me to use it on myself. He started hitting my ass again and told me, "I'm going to beat you until you come." Now, being beaten does get me wet, but when in the throes of pain it can be hard to reach the point of orgasm (for me). But I found myself getting into it, the idea of getting off while he hit me. Before long I was begging to come and I came fantastically hard and for a long while. He then told me to turn off the wand and to get myself off with my fingers. I had a hard time doing so in the position I was in - on my knees with my head and shoulders on the bed. He stuck a couple of fingers in my very wet cunt and fingered me, telling me that I had better come again fast. I came as fast as I could and again came hard and long. He had to tell me to be quiet as usual.

Afterwards, I felt like I actually needed aftercare which I seldom need very much of. I felt a little shell-shocked in a way, but never did I (or do I) feel abused, traumatized or anything like that. It was really intense emotionally, and while we cuddled and he soothed me after, I let out a few tears. Perhaps one of these days we'll actually succeed at making me cry during a beating. It was comforting to have him hold me after, and I curled up against his chest for a long while. I'm not sure if I can describe how I felt after. I had a sense of calm, but also felt pretty emotional... like my emotions were at the surface. I felt very vulnerable. I wanted to cry more than I did but only a few tears came out. Ultimately, I'm glad for the beating and enjoyed it (although I might have said something different during) and other than feeling a little worn out and sore afterwards I felt ok. I even did a few chores around the apartment after. Today, I have one nice bruise, ostensibly from the strap but little else to show for the beating. Whenever I thought about it today, my cunt felt all hot and tingly. *grin* I am a very perverted lady. Occasionally I do wonder if there's something wrong with me that I get so turned on by pain and submission, but most of the time I accept it as one form of human sexual expression that's no more or less normal than many other more "vanilla" expressions of sexuality.

Widget

2008-05-16T13:59:00.003-05:00

I've just gotten hooked on digsby and so I added a widget to the blog here if anyone wants to say hi when I'm on. (I just have a hard time figuring out when it shows me as on or not. lol) We'll see if it turns out to be fun to talk to random people on the blog or just a drag. I figure I can always delete it later.

Riding the Edge

2008-05-15T17:23:00.003-05:00

Taking wellbutrin has certainly helped my libido. Hooray! Last night Davey and I had sex. Today I used my one "at will" masturbation session when I got home from work. I went to pornhub and looked at some of the bondage-related videos (they're all so short though! The regular porn has longer videos). I thought this one was hot. Again, it seems terribly uncomfortable but nonetheless it's hot. (Except the part where he puts the butt plug in her mouth. Eww.) It's interesting that he has to do the movement because in that position there's no way she can move her head back and forth to take his cock in and out of her mouth. So he gets her in this helpless position and fucks her mouth.

I got wet watching videos and then took my bullet vibe to my clit. I left it on the low setting in an attempt to get myself to come with less stimulation. I usually use it on the high setting. I got myself worked up and to the point where I could come and I did my best to ride that point. I find it hard to do that without decreasing my point of arousal, but I'm working on that. When I wanted to come I whispered to myself, "Please Sir, may I come? Please Sir. Please Sir," over and over again. (That's pretty hot if I do say so myself.) I had a false start where I had decreased my arousal enough that I couldn't instantly come when I gave myself permission to. The next time I came hard enough that I was writhing around on the sofa and my pussy flooded with wetness. I could have stopped there (and honestly, I don't know if my permission covers just one orgasm or more than one during a single masturbatory session. I guess I'll find out when MasterDoc reads this.) but I switched the vibe into high speed and got myself to the edge again. This time I really rode it for a while, again whispering to myself for permission to come. It felt amazing! I was so unbelievably wet. And finally, I let myself come again and I came really hard, moaning out loud.

I felt so relaxed and hungry that I skipped doing yoga and made myself a sandwich. (Yes, Sir I will exercise tomorrow. I've done it twice this week - working out or taking my bike out. I'd like to take my bike out again tomorrow but I don't think the weather will cooperate. Time for some yoga then.) I'm a happy camper. And just think, I should get more sex tomorrow and Saturday. I'm horny enough that getting some won't dampen my enthusiasm for getting more. In fact, it will probably make me want more and more. Just call me insatiable Nadia.

The Beauty of Free Porn

2008-05-14T16:46:00.003-05:00

MasterDoc sent me this link the other day. Hawt! Though I think a blindfold would have been a better choice than sunglasses. I really like the whole hands cuffed behind the back thing. I'm sure it's terribly uncomfortable being fucked like that, but the helplessness of having your hands behind your back is really, really hot. I've yet to really check out pornhub but perhaps I should spend some time perusing it myself. Hey, free porn is a good thing. I also tend to look at pictures at xnxx.com; they've got so many categories I can't imagine someone not finding something they like. Alas, I'm not getting any kickbacks from these sites for mentioning them, but I like people to be able to find free porn. Isn't that what the internet is for? There was some other site I used to go to, but it went downhill and wouldn't you know I can't even think of the name of it anymore.

MasterDoc and I are going out to a swing club this coming weekend. A friend of mine, who I haven't seen in ages, will be there doing tarot readings (her wife will be there too). I'm excited to go out for the double purpose of fucking in public AND seeing two friends I haven't seen in a long time. Oh and D.S. is supposed to visit me this Friday before he moves away from the area. I'm sad to see him go, but it's not like we managed to see each other much anyway. He'll be driving distance away still (a few hours) so perhaps we'll get together from time to time still.

Neediness

2008-05-11T20:54:00.004-05:00

Lately I've had bouts of neediness and I HATE feeling that way. I want to be an independent, I -don't-need-no-one-else kinda gal. But I do need people. And sometimes I feel more needy than others. Last week MasterDoc talked about possibly canceling with me and immediately it set off this needy reaction. Of course once I discovered that he wasn't talking about canceling entirely and I had some time to get used to the idea of spending time alone (Davey was away) I felt just fine. But initially. Oof. I went from normal to whiny in about 6 seconds. I hate that.

I wonder if there's something about the D/s relationship that makes me needier in that instance. I don't get so needy with Davey, not even when we were seeing each other long distance. I'd miss him terribly, and sometimes cry when we said goodbye for another month or so, but I kept myself busy otherwise. I think at this point I'm used to spending time with either Davey or MasterDoc so that when I have blocks of time to myself I get a little panicky. Sad state of affairs. At this point in my life I don't really like spending time completely alone. I'm not much for groups of people, but hanging out with one or two people I'm close to is how I'm happiest. Somehow MasterDoc brings out the needy side of me, again I'm wondering if being someone's sub makes you feel like you need them more in a sense. Talking with MasterDoc the other day he suggested that maybe it's because he's a stabilizing force in my life. But the thing is Davey is also really stabilizing for me as well. They're very different but both provide some stability to my life.

At any rate, I'm determined to remain independent and not be a needy pain in the arse all the time. I should know better than to think I won't be okay if I'm alone. I've spent a lot of time alone and I've always come out of it just fine. Even when I'm alone for a day or two I still have Davey and MasterDoc in my life. I really don't know what my deal is. It's driving me crazy.

Random Hole Generation

2008-05-10T23:09:00.004-05:00

Last post, I said, "Anyway, he had me suck his cock (so many stories here start like that, don't they?)." Hanging out with MasterDoc on Friday he said something about wanting to post a comment about having me lick his ass instead for a change of pace. lol I thought at first he was joking, maybe he was, but since I thought he was joking guess what he had me start off doing on Friday? Licking his ass. I still don't enjoy it but I kinda block out what I'm doing mentally and just do it. (If I don't do a good job he'll only have me do it more often, and I don't want that.) If it wasn't for the fact that shit comes out that hole I don't think I'd mind so much. It has an interesting texture that little pucker. But even a squeaky clean ass has the faint aroma of shit when you're up close to it. Anyway, enough complaining before I give him any ideas. lol It does get him really turned on and that's nice. I do benefit from having him turned on.

As I try to remember the order of things on Friday, I think I may have sucked his cock before that point, meaning that yes, we started with me sucking his cock. But it was more fun to start the blog entry with the ass licking story. He had me suck his cock after I licked his ass too.

He let me choose which impact implement I wanted to use and I went with the wimpy patent leather slapper we don't use much. Hey, he let me choose! I wasn't going to go for the paddle or anything like that. He spanked me with it a bit, but while he could get it to sting, it wasn't as unbearable as some of his other implements of destruction. It hurt more when he got to slapping my inner thighs and breasts.

He couldn't decide which hole to fuck me in (ass or vagina?) so he went out to his roommate to get her input. She used a random number generator on her computer to decide and vagina won. MasterDoc later related to me a fantasy he'd had with having three women (three holes each) and having some sort of random number generator decide what order he'd take them in each hole. So he got a little "random hole generation" going on that day. Where I was fucked was left up to the fates.

He fucked me as I lay on my back and I closed my eyes and got into it. I tried riding the waves, slowly building to orgasm level. As I asked him for permission to come I did my best to hold myself on the edge so that when he gave me permission I would come right away. (I've now permission to masturbate (actually, orders to) once a week and really work on getting myself to the edge and riding the edge. I did this on Wednesday.) I did a pretty good job of it and started coming when he said the word. My auto-eject feature worked like a charm (I wish it didn't) and pushed his cock out soon after. He continued with this fingers, really getting my g-spot and I came so loudly (bad girl) and so hard. I was surprised I didn't squirt.

He played around with smacking my tits and thighs for a bit before he decided to fuck me again. He fucked me and again I rode the waves of pleasure until I was on the edge of coming. I asked for permission to come again and again came so hard I pushed his penis out. He got me coming again with his fingers and I couldn't believe what a lucky girl I was that day. To not only be allowed to come twice but to be made to come so hard. He lay down beside me and instructed me to continue playing with my cunt. I feverishly rubbed my clit as he spurred me on. He slapped my tits a bit and instructed me to make myself come. I came as he slapped my tits and amazingly, for the first time in months, I squirted. Whoo hoo! I'm so surprised I didn't squirt earlier when his strong fingers were doing a number on my g-spot, but somehow the squirting came when I was just playing with my clit. Go figure.

We opted to take a break. I needed water and a bathroom break. But after just a few minutes I could have gone for more. (Wellbutrin has certainly given me my libido back.) Rowr. I may just attack Davey when he gets home tonight.

Sex, and a 69

2008-05-05T20:25:00.002-05:00

Saturday night was a quiet night spent in having dinner with S. and MasterDoc at my place. MasterDoc's back was bothering him so we mostly just hung out. He had hoped to spark a threesome with me and S. - having S. suck his cock while I buggered him with the strap on. Yes, he's a Dom who will take it up the ass. It's something I really appreciate about him, he knows what feels good and he's not going to let the idea of something being "undomly" stop him from doing what he enjoys. I've yet to use the strap on on him, but I feel honored that he's considering letting me do it, because very few women have been permitted to do it. I wonder how it will feel to do so, however, as I've only done strap on stuff where I've felt really in control of the situation being the one doing the penetrating, but with MasterDoc no matter what he's the Dom and I'm the sub. I can't picture our relationship being the other way around for one second. I'm sure even if I'm the one wielding the (silicone) cock that our dynamic will remain the same somehow.

The next morning, he made sure to medicate his back well and after a while he was up for fooling around. Being at my place we had to be fairly quiet (no impact play) as sound really carries in my building (actually it's a house that's subdivided into apartments, thus no noise insulation as it was intended to be a one-family home). I don't exactly want my landlord wondering what "those noises" are. lol It's enough that I had a different man over while Davey was away. Anyway, he had me suck his cock (so many stories here start like that, don't they?). I got it nice and hard and then he had me straddle his face (going down on the sub, another supposedly "undomly" thing he is secure enough to do). We 69ed for a while and I got nice and wet. He had me straddle his cock and ride him. I put my all into it, and really got into feeling his cock inside me and my clit rub against his body. He gave me permission to come ad lib if I could do it in that position (as I've said before I have a harder time coming on top) and with the freedom of not having to ask before coming I let myself go and managed to come a couple of times.

We took a break, played a computer game, had lunch, then he turned to me and told me to get my bullet vibe and warm myself up. I sat on the sofa across from him and played with myself, really getting into it. That vibe gets me hot in no time flat. I could have come really quickly if I had been allowed to. We went back to bed and this time he fucked me on top, and I continued to play with my clit with the vibe. Again, he decided to let me come at will and I came so hard. I was trying to keep quiet lest the neighbors hear but it was really hard to do so. After my muscles pushed his cock out he continued with his fingers and I just about thought my head was going to blow off my shoulders from the intensity of orgasms I was having. Afterward, he said that he thinks I'll be squirting again soon. I seem to have my meds adjusted to the point where I can come more easily (and repeatedly) and hopefully a return to squirting is right around the corner.

I had to leave him earlier than I would have wanted to (work) but I just keep in mind that I'll see him this Friday.

Spanking

2008-05-03T16:19:00.002-05:00

I'm waiting for MasterDoc to get home from work. I got to spend last night with him, and since Davey's away for the weekend I get to see him again tonight. While amusing myself I discovered fetlife.com which is essentially myspace/facebook for kinksters. Of course I've started setting up a profile there. While reading through the fetishes listed, I was reminded of a fantasy that I hadn't thought about lately - play rape. Now play rape is a different animal than real rape. They're two separate things. I've been actually raped and it was nothing to fantasize about. But my fantasy, to be acted out with someone I trust and consented to, involves me putting up a struggle, perhaps getting clothes ripped off me and being taken forcibly while I object. For the length of that scene the word "no" would have no meaning. I'd be held down while being fucked.

Is it hot in here?

Anyway, that's what got me thinking about writing a blog entry. *grin* Last night I got a good spanking from MasterDoc. We were going to go out to a swing club but my period showed up. (Boo!!!) so we stayed in. He said that he feels a need to not let my readers down, so he would find something to do with me in the house. That something consisted of me laying on my stomach, blindfolded, while he smacked my ass. Soon he had me up on all fours and he started bringing out the implements. Being blindfolded, I couldn't see what he used until after the fact. The first object I guessed easily, it was one of those rough pedicure things that doesn't sting much when it hits but the rough texture makes it interesting.

More smacks with his hands (pretty hard, thankfully my pain tolerance was up) and he brought out the paddle. Again, something I could guess at pretty easily. The paddle hurts! Especially when it hits over an area that it has just been hitting. Yowch. He alternated with hands a bit and then I felt something that I couldn't identify. It stung like the dickens and I didn't think I'd be able to handle the pain. The one time I moved out of position and felt desperate for it all to stop was when he used this one implement on me a few times. Later it turned out to be the evil rubber strap he has. That thing is vicious. He used it on me at a few points. I've got a nice bruise on my side where it wrapped around. Surprisingly, I have very few bruises. I was hoping (I'm such a weirdo) for a nice bruised bottom this morning. But, there's next to nothing. *sigh*

He had me suck his cock for a while and get it nice and hard. I put a condom on it and sucked some more. The reservoir tip of the condom hit the back of my throat and made me gag really badly. I think he kinda likes the idea of me gagging on his cock though. He got me on all fours again and he fucked me from behind. Rowr. After the spanking I was worked up. He fucked me pretty hard for a while and I got close to coming. So I asked for permission and wanted so desperately to come. When he eventually gave me permission I kinda had this lame semi-orgasm. That happens to me a lot. I need to work on getting to the edge and holding it there (maybe I should masturbate more often). I'm on wellbutrin now to counteract the side effects of the prozac so I have a bit more libido lately. Maybe I'll make progress now. One can only hope. It would be so hot to hold off on orgasm until his permission if I would then be able to come explosively. But, orgasm trouble aside, I really enjoyed the spanking.

Friday

2008-04-27T12:51:00.005-05:00

I saw MasterDoc on Friday as usual. We spent the better part of the day doing mundane things - going out to IHOP for breakfast with his roomate, cleaning up the apartment, etc. I read for a while while he got some other things done. When he went out to do grocery shopping he asked me to put away some of his clean clothes. I was in a helpful mood and so I put them all away (just as easy to keep going once I started.) I also loaded up the dishwasher for another load without being asked. I was in a good mood. We got some cuddling in in between chores.

In the afternoon he put me on the sybian, sitting close in to hug me as I rode. It's funny how something that includes a machine can be so intimate, but when you're having the intense orgasms the sybian brings, and someone holds you, it's just really intimate. I clutched onto him as I moaned and writhed. I tried my best to keep quiet and actually managed pretty well considering how loud I usually am. He's trying to get me to come with less and less vibration from the sybian (I started off needing the high setting to get off).

We hung out some more, he used the heating pad on his back as it was bothering him again. He had me go down on him as he relaxed. I think I enjoy giving head even more now that I'm apparently improving. It's always nice to get a good reaction for your efforts. It's hot to make someone else feel good with your mouth.

That evening he had a woman come over to play who he had met once before. Roomate Liz made a delicious dinner for us all then left us alone after dinner. MasterDoc had me play with the little red vibrator on myself as part of the entertainment. Apparently our guest had really liked the magic wand when she tried it the week before, so MasterDoc had me go get it from the bedroom. He used it on me a little bit but unfortunately sometimes it irritates where I shave my pussy. We ended up going into the bedroom.

He gave our guest a ride on the sybian controlling the speed, and I went down on him at the same time. It wasn't quite as much fun watching this woman as the last one because she kept her face down on the edge of the bed so I couldn't watch her reactions. Supposedly she's curious about women, but there seemed to be zero chemistry between me and her and so nothing happened. (Of course it would have happened regardless if MasterDoc had ordered me to do it, but he didn't.) Next he put her down on the edge of the bed and fucked her for a bit. He had me get on the strap on and then have a go at her while he kissed and groped her.

They put me to bed after that (I had work in the morning) and they went off to the living room to play some more. In the morning, MasterDoc and I talked and I voiced my complaints about the evening - that I felt totally superfluous to the whole thing. He reminded me that sometimes he's going to have me around just because he wants me there to serve him, and that I shouldn't be so self-centered. It seems he thought I didn't like the fact that I wasn't the center of attention, but I later on pointed out to him that we had had a threesome with another young woman that I really enjoyed even though I wasn't the center of attention. I felt I had a part to play in that. I felt like the third wheel in Friday's situation.

I also pointed out that I hadn't gotten to be fucked by him this week and that I had really hoped to do that. (It's hard only seeing him once a week. If we don't fuck then I know it will be another week before I even get the chance.) Ever the kindhearted Dom, he decided to let me off the hook with doing kitchen cleanup that morning, and he fucked me. But of course he put my collar on first and spent the time admonishing me about how I'm supposed to behave as his sub. When you're in the throes of passion it's easier to say, "Yes, Sir," to everything that's put to you.

I guess it's as I've said before, there's hard parts to being sub. I don't get off on being there as simply an object or servant (some people do and boy I wish I was one of them). I suppose I'll have to find a way to deal with that situation next time it arises. I was good enough to not raise the issue that night, I waited until we had time in the morning to talk so I did continue being sub while I wore the collar that evening. I enjoyed going down on him during the threesome, and playing with the vibrator on myself, but the rest of it, well I need to find away to eroticize it or something. I wasn't attracted to the woman, so it was hard to derive enjoyment watching her, something I would have focused on ordinarily. While I'm an exhibitionist by majority, I do enjoy watching others get off. I'm sure I come off as such a whiny sub right now, but as I've said before, I don't have to like everything he has me do, I simply have to do it. In the moment, I did what was asked of me and I did it without complaint. (I'll never claim to be the perfect sub as I'm way too expressive about how I feel to ever be perfect at it. If someone else wants to play "subbier than thou" with me they can go right ahead. While I'm naturally inclined to be submissive, it's also sometimes a challenge to me.)

Nadia's Sex News

2008-04-24T16:42:00.002-05:00

I thought it might be interesting to have a round up of sex-related news from time to time. Today I read this article about how abstinence education doesn't work (duh) but the conservatives behind it still insist it's how sex ed should be handled. If abstinence-only education doesn't prevent teen pregnancy, delay start of intercourse, or lessen the rate of STIs in teens, then what the fuck is the point to sticking with it? Are the people who back this total morons? The goals they want met aren't being met by abstinence-only education. Isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome next time?

Good news for men - ejaculations help prevent prostate cancer. Not just masturbation as the original report says, but frequent ejaculations of any kind help prevent prostate cancer. All the more reason for me to have sex with many partners - I'd be helping a whole bunch of guys fend off cancer. *grin* And guys, feel free to jerk off with impunity!

Steer clear of the Congo if you're a guy. Penis thieves abound! Ok this story is just a bit silly but it fit in nicely to the theme of sex-related news. Thankfully in the US we don't seem to have any sorcerers shrinking guys' penises. I'm surprised there isn't an uprising among the women in the Congo. I mean, I'd be pretty peeved if someone shrunk my man's penis down to tiny size.

That's all for sex news for today. Next post should be more sex and kinkiness as usual.

Fucking at the Club

2008-04-20T13:27:00.006-05:00

Friday night was my usual night with MasterDoc. His back had been bothering him earlier in the day so it was up in the air whether we were going to go out or not. (He had canceled with a couple who were supposed to come over so the wife could ride the sybian.) I had been keen to go out since the next couple of weeks are going to be more difficult for making plans (he's working additional shifts). But of course I didn't want him to be in pain. However, some time on the heating pad and he wasn't feeling too bad, plus I offered to drive as driving really brings on the backache for him. We went out fairly late, taking my car for a change. (I drive stick and so few people know how to drive stick anymore, so my car doesn't get used often for trips out unless I'm driving.)

We went to one of the swing clubs we frequent, and I'm very happy to report that they did away with the miserable air mattresses and have some actual beds now (still not fantastic but better than a friggin air mattress). The club was moderately busy and MasterDoc knew I was feeling really horny that week and that I was keen to be fucked. I'm a bit picky though, and for the most part I wasn't too into the guys there. Now of course, had MasterDoc decided someone was going to fuck me, it wouldn't matter one bit if I wasn't interested in them, but sometimes he lets me give input. There was one man I thought was cute, but by the time I spoke up about this to MasterDoc he was nowhere to be found. *sigh* I need to speak up more quickly, although the thinking behind not speaking up quickly is that as the sub I don't have a say in who I get to fuck so I leave it up to MasterDoc. He's told me now, however, that I should consider it an order for me to speak up and tell him when I'm interested in someone.

We wandered around, seeing what's going on. At the snack table a man recognized MasterDoc from another swing club years before. They chatted for a bit about people they had known from there. When we went off into one of the rooms, the man followed to watch. MasterDoc laid down on the bed and had me suck his cock for a while. A crowd soon formed and someone commented to him, "Your wife is very beautiful." He asked me, "Are you my wife, slut?" And of course I responded with a clear, "No, Sir." It felt really odd to be referred to as a wife when I'm simply his submissive slut.

I sucked his cock for a while, and he complimented me on my skills - apparently I'm improving. He had me get naked and suck his cock some more. When he decided to fuck me, I turned around and saw that the room was full of people watching. Of course I love this and it was so hot to be fucked in a room full of voyeurs. I was so horny and it felt amazing to have his cock inside me. I was moaning up a storm as always and I came close to coming. Of course I asked for permission and he didn't give it right away. But when he did I had a lovely orgasm, screaming for all the crowd to hear. He spanked me for a bit, and my pain tolerance was up so it felt nice rather than painful.

Next, he had me reach into the pants of the man he was speaking to before and give him a hand job. He told me to make it my goal to make the man come. I used some lube and got him hard. I thought to myself that I really am a major slut, after all here was some guy who I wasn't at all attracted to, but on MasterDoc's orders I had no problem grabbing his cock and giving him a handjob. I even looked him in the eye a few times. Ultimately, I didn't get him to come, but MasterDoc decided to fuck me again. Again, he fucked me hard and it felt so amazing. Again, there was a crowd watching. He let a couple of men grope me while he fucked me. I just love the idea of some guy thinking about the experience of groping me as he jerks himself off later that night. I love the idea of being fodder for someone's masturbatory fantasies.

We spent some more time wandering the club, watching some action, talking to a few people. While a guy stood in front of me getting a blow job, MasterDoc told me to reach over and play with the guy's ass. And so I did, groping some complete stranger who never even looked around to see who was playing with his ass. lol There were two girls playing who were really putting on quite a show. While I think I'm more of an exhibitionist than voyeur, I do enjoy watching others as well.

We hung out for a while and didn't end up playing again. I was a little disappointed that I didn't get gang banged, but ultimately since I had been fucked I was a happy girl. We headed home, stopping for some yummy bagels as usual.

The next morning, we fucked some more, MasterDoc warning me to keep quiet. It takes a lot of effort for me to moan quietly and not cry out. I managed it, mostly breathing heavy rather than moaning. He fucked me from behind for a while, smacking my ass from time to time. He fucked me while on top as well. I asked for permission to come and wasn't given it.

We hung out for a bit then headed back to bed again. His back was bothering him so he lay on the heating pad again, but this time he decided that he wanted me to suck his cock while he relaxed. I threw myself into the blow job, doing my best to make him feel good. He got turned on enough to want to fuck me again, but as he was taking care of his back I had to get on top. I put the condom on him, trying to roll it down with my mouth after I got his sensitive head covered (only managed to roll it halfway with my mouth). I climbed on top of him and fucked him as best I could. It felt fantastic but I generally have a hard time coming while on top. It's a bit strange because in that position my clit got some stimulation, but still I didn't get close enough to ask permission to come. We fucked for a while, he pulled on my nipples as I rode, and he grabbed my head and pulled me down on top of his cock. It was hot and felt great. He smacked my ass with the crop and all went well until he accidentally smacked himself in the balls with the crop. Ouch. And that was the end of that.

We cuddled a bit and then I headed home. Unfortunately I won't get as much time with him this week, but I'm happy just to get some time to spend with him at all.

Bad Girl

2008-04-20T10:36:00.003-05:00

I've fallen a bit behind in my blogging this week. Earlier this week I was a bad girl. Davey's working long hours this week and suddenly with the spring weather I've been hornier. So what are my options? Either I force a tired Davey into having sex with me, or I ask MasterDoc for permission to masturbate. I found myself lying in bed on Tuesday night, horny as hell, and not feeling like getting up to call MasterDoc for permission (nor did I feel like getting up to try to seduce Davey, who was still up). I was so horny though and I gave into my desires and masturbated. I knew even as I did it that I would tell MasterDoc about what I had done, I wouldn't compound the illicit behavior with lying or keeping a secret. While I was doing it, I noticed that everything felt extra intense because I was doing something I wasn't supposed to do. Because it was forbidden I was extra excited. I had an intense series of orgasms, one right after the other, and then fell asleep.

The next day, I kept thinking about what I had done and how I was going to tell MasterDoc. I didn't immediately regret my bad behavior but when I talked to him that evening and told him what I had done, the disappointment in his voice made me feel horribly guilty. To top it off, I was still feeling really horny and I wanted to masturbate again. Oh dear. I sent a text message to MasterDoc saying, "Should I even ask if I can have permission to masturbate tonight? I'm very sorry I didn't ask last night." I was relieved when he replied along the lines of, "I love you even when you're bad. Call me right before you want to masturbate." This still didn't guarantee permission, but at least he wasn't mad at me. He was heading out to a swing club with S. that night and he texted again, "It would be really hot to get that call while I'm out at the club." I made a mental note to hold off calling until he was likely to be at the club.

When I called later, he said, "What you want to masturbate again? After you already did that last night? Are you lying in bed right now?" I said that I wasn't, but that if he gave me permission I would immediately run off and do it. And something wonderful happened, he gave me permission. And I think that ultimately this was the best reaction to my behavior - that being punitive would have just made me feel more rebellious. But knowing that he cares about me even when I've stepped out of line made me feel all the more crazy about him. He had asked me earlier if I was testing him, and I don't think it was conscious but perhaps unconsciously I was testing limits and seeing how he'd react.

And so I went off, this time getting out my bullet vibe, and came hard again for the second night in a row. If the neighbors walked by our door around that time they'd have thought Davey and I were having sex from all the moaning I was doing. *grin* I really got into it. The weekend was promising to be interesting what with how horny I was feeling. MasterDoc and I had plans to go out on Friday, and Davey would be home and better rested on the weekend.

Low Pain Tolerance

2008-04-13T10:58:00.004-05:00

I see submission as a journey... There's always new things you discover about yourself. I've come to realize that I have a hard time consistently addressing MasterDoc as "Sir." While it's awkward to end everything you say with "Sir" I don't think that awkwardness is the main reason. He's often very lenient with protocol, but when he does decide I should stick to protocol I have a hard time doing it. I think part of it is that it's kinda humiliating to have to address someone with respect every single time. It definitely puts you at a lower place than them. Every time I have to say "Sir" I'm reminded that I'm the submissive. (You'd think I'd jump on something that makes me feel like that, but it's not always easy being sub to someone.) Sometimes it's hard to get the word to come out. I think it also runs contrary to the way I was raised (not saying it's not good to be respectful, after all my mother could have been loads more respectful of my father, it's just not the example I was raised with).

So on Friday MasterDoc decided that I was to stick to protocol and I had a hard time of it. I think I ended up saying "Sorry, Sir" more often than anything else because I kept forgetting. By the end of the evening I was doing better, but it took a while and many reminders for me to get there. I'm definitely not a perfect sub, but then who is perfect? I have something to work on. Like I said, it's a journey and every thing is a step along the path.

In the afternoon he decided to spank, flog and hot wax me. Unfortunately my pain tolerance was way down and every little thing hurt like crazy. He said he wasn't even hitting me that hard but every strike hurt. I was moaning and whining a lot and thought I might start to cry. The idea of begging him to stop ran through my mind but ultimately I was able to stand what he dished out. It was definitely a challenge though. The wax stung and he commented that he could have used the really low melt candle my friend had at that party a few weeks before. I know that would have seemed hotter on Friday than it had that night at the party. Every little thing hurt. Sometimes my body is just so sensitive. After my butt was really sore and tender he had me roll over and he put my new nipple clamps (tweezer clamps) on my nipples. Again, I was really sensitive and as he pulled on the chain connecting them it hurt. He had me kneel again, and flogged me some more while the clamps were on. He had me sit up and he took the slapper to my nipples while the clamps were still on. Eventually, he had me lay on my back and he used the hitachi magic wand on me. It felt so good after all the pain and I moaned out a request to come. He got me right to the edge... and didn't let me come. He said maybe later he'd let me.

We made dinner, my thighs stinging from some harsh slaps earlier. He had put my smartballs inside me at one point but unfortunately I didn't feel them jiggle during spanking like I have before. He had me keep them in and I had them in all through making dinner and eating dinner. After dinner, I was allowed to take them out and we cuddled and relaxed for a bit.

MasterDoc was debating what to do with me next. He asked me if I wanted to be fucked or if I wanted to come. Of course that was an impossible question as I wanted both. I mean, it was really hard to choose one, I would have enjoyed each for various reasons. He made me choose, however, and I said I'd rather come. Of course, making this choice didn't guarantee either. He had me suck his cock for a while and ultimately decided to fuck me. (Would I be allowed to come too?)

As he reached in the bag of condoms he found a female condom and decided we could use that. After all, he was out of water-based lube, and the female condom is made of polyurethane which can be used with oil based lubricants such as baby oil, which we used. I'm so used to using latex that I've very rarely ever used baby oil as a lubricant. (Safer sex lesson of the day: you can't use oil-based lubricants with latex - it creates small holes in the latex. I used to think this is common knowledge until the time I was playing with my couple and they used baby oil on me and then thought the guy could have sex with me using a condom. Right. I set them straight.) The oil is more viscous than water-based lube. It felt nice. I wasn't too keen on the female condom as the one time I had used one before I didn't feel much of anything. This time, even though sensation was less than with a male condom, I still managed to enjoy it.

He fucked me on top and his hands caught on my hair as he positioned them on the bed, so I couldn't move my head from side to side. I got really turned on. I could feel the outer ring of the condom rub up against my labia and clit. He fucked me like that for a little while, then we changed positions so that I was kneeling on the edge of the bed. Again, the outer ring rubbed against my clit and added to the sensations I was feeling. I wanted to come so badly. We stopped for a bit and when we resumed he was on top again. Now, I know he let me come at one point but as I write this I can't remember if it was when he was on top or behind. So I was a lucky girl and I got fucked and I was allowed to come.

I slept well that night, and got up early for work the next morning.

Feminism and Submission

2008-04-08T18:04:00.007-05:00

Feminism and submission. I've talked about these two things before and I'm sure combined it's a topic I'll visit time and time again. I struggle with it, but not in the way that I find the two mutually exclusive. I don't and I am comfortable with the fact that I'm a submissive feminist. However, I do wonder about how to explain this to the world. While I feel comfortable with both aspects of my personality, I don't know how to explain why I'm comfortable.

As a feminist, I believe that women are equal to men. I believe that women should have the right to embrace their sexuality in whatever form it comes. But what happens when your sexuality isn't politically correct? How can I say that women are equal to men when I choose to submit to a man? I think the answer lies in the fact that I've made choices. I've freely made decisions that work for me. I get totally hot submitting. I'm wired in such a way that kink turns me on. Ultimately, I don't feel that my submission is about gender inequality - particularly since as a bisexual woman I'd gladly submit to a woman instead of a man if that's who I ended up being with. I don't feel that men are superior to me. I don't submit due to any notion of their being superior. I submit because it gets me off. I submit because I feel comfortable and free being a submissive.

And as a feminist, isn't it important that I stay true to my sexual expression? Being a Domme doesn't turn me on. Being equal doesn't turn me on (not like being submissive does). Being told what to do gets me hot. Giving up control is a choice I make. I have the luxury of making this a choice in my life because I live in a country where women are essentially free. (Oh sexism still runs rampant and affects women very deeply. I can see that clearly. I've seen it in my own life in various forms.) I continue to be a feminist and fight for the right of women to choose not to be submissive because the choice should be there, but why can't I choose to be submissive? This post was inspired by a call for submissions for the Feminist Carnival of Sexual Freedom and Autonomy over at Labyrinth Walk. There, Meghan Rose asks, "Do we have a responsibility to all women through our sexual choices, or only to ourselves?" and therein lies my quandary. As a feminist, do I have responsibility to always exercise autonomy over my sexuality? It sounds contradictory, but in my submission I AM exercising my autonomy. Consensual power exchange makes me happy. I see the strength in submission. Subjugating your wants to serve people you care about is ultimately a part of life for most people, regardless of their sexual orientation. To be a parent you have to submit to the needs of your children. There's strength in forgetting your wants and serving others - being selfish is far easier. I am a strong, intelligent, independent woman and choosing to submit requires the use of my strength and intelligence. I'm exercising my independence by choosing to submit in certain areas of my life.

Do I worry that being sub would be a bad example for young women? Considering the fact that I don't exhibit signs of being a sub in public other than at play parties I don't see that to be an issue. I'm not a 24/7 submissive, but some of the traits I exhibit while being submissive - being caring, thoughtful, of service and somewhat selfless (I say somewhat because being submissive is ultimately a selfish act for me as I get off on it.) are all traits I'd like to see instilled in any young person - male or female. Being a sub doesn't mean you're a doormat. Being Dom doesn't mean being a selfish prick. A Dom and sub can be examples of how to be a decent person even within their roles. A good Dom/me takes care of their submissive and watches out for their well being, providing support and advice when needed. A good sub watches out for their Dom in subtle ways, making sure to do things just as the Dom likes and anticipating their needs. As in any relationship, both play their part to make the relationship mutually satisfying to both involved. Even within the equal relationship I have with Davey, I submit in little ways because I care about him. I make sure to do my half of the chores. I compromise to strengthen the relationship and make him happy (thereby making me happy in the process). We all make sacrifices for the people we care about, be they in a romantic/sexual relationship or a family/friendship one.

Being a sub doesn't mean I'm a lesser human being. It just means I get off on pretending I'm lesser and giving over control to another person. I can still be a feminist and get horny being a sub.

Sugasm #126

2008-04-08T07:21:00.004-05:00

This week I'm participating in Sugasm. (You can see a link to my Why I Enjoy Public Sex post below.) I really enjoyed "Need- Part II."

Vanessa courtesy of Badgirl’s Hotbox.

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #127? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks

Up Your Bum

“Now, every mainstream porn film seems to include anal sex as part of the sequence”

A Moment Captured

“Right now I am looking out down at the street from my window and my fingers have found their way to my soft wet labia.”

Things Every Man Should Own/Know/Hear

“You can also give the controller to her, or use it yourself, and play with the power of the vibrations.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself (one from the vaults)

The New York Times’ Best Porn Articles

Editor’s Choice

Feminist Carnival of Sexual Freedom and Autonomy #1

More Sugasm

Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above within a week. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

BDSM & Fetish

Coming Over

Counting the days

How Much Pain Can You Take?

Kinkfest 2008 Report

Need - Part II.

Piss off

Pride Cometh

The Punishment List - F/m Spanking Video

Spanking and wanking

Subordinate, me

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships

Fear of Rejection

Let’s talk about being bi

Sally Kern Does NOT Speak For Me (Redux)

When it all went horribly wrong…

Why I Enjoy Public Sex

Why Marriage?

NSFW Pics, Videos & Audio

Blonde MILF is pounded hard in Gangbang

Grenian | Cikita

Pornsaint Nico Elise

Sexy Brunette Domino

Vanessa - Flower Power

Sex News, Reviews & Interviews

April Is Orgasm Month!

Catalina loves The Bondage Awards

Chanta Rose Dominates Mz. Berlin And Sabrina Fox On Chanta’s Bitches

eXcessica! (Calling All Writers…)

Fetish Model Wenona In Predicament and Suffocation Bondage on Water Bondage

Kicking Consent at Podophila

Some Positive News for Camgirls

Spray-On Condom in a Can

Weighting for a Great CBT Toy

Sex Work

The Dirty Nasty Truth

One Week Later…

The Porn Dilemma - Sometimes Forums Make Me Mad

Erotic Writing and Experiences

Captivating the college girl part two

Crush

Filling her up with my fingers

Garden Variety

Mine

My New York Indiscretion: The Conclusion

Twisted Tongue Dreams and Tongue Twister Scenes

Hot Weekend

2008-04-06T19:29:00.008-05:00

I had a busy weekend, spending pretty much all my time with MasterDoc. (Davey had a date on Saturday.) On Friday, I spent time with both of them, however and we had another threesome. Yet again double penetration did not come together. This time it wasn't our goal but in the heat of the moment decided to give it a go. It's been so hard to get the right angle so that they both can be inside of me at the same time. I got on top of MasterDoc and Davey tried to get in my ass. I tried getting on top of Davey with his cock in my ass, still no luck. Still, I was well-used that night. They both took me anally and vaginally. I got well fucked and came. I was a very happy slut. I had two cocks to put in my mouth, two cocks to put in all holes really. I just wish I could have had two cocks inside me at once. We'll try another time in another configuration.

My sluttiness continued through the weekend, although not in a fucking sense. I had my period so a swing club was out. (Lately the instead cups leak a fair amount. My flow has gotten heavier. *sigh* It's really annoying, not to mention messy.) After spending a quiet day together MasterDoc took me out to the local bdsm club. I've been there before but not for ages, and not with someone who's my Dom before. We generally give it a pass as we both like our bdsm with sex involved, and you can't have penetration at this club. (What fun is that?) But as my pussy was semi out of commission, a sexless beating sounded like fun. I got a few quick spanks - one over his knee and one bent over a table in the lounge area. MasterDoc always likes to have an audience. (Yeah, like I don't. *grin*) Unfortunately when we got around to stringing me up with my arms suspended there wasn't much of a crowd left. Still, it was intoxicating to have him beat me in public, my pants pulled down and my tits bare. He put clothes pins on each nipple for a bit and it really pinched. Still, I felt all hot and tingly down below despite - or perhaps because of - the pain. Yes, I think it was because of the pain. He flogged my butt and back. He stood in front of me at one point and used a vibrator on my clit. Then he proceeded to spank me hard on my ass while telling me to focus on the vibe tickling my clit. It was really hard to focus on the good feelings when the spankings were quite hard. I cried out but I never once begged him to stop. (I'm to beg if it's too much for me to take.)

We took a break after, and someone who knew him from his past visits to bdsm clubs came over and spoke to him. This guy is a foot fetishist and MasterDoc let him give me a foot rub. It wasn't your ordinary foot rub, however, he put my feet on his face, rubbing up against them. He had me push back against his face with my feet as hard as I could. He led one foot down to his cock and had me stroke it with my foot while the other foot was on his face. He certainly seemed to be enjoying it. And for the most part it felt nice, even if not stimulating for me personally. It tickled like crazy when he put my toes into his mouth - one whole foot at a time. He played with my feet for several minutes before MasterDoc decided that was enough. He took the time to put my socks and shoes back on, kissing my feet before covering them up. This is my second experience with a foot fetishist, although the first one was sorta uptight so he merely massaged and smelled my feet. It feels nice to have someone lavish attention on your feet, but I tend to think feet are kinda icky myself so I don't fully understand the attraction. But we're all wired differently, and there are plenty of people who can't understand my attraction to being spanked and beaten. Vive le difference!

Next body part to be worshipped - my ass. We encountered a man in a back room of the club and he offered to worship my ass. So now not only have I won a best ass contest, but I've had my ass worshipped. He got on his knees behind me and pressed his face against my ass. I could feel him breathing hot and heavily through the fabric of my pants. He pulled the waistband of my pants down slightly so he could stick his tongue in my crack. Again, MasterDoc decided when it was enough and the man thanked both of us for the experience. It was kinda surreal. I'm glad there's a place where all of us sexual deviants can find people to let us indulge our kinky fantasies. I'm glad I've met someone whose fantasies often line up with mine.

We got home late and went to bed. The next afternoon MasterDoc woke me with breakfast in hand. (Bagels, yummy.) He decided that he'd like to leave bruises on me and so I was to be beaten some more. I haven't bruised much in ages, I seem to be getting a tougher skin, much to my disappointment. I think there's a little bit of bruising now but I'll have to check in the mirror. My butt is still feeling sensitive after the beating. Before the beating, he had me fuck him with me on top for a while. Then he took me over his knee and spanked me quite hard. I cried out in pain and buried my face into the mattress to muffle the noise. Just when I'd think that I might have to beg for mercy, he'd take a break and I'd feel like I could handle it again. The slaps stung and he went at my ass for a few rounds. Interestingly, as usual I got really wet from the spanking.

He had me stand over the edge of the bed next, bent over. He used his hands, the crop, the new slapper I bought, including the other end which is a mini-whip. The whip part stings like crazy. When he said that he was going to take me I was excited as a good fucking would only add to how hot I was feeling. He fucked me and spanked me a bit while doing so. I was in heaven. He let me lay down and rest for a little while after that, my butt smarting. I heard him go into the bathroom and I felt relief when he took a pee - that meant he wasn't going to pee on me today.

We both showered and then we fucked some more. This time my butt was on a pillow on the edge of the bed and he fucked me standing up. His cock felt so good that I begged to be allowed to come. After a brief moment, he allowed me and I came, screaming out. I'm surprised my muscles didn't push him out as the orgasm felt really intense. I found myself grasping at the blanket on the bed while in the throes of orgasm.

Thanks to my period, there was some cleaning up to do and so we cleaned up. We spent some time cuddling and whatnot until he decided that I was going to help him come. He put some porn on his laptop and got comfortable. I played with his ass while he stroked his cock. He gave me direction so that I'd do a better job of it. He decided that he wanted to fuck me again and he put me on top of him. I love how he'd grab my hair and head and push me down onto his cock. I was moaning like crazy, telling him how good his cock felt. After a while he decided that he'd had enough, and we resumed our previous activity. I played with his ass until he came.

By this time it was dinner time and so I went home. Davey and I had dinner out, but after dinner I decided to go for more fucking. Davey and I fucked some more, this time dispensing with the damn instead cup as it wasn't sitting in the right place. He grabbed my hair in a most pleasing way and fucked me hard. So ultimately, I spent the better part of the day fucking. All in all a most pleasant (and pleasurable) day.
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A very special thanks to Kaya from Under His Hand for giving me a reciprocal link. A lot of people have come by since then to check my blog out.

Why I Enjoy Public Sex

2008-04-02T20:08:00.007-05:00

Generally, the more I blog the more I think of things to blog about. Today at work I had a random thought that I should blog about why I like public sex. But of course, before doing that I have to think about why I like public sex. I don't think I've ever really thought about it, not in depth.

I'll start off thinking about how I feel when I have public sex. Again, not something I've thought much about other than "it feels good." But somehow, when there's an appreciative audience, everything is a bit more intense. I don't know why it should be that way, but I get off harder knowing that people are watching me and feeling turned on. Perhaps it's a channeling of the energy that's around. Their arousal fuels mine. Knowing that I'm making dicks hard is also a real self-esteem booster. I may be an average-looking chubby chick, but seeing my naked tits and wet cunt gets many men hard and horny. It's arousing being arousing.

There's also a thrill to be had in doing the taboo -you're not supposed to have sex in front of others. I'm a bad girl for letting people see me naked and fucking. I find it actually quite liberating to break that taboo. There's something freeing in being naked and not worrying about your body, but instead taking pleasure in it. For those moments I'm free from society's fat-hatred because I'm not thinking about how I need to lose weight, but I'm thinking about how tingly my clit feels and how hot and horny I feel. I'm thinking about how hot the person fucking me finds me. And how some of the others around him wish they could be him. I think about how good my wet cunt feels - both to me and to the person I'm fucking. I think in having an audience I'm somehow more present in the moment and present in my body. I'm more aware of the sexual energy being generated. At that point in time I am hot because I feel so damn hot.

And knowing how hot it is to watch another woman come, I'm sure it doesn't hurt that I know I give a noisy show when I come. There's something terribly arousing about seeing someone orgasm. And it's arousing being the person who others are seeing orgasm. It just adds to the hotness of the moment.

So why do I like public sex? It's just generally hotter for me than private sex. The element of an audience adds something. Private sex is plenty hot in itself, but I love me an audience.

Foursome

2008-03-30T11:03:00.004-05:00

After a quiet couple of weeks, it was nice to get up to naughtiness with MasterDoc. On Friday we had a couple come over - the guy having been the one I fucked at this party. He's stayed in touch off and on, clearly interested in fucking me again. MasterDoc was holding out his permission until this guy could provide some new pussy for him. (I know that sounds awful, that I was used for bartering for new pussy, but I look at it as he won't give me away for free, that I have value to him. I doubt if I had no desire to fuck this guy again that MasterDoc would have used me in that way. But the guy had been an excellent fuck and I was interested. Besides, part of the hotness of D/s is feeling like you're property at least some of the time.)

So the guy came over with a woman friend, someone who looked familiar so I think we'd seen each other at some party or another at some point. Turns out she's sub as well, so we were two submissive women with two Dominant guys. Interesting dynamic. There was definitely a Dom/sub energy to the foursome, it wasn't a vanilla foursome. In some respects though, I'm not entirely comfortable with this other guy getting all Domly with me. I don't know him really, and I'm not as comfortable with him getting rough with me as I am with MasterDoc. Of course, having MasterDoc there was helpful, because he would keep me safe, but I don't think I managed to convey to MasterDoc the fact that I was feeling a bit uncomfortable with this guy. For sex, I'm hot for this guy, for power exchange, I'm not at a point where I'm comfortable yet. Besides, I have a Dom and I like that my submission is given specifically to him, not to anyone who demands it.

At any rate, despite a little uncomfortableness, I did have a really good time. This guy is great at getting me off with his fingers and he soon had me begging MasterDoc for permission to come. I came really hard as he fingered me deeply and got at my g-spot. (I think he was trying to make me squirt like I had the previous time with him, but I don't think I ended up squirting all evening. It's been a while since I squirted.) Attention shifted back and forth from me to the other woman and they had me join in and go down on her for a while. A lot was going on at once, with me going down on the other guy and MasterDoc dripping hot wax on the other woman's body. At one point, they took turns fucking her up the ass, with MasterDoc fucking her ass without ever having fucked her pussy. I liked that she was a dirty slut like I am. *grin*

The other guy fucked me for a bit, and he pounded me hard and fast. It seemed like half the night was spent with me begging to be allowed to come. MasterDoc was generous and I had lots of lovely orgasms over the course of the evening. I mean, I actually got fairly worn out. And we all know how difficult that can be to achieve.

The other woman had never ridden the sybian before, so she was given a ride. I'm not sure I've ever watched another woman ride it in person before, it's really fun to watch! It's very hot to see her get absorbed into the feelings coursing through her body. She was told that she had to ask for permission to come and so she asked, but the three of us held off on giving it. (Hey, earlier when asked her opinion of letting me come, she hesitated to say yes. It was payback time.) Finally she was allowed to come, with all three of us watching her get off. It's really hot to watch someone else get off.

We took a break to have some dinner and afterwards I got put on the sybian. I had expressed how I'd love to have control of the dials for once, and MasterDoc let me take control of them. Of course, I still had to get permission to come, but I could jack the power up when given permission so that I had a full body orgasm. As intense as the other orgasms I had that night were, none were as intense as the one I had on the sybian. Of course, a sybian can't cuddle you after, so no machine is ever going to make men obsolete. (You also don't get thrusting with the sybian. Nor domination. Nor intelligent conversation. Gentlemen, I really don't think you have to worry about a machine.)

I had been well fucked by the time I got to bed that night. I tucked myself in before our guests had even gone since I had work the next day. The guy came in to tell me that it had been good to see me and to give me a kiss. I was a well-orgasmed happy camper. The only thing I would have liked that didn't happen is that MasterDoc and I didn't fuck at all this week. Oh well, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Why I Submit

2008-03-27T17:21:00.003-05:00

With me complaining about the things I don't like to do, you may be asking yourself, "Why does she do this submissive thing then?" So perhaps it's time to talk about the moments that give me a rush, that make me realize that I'm doing something that I want to do.

Such as when I manage to think ahead, and anticipate MasterDoc's needs and he's pleased with that (I put a towel out for his bath last week before he even thought to ask for one), I feel good. I really enjoy making him happy.

When I can turn something I don't like into something more tolerable because I think that he would be proud of me, or that in a way I'm doing it for him. An example of this is exercise. I HATE exercise. I'm out of shape and exercise is hard. But since we're on this diet together I'm making a concerted effort to exercise regularly. Part of my issue with exercise is that I'm embarrassed to have others see me exercise because I feel self-conscious about being out of shape. I even feel self-conscious around Davey. (Odd I know because I don't feel self-conscious about, say, farting around him.) So when I was exercising the other day and Davey came home, and I felt the humiliation of exercising in front of someone, I tried to turn it into the sort of humiliation that's a turn on. Sometimes when MasterDoc makes me do something that's difficult or embarrassing I get a rush because it really takes all my strength to submit to what he's asked of me. Or sometimes when he scolds me I feel young and vulnerable and some how it feels good. And so I did my best to feel that odd little bit of joy come out of the humiliation of exercising in front of someone. When I do exercise I can't wait to tell him I've done it so he can be proud of me. And if I slack off I feel bad that I've let him down.

Which brings me to the point that part of why I do all I do (for him specifically) is that he has never, not once, asked me to do something harmful. In fact, the things he has me do are frequently beneficial (diet, exercise, being more self-disciplined about housework - or on the other end of beneficial they feel good sexually and get me off). He watches out for me, wants to know about my state of mental health and does all he can to take care of me. Now, granted, I'm a capable adult woman so there's plenty I can and do do for myself, but it's nice to have someone specifically try to watch out for you and help you through your problems (which, granted, can be part of vanilla relationships too.)

And of course, there's the big reason I let him tell me what to do - it frequently gets me wet. And hot. Giving control over to him turns me on. Having him tell me what to do in bed and how to do it is hot. Having him spank me and torment me is delicious. Having him fuck me and use my body and control my arousal and release of pleasure is hot. When he puts me on the horsey (sybian) and gets me to the edge and controls me sexually I get so freakin turned on I can't even describe it. And when he gives me permission to come and I orgasm earth-shatteringly hard until I'm screaming and gasping for air and I can't focus on anything but the feelings racing through my body - that's just wonderful.

And those are the reasons why I submit.

Submissive Lie Redux

2008-03-25T19:54:00.003-05:00

MasterDoc posted part of my last post on the conversation boards on collarme. He selected just part of it in order to stir up conversation, and he's been quite successful. lol I didn't think about how controversial what I said about "the submissive lie" would be. After all, this blog is just a place for me to air my opinions and is read by very few people. Although the way I presented it was as if I was speaking for all subs, the fact remains that clearly the opinions posted on here are simply mine. I can't speak for all subs any more than I can speak for all women, or all librarians. (Some librarians derive pleasure from helping each and every person who comes their way with a reference question, some of us get annoyed with the occasional idiots who come up to the ref desk.)

I found some of the subs who decried "but I do get turned on by everything master makes me do!" to be implying that one can't be a "twue" "weal" sub without it. I disagree. It's great that that works in that way for them and I believe that for some people that's honestly how they experience submission. I do derive some pleasure from helping MasterDoc, but ultimately I'm a submissive because I submit, not because I always like what I'm submitting to. When I have the collar on I don't whine or complain, I just do what I'm told. Submission isn't always easy. It's not always about getting off (if only it was!). Just because I don't enjoy some parts of submission (keep in mind I LOVE many parts of submission) doesn't make me any less of a sub than someone who gets pleasure out of every second of it. In fact, I think it's a greater accomplishment to submit when you're not directly deriving pleasure from it, but you do it because you've agreed to give power over to the other person in your relationship.

And that's just my 2 cents for the day. Other subs' mileage may vary.

The Part of Submission that Sucks

2008-03-23T21:09:00.004-05:00

Not much to report this weekend. I spent much of the time at MasterDoc's, supposedly helping him out as his back was bothering him but I got too intoxicated on something yesterday to be of much help. (Oops. Didn't realize I was getting there til it was way too late. Spent a few hours being pretty much useless and loopy.) Today I helped him out with housework before I left so I did end up being of some assistance.

Which brings me to what I've been thinking of as the "submissive lie." The submissive lie is that subs get off on doing whatever their Dom/me tells them to, just because he/she tells them to do it. The idea that I'd be overjoyed to pick up MasterDoc's dirty laundry because I'm sub. Now in some respects I do enjoy helping him, and I was glad to help him out when he's not feeling well. But do I like doing housework? Never. Do I get horny from being told to take out his trash? No. It's a big fat lie that submissives just LOVE doing whatever you tell them to. (Particularly bedroom submissives like myself.)

Of course, the point is that I don't have to love these things, I just have to do them. But I do find this to be the hardest part of being sub. I'm a woman of the 21st century (and a staunch feminist), I'm used to equality in my relationships but a Dom/sub relationship is NOT equal. So I have to find a way to reconcile the parts of power inequity that I love (being used sexually however he would like or to get naked and be spanked) versus the parts of power inequity I hate (being told to go put away the dishes from the dishwasher while he relaxes on the couch). Or the parts of power inequity I don't love but don't mind, like getting him a drink of water when he wants it.

While it's work to play with his ass while he jerks off, I enjoy getting him hot and bothered. It's sexy and so even though I'm not being fondled at the same time, it's still hot. Unfortunately something like gathering laundry doesn't have any immediate rewards. I hate doing it for myself, why would I love doing it for someone else? (Although he did spank me and let me get myself off with the hitachi magic wand in front of him this afternoon amidst the housework. THAT was fun. And he did allow me to get intoxicated the day before, although neither of us had any idea I'd end up as loopy as I did.)

I shouldn't complain through this entire entry, as I did have a good time most of the time and I love spending time with him. I'm happy when I'm around him. I just have a hard time with this one part of submission. I'm not sure it will ever get any easier.

Face Slapping

2008-03-21T17:14:00.003-05:00

I've heard through the grapevine that my friend was a bit disturbed when MasterDoc slapped my face at that party last week. I don't know if she said anything, or if S. was just relating the look on her face. It's funny, I'm so used to him slapping me now as part of our sex life that I don't realize how it can startle people. Although startling a jaded crowd is kinda why he did it last week. I remember the first time he did it though, it was the first time he dommed me in front of an audience. I felt like I had been a bad girl and I didn't understand why he was slapping me. He did it just once that day, and he gently stroked my face and said, "Just once." as I gave him a hurt look afterward.

The funny thing is, soon, I was loving it when he'd slap me. I think with anyone in the past I would have been worried they'd leave marks on my face, but I trust that MasterDoc can hit me hard enough to sting, but not so hard that I'm marked. When we're in the middle of fucking it can be so hot to have him slap me on the face a few times. It's something I didn't know I was into until I met him. It's abrupt, harsh and so carefully controlled. He would never strike me in uncontrolled anger, and perhaps it's being able to trust that that lets me give in and let him slap me whenever he wants without feeling the slightest bit unsafe. He's always perfectly in control when he does it. And I like that. I definitely like my sex rough.

Best Butt

2008-03-16T14:59:00.005-05:00

So the depression is getting much better. Still feeling a little moody but keeping it together for the most part. Yesterday I was feeling a bit moody over missing out on my usual Friday with MasterDoc, but one of his other ladies had had surgery so of course she needed his attention more than I did. (She's doing well and going home from his place today.) But I lucked out and while she recovered at his place, he and I went out last night.

The evening started out with me feeling a little moody and MasterDoc feeling frustrated as he had had a frustrating day. But the wonderful thing is, after spending a little time together, both of our moods improved greatly. We met up with S. at a hotel party that she had gone to the night before (It was a two night party around a gaming, etc. convention. Lots of geeky goodness.) And it was much more friendly than going to a club. Everyone went around the room introducing themselves. MasterDoc spoke for me as I was wearing my collar. (He spoke for S. too but she was free to decide who she wanted to play with that night.) We ate dinner, socialized and hung out. My friend from a few weeks ago was there as well.

I was tired because I had worked during the day, but I was quite content to snuggle up to MasterDoc while we socialized. The party had a best butt competition (one for the ladies, one for the men) and I dropped trou for the judge. Later, they announced the top three for each, and I won first place for the ladies! Whoo hoo. I got a keychain that said "1st place, 2008" and the keychain looked like a laptop and opened up to say "best butt" ...etc inside. (I left it in MasterDoc's toy bag so I don't have it to refer to just now.) Now I don't usually think of my butt as all that great, but this was the land of the BBW so I was definitely in the running. (I'm chubby, not a BBW really but tall and a big girl. I'm not thin or petite in any universe.) For a picture of my butt you can go here and here. Obviously had this been a party full of hot skinny babes there's no way I would have won best butt. But I'll take my victories where I can.

MasterDoc decided to set me up in one of the bedrooms so he could use the wax my friend brought along. Unfortunately it turned out to truly be low-melt wax - i.e., it wasn't hot at all. It was an interesting sensation but even when MasterDoc poured it on that sensitive area where my hip meets my thigh he couldn't get a rise out of me. He got more of a reaction from pouring it on S. who was laying on the bed next to me. He had both of us go down on him and he spanked us both. He played with S. with the hitachi magic wand for a bit and I amused myself with the little vibrator from his toy bag. There was a nice crowd around, and some play going on in the next bed as well.

He had me suck his cock while S. played with herself with the wand, keeping herself on the edge. (Earlier, MasterDoc demonstrated to someone how he can just touch S. on the side of her face and say, "Come" and she comes. Instantly. It's quite something to watch.) He asked me if I'm ready to be fucked and of course I said, "Yes Sir." I asked if he'd be willing to spank me a bit, as I wasn't that wet and a spanking would help move me along. He's very good to me and did give me a nice spanking to help get things going. Then he fucked me from behind on the edge of the bed. He had some guys come over and grope my breasts while he fucked me, and one used the little vibrator on my clit. I got close to coming and said, "Please Sir, may I come?" He gave permission and I came hard. He stopped fucking me and fingered me til I was screaming and moaning. Afterward, the woman in the next bed said that she thought it was so hot how I asked for permission to come. I lay down, and MasterDoc put a condom over the head of the hitachi wand and used it on me for a while - again making me come and come. I was a very happy (and very tired) girl. The lady in the next bed had always wanted to use the magic wand, so MasterDoc changed the condom on it (always good about safer sex!) and used it on her to give her a taste. I went and got us water.

We packed up and headed home after that. MasterDoc slept at my place in the spare room since his lady friend was recovering in his bed at home. We got in some cuddles before he shooed me off to bed. I went into bed and Davey woke up and somehow we began kissing and fooling around and soon we were having sex. It was a good night.

I got up to use the bathroom this morning and MasterDoc was getting ready to go. We got in a quick hug and kiss and he commented on how he heard me and Davey going at it the night before. hee hee. I lead such an interesting life. I'm so glad all my relationships are out in the open. I'd hate to be sneaking around behind anyone's back.

Depression and Scandal

2008-03-11T16:27:00.005-05:00

Of course, after my last entry I ended up with a bunch of very nice people worried about me. I'm lucky to have a lot of wonderful friends who care about me very much. The only problem is that when I'm severely depressed I get really good at convincing myself that either people don't care or that I'd be bothering them with my problems. Yeah, I know that's a bit silly but that's what it is. I got scolded by MasterDoc for not calling him when I was in crisis. I'm not used to having someone look out for me. I mean, Davey does, but I even shut him out when I'm depressed. When I was younger I always dealt with it alone, so I just fall into that pattern of withdrawal. I need to make an effort in the future to not shut everybody out.

I'm feeling better, although not 100% by any means. I haven't taken any more days off work. I spent some time with MasterDoc over the weekend and he was very kind to me - letting me have a lot of orgasms. And despite how up and down my mood was that day, I felt really horny that night. Man was I hot for him. Rowr. That lifted my mood for a bit but then it's been up and down since. Tonight Davey and I are going out to dinner, which is one of our favorite things to do, so hopefully that will make the evening enjoyable.

While MasterDoc and I were hanging out, he joked, if you're going to commit suicide then you need to tell me first so we can go do all those unsafe sex things with you we wouldn't do now. I mean, if you're going to kill yourself anyway....

And I replied: "This is supposed to stop me from wanting to commit suicide?"

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So how about this whole scandal with Eliot Spitzer? I'm kinda fascinated with all the hubub. I kinda look the whole husband-going-to-a-prostitute thing as more proof that monogamy doesn't work. On a local paper's website some people were commenting (all completely scandalized of course) that he has a beautiful wife so why would he cheat? Um, let's see, new pussy is exciting. Being able to pay for a hooker who costs that much is exciting. Human beings are sexual creatures and our desires do not all fall into neat little missionary-position-monogamy-based boxes. Maybe the hookers would do things with him that his wife wouldn't do. The unfortunate thing is that he got caught and has been exposed. I wonder how many other politicians have done the same exact thing only they haven't gotten caught.

Yes, what he did is illegal. And thus he shouldn't have done it. I won't get into how I think prostitution should be legalized (and would be far more women-friendly and supportive if it was legal and regulated), I can't argue with the fact that the man broke what is the law in this country and will now pay consequences. He made a sucky decision and got caught. Now he'll have to deal with the fallout.

The one thing that does bother me about the whole thing (besides the annoying moral righteousness of so many) is that he is said to have pursued unsafe sex with prostitutes. Ok, dude, I can understand wanting new and interesting pussy, but to put your health and the health of your wife at risk is just WRONG. Slap a condom on that thing. Heck, you can do what you want with your own health, but I'm assuming that he and his wife are fluid-bonded and to put her at risk is unconscionable. That's the thing that would have pissed me off if I was his wife.

But then we know that I'm not your typical girl.

Bad Week

2008-03-06T11:59:00.003-05:00

I'm having a rough week. Friday night triggered memories of the assault in me and so I've been dwelling on it. It doesn't help that at the end of this month marks three years since it happened, and this is a notable anniversary because after this I can't report it to police. Time will have run out. In a way, it will be a relief, because then I can stop berating myself about how I should watch out for other women and report this man, all the while knowing that my own sanity is what I really need to watch out for. Reporting him would probably yield nothing and I'd be left feeling even more angry and frustrated than I do now.

Then with all my dwelling it dawned on me that next month marks 10 years since I was raped. What a banner year of anniversaries, eh?

To top all this off I don't think my lowered dose of prozac is agreeing with me. I'm terribly depressed, even having thoughts of suicide and self-mutilation. I took a sick day today to call my shrink and see if I can sort things out. Mostly I've just slept the morning away but I did talk to my psychiatrist and I'm going to be back on the higher dose for the time being (after I'm feeling stable again, then we'll try one day on higher, one day on lower, as an attempt to put my blood levels at some point in between the higher and lower doses).

I'm feeling angry and resentful that the sexual traumas in my life still affect me. I feel that they've left me emotionally and permanently disabled. I resent the fact that my relationships with decent men in my life can be touched by the assaults at unexpected times. (Triggers have occurred with Davey, and others, so it's not just the nature of the play MasterDoc and I engage in. Really, anything can trigger it. There are times when I'm in public and I freeze inside because I've seen a man around the same age, build and hair color of the guy who assaulted me with a speculum.)

The problem with when I'm this depressed is that I withdraw and I don't talk about what's going on. I'm happily surprised that I took it upon myself to call my psychiatrist. I'm dismayed that I took a sick day because that means it's really bad. I'm now going to spend the rest of the day reining in thoughts of suicide and hurting myself and just escape into playing The Sims2. And I hope that taking a higher dose of medication today will help lift my mood somewhat.

Morning/Evening

2008-03-02T20:51:00.004-05:00

I saw MasterDoc on Friday as usual. In the morning we had a guest, a young man, 24, who looked younger than even his 24 years. I didn't realize that being only 35 would give me the perspective that people in their early 20's are really, really young. lol

MasterDoc demonstrated domming me, warning me that perhaps this would be the day when he made me cry. Later he mentioned feeling a desire to beat me until I cried to freak the young man out. Somehow, my pain tolerance was up, and I managed to take the beating without breaking down and asking him to stop. I'm not even sure what implements he used on me, he used a variety of impact implements on my backside. We were both surprised that I didn't bruise from all this.

He had me play with my clit for a while, getting myself to the edge. I successfully got there and managed to stay there. He told me he wanted me to come as soon as he put his cock into me, and to be ready. He fucked me and told me to come right away. It took a second, but then I came. I continued to come and eventually my muscles pushed his cock out. He had me flip over and he spanked me some more. He invited the young man to come closer and play with my breasts as he fucked me from behind. He had me reach out and stroke the man's cock. I came some more and lay down to rest. I stroked the young man some more, but he was having trouble getting hard. MasterDoc had me suck his (MasterDoc's) cock while the guy got his dick hard. Then, I lay down on the floor and stroked the guy until he came all over my chest. MasterDoc had me rub the guy's cock on my wet breast, then rub the come in. I think we made that guys day. lol He had me go shower off.

We spent some time hanging out after the guy left, then MasterDoc headed out to the store. That evening's plans were to be a threesome with a woman who MasterDoc has been trying to meet for a few weeks now. (Either joining S. and him, or me and him.) Yet again she didn't show. *sigh* We had a delicious dinner prepared by MasterDoc's roomate, Liz, and even tried calling friends (Davey, and others) to see if someone could join us as we had an extra serving of everything. (The crostini was divine, the cornish game hen moist and delectable, and the chocolate mousse sweet and frothy. I often say that sex is my preferred vice, but food is the other one.)

After, we hung out and digested a while (watching some Coupling in the meantime). Then MasterDoc decided that he and I should go play in the bedroom before bedtime. He decided that we've been doing too much vanilla lately, and so he tied me down to the bed. He blindfolded me and tortured me with ice cubes and hot wax. But the problem was, I wasn't in a submissive mood. And my pain tolerance had gone way down since the morning. The wax felt extra hot and the ice cube extra cold. I was miserable. I was tempted to say it was too much but then figured he'd take that as a complaint and decide to give it to me more. Eventually he took mercy on my sad face and untied me and cuddled me. This was the first time I ever felt unhappy after a scene with MasterDoc. I felt distant from him and like I had no way of getting him to stop. We fucked after that, and while it felt good, I just wasn't in the right frame of mind. We went to sleep. We cuddled in the morning, but I still felt upset with how the scene had gone the night before. I brooded on it until this afternoon when I gave MasterDoc a call to talk about it. Not only did I feel like I had no control (but not in the good, kinky way) he also teased me with the idea of asphyxiation while I was tied down. Asphyxiation freaks the shit out of me. I mean, I'm really scared of it. And being choked until you pass out just sounds like a bad idea to me. To each his own but it's just not my kink, there's too much risk in my mind.

I'm telling you all this to illustrate that occasionally, things don't click and aren't perfect. While I've felt really in tune with MasterDoc and thrilled to submit to him many times, sometimes it just doesn't work that way. Human beings aren't perfect and aren't always in tune with each other. He was glad that I called him to talk about it, as that was definitely the right thing to do. And I feel better having told him how I feel. Friday night really pushed the limits of my submission. I suppose it was inevitable that we'd get to some point where the playing got tougher. After we played on Friday night, MasterDoc made a point of telling me that if I need things to stop that I need to beg for mercy. We've never discussed safewords before this and quite honestly we didn't really need them before this, but Friday night was a night where a safeword would have been handy. I really wanted it to stop and wasn't sure how to make it stop. Now I know better for next time.

I never expected to submit to MasterDoc as deeply as I sometimes do. The fact that I lay there and took what felt like utter torture without saying a word (except some cries of pain, which I couldn't really control) indicates how far I will go to try to please him. Sometimes it's a bit scary how much control I let him have over me. In some respects it's not like it's that much - my day to day life is my own (except if I want to have sex with someone new, or in the matter of my dieting and exercising). But to date I've really just been a bedroom submissive who played with occasional partners so this is a new experience for me. No one said being a submissive was going to be easy.

BBC and Me

2008-02-23T20:21:00.009-05:00

MasterDoc came up with the title of this entry. lol I'll explain what it means later. No, it's nothing to do with the British Broadcasting Corporation. Silly readers, you should be able to guess that it's something to do with sex.

Friday night we went out to a swing club (where else) with a friend of mine (who's also friends with S. Yes, the local poly world is small.). I hadn't seen this friend in ages. When I was first getting to know her there was this ambiguity as to what what going on - were we friends? Were we dating? When it comes to women, I tend to err on the side of thinking things are purely platonic/ non-sexual. After all, the majority of my relationships with women have been platonic ones. I just considered us friends and thought no more about it. Recently I heard through the grapevine of mutual friends that apparently she was interested in me and I hadn't realized it. Doh. I think also that maybe I wasn't thinking about having something serious with her, and she seemed to me, at the time, to be a serious relationships type of gal (husband, long term girlfriend). Little did I know that she did some swinging from time to time. Hmmm.

So MasterDoc invited her to go out with us one night, and Friday was the night. When we got to the club we had a couple of drinks at the bar then took my friend on a tour of the club. We spent time hanging out, getting comfortable. MasterDoc ordered me to bend over the spanking bench and he gave me a good spanking to start off the evening. We drew a nice little crowd. He had me take my pants down first and then a little bit later, take my top off. I had to be louder than usual when it hurt too much because the club is noisy (music). MasterDoc invited my friend to play with the top half and she straddled the spanking bench in front of me. We kissed, touched, played. I rubbed her clit through the fabric of her damp velvet panties.

We took a little break after the spanking, and all three cuddled on the couch a bit. Occasionally single men would approach us, the worst of the bunch was a guy who told my friend that he's her "Master tonight." Yeah, right. Does that line ever work? On the other end of the spectrum was a nice, young African-American man named Alphonso. He simply introduced himself and was friendly to us, chatting about how this was his first time at the club. He got to hang out with us.

While we sat on the sofa there was some groping, flirting and of course me going down on MasterDoc for a while. My friend likes being sub as well, and since MasterDoc is good at wielding a flogger he offered to string her up on the cross (a vestige of when the club was once a bdsm club). I acted as assistant and got her wrists secured to the cross. He started with spanking her ass, getting her warmed up. I stood by with the flogger and crop at the ready. He had me hold the flashlight - a very good accessory for a swing club, allows you to find stuff in your toy bag, but also to highlight something that's going on - such as MasterDoc's hands hitting my friend's ass. When he asked for the flogger, I handed it to him, and he gave her a good flogging, not only on her butt but her back as well. The heavy flogger is nice and thuddy and works well on large areas of the body. He would occasionally reach between her legs and touch her, probably checking to see how wet she was and to stroke her a bit. I enjoyed watching as watching a flogging is almost as much of a turn on as having one done. Again, we drew quite a crowd.

When she got let down off the cross she needed a drink of water, which I went and fetched. Sometimes after a scene it takes a few minutes to come back down to earth and a drink of water or a small snack can help with that. Once she felt composed again, she got dressed and the three of us wandered a bit more.

Eventually we ended up in a room (a rather open room of course) with Alphonso joining us. Again, a crowd formed. The focus turned to my friend and after MasterDoc fingered her for a bit I joined in. For the second time I was told that I'm quite good with my fingers (perhaps I should start believing it and have more confidence). I stroked her g-spot and at one point moisture just flooded her pussy, enveloping my hand. After some more foreplay (and many hands on my body at one point), MasterDoc offered my cunt to Alphonso. This was notable, because I had never, in my 35 years fucked a black man. I've never had anything against doing it, they're just not my aesthetic preference. (Much like I prefer feminine women, but occasionally I'll see a boyish girl who will turn my head, I mostly prefer white or hispanic guys, with Saajan bringing Indian into the mix.) Alphonso had a BBC - big, black cock - and thus the title of this entry. He fucked me on top and it felt really good. I finally had to call out to MasterDoc for permission to come. (Luckily my friend heard me and brought my pleas to his attention as he fucked her from behind.) I was given permission and I came. Soon after, Alphonso came as well. He thanked me for the experience and said he was going to go hang out for a while. Next, MasterDoc fucked me from behind, and again I was allowed to come. When my muscles pushed him out he continued with his fingers and I came really loud. (Ah, the joys of being at a club, where louder is better. I am so noisy.)

We rested, and the crowd dispersed a bit. After a while, MasterDoc told me to go fetch Alphonso and ask if he's up for round two - i.e., this time fucking my friend as she was quite interested. (Inwardly, MasterDoc and I were a little disappointed that she didn't seem more interested in playing with either of us.) I went out naked into the club, found him, and asked him if he was up for round two. He was unsure he could perform again in one night, but he was willing to try. He said he'd like to fuck me doggy style and I pointed out that my friend had wanted a turn with him. We went back to the room and he fucked my friend, with MasterDoc and I watching (among other people). He couldn't keep going for long, but gave it the old college try. Afterwards, we decided to clean up (here, again the flashlight came in handy as I checked the room for our toys) and get dressed. We had drinks and relaxed a bit. MasterDoc ended up giving a flogging lesson to a guy who had ducked his head in the room and asked, "Can I borrow your whippy thing?" We had all agreed that if you don't know the name of the object (a flogger) you really shouldn't be wielding it. MasterDoc has a very heavy, expensive, lovely flogger which can be dangerous if you don't know what you're doing. So he showed the man how to do it and let him have a try on his partner. He also showed him how to use the crop and the woman asked me, "How do you take this?" I just pointed out that I'm kinky and I enjoy it.

We headed home, having had a very fun evening indeed. We dropped my friend at her car and called it a night. The next morning, MasterDoc and I fucked some more, in various positions. It felt really good but I couldn't quite reach the point of orgasm. It turned out that this was just as well as MasterDoc had decided that I wasn't going to be allowed to come that morning. After some lovely fucking, MasterDoc had me explore his body, seeing how I could use my mouth and fingers to arouse him. He set himself up on his side and had me play with his back and ass while he stroked himself. I massaged right around his asshole for a while and he came onto the towel he had put out. As we hung out afterwards, he dipped the tip of his finger in the come and wrote on my body with it, writing out "cunt" in come. He shooed me, sending me home. And I headed home with a nice blog entry brewing in my mind. And this, dear readers, is where you came in.

Swing Club

2008-02-19T18:54:00.003-05:00

Last night I went out to a swing club with Davey, and we met MasterDoc and S. there. I was actually feeling horny (hooray for the lowered prozac dose!) so I was keen to fuck and since I was there as Davey's date I had free reign to fuck whomever I wanted. I lucked out and there was actually a reasonably attractive guy there with a nice body. He was certainly in the right place at the right time. The four of us (me, Davey, MD, S.) were playing in a room with our respective dates (me and Davey, MasterDoc and S.). Davey fingered me, and I glanced through the doorway at this guy sitting alone, naked, stroking himself. In the dim light of the club it wasn't easy to see if he was attractive or not, so I only stole occasional glances, but I was developing a plan in my mind.

I got out the bullet vibe and had Davey finger me until I came, while I used the vibe on my clit. It was nice to be able to come at will and I came pretty hard, but surprisingly I didn't squirt at all. Orgasming is still a little bit of a struggle, not as easy as I remember it once being, but it's improving. S. came over to help get Davey hard (it's not easy being naked in public) and I wandered off, naked, to get a drink of water from the bar. I got a better look at the guy in the chair then, and decided that I'd like to fuck him. I went back into the room and caressed and kissed Davey as S. went down on him. I whispered to Davey, "I'm going to go see if that guy wants to fuck me." Davey asked me to get him his glasses as he wanted to see me simply go up to this guy and ask if he wanted to fuck.

I walked over to the guy and somewhat shyly said, "Would you be up to fucking me?" It took a second for this to register in his head and he muttered bewilderedly something like, "Yeah, sure. I'll try." I went back into the room and knelt with my ass in the air, stroking my pussy while he got himself hard and the condom on. (I had handed him the condom - always good to be prepared and make it ultra clear that condoms are to be worn.) He fucked me from behind and I managed to come again towards the end - as usual my muscles ejected his penis as I came, but he was coming by this time as well so we finished with him rubbing up against me on the outside. I'm sure I made this guy's night, as going to a swing club as a single male has the potential to be an expensive evening of just watching other people. Davey watched the whole thing right next to me as S. went down on him. (He likes seeing me fuck.)

It was nearly time for Davey and I to head home as we had work the next morning. But as Davey and I hadn't fucked yet I was definitely up for staying a bit longer and fucking. We tried with me on top but the beds are crap at this club (either air mattresses you have to do a balancing act on, or uneven, hard, futonesque couches) so we couldn't get things going right. We switched over to me on my back and this worked much better. We fucked for a while and Davey finally got to come.

Just before we were leaving, I looked over and MasterDoc was playing with S.'s breasts while some guy massaged her pussy. She was begging to be allowed to come and finally MasterDoc gave permission. She came really hard and it's fun watching her come because she comes so hard. She also squirts every time so her panties were soaked (luckily they had put a towel down underneath her since the squirting was expected). We let her collect herself before we said our goodbyes and we left them to stay late into the night, hopefully getting up to more mischief.

After a stop on the west side for some fresh bagels, we drove home noshing on bagels (mine was still warm - yummo) and talking about what we had gotten up to that evening. I never cease to amaze Davey when I do something like go up to some random stranger and ask him to fuck. lol I did get that guy's name afterward so he wasn't a completely anonymous fuck - just anonymous while I was fucking him.

What a good start to the week.

Less Prozac = Good Thing

2008-02-17T16:24:00.003-05:00

I've been on the lower dose of prozac for nearly two weeks now, and there's been an improvement with my libido. I'm still not feeling 100% myself, but we'll see how it goes from here. I'm happy to report that vanilla sex is becoming fun again. I think in the months when I was numbed by the medication, the intensity of something like bdsm or public sex could cut through the layer of numbness I had, but loving, vanilla sex could not. But now I'm responding more, which means really good things for my relationship with Davey considering he and I don't do bdsm together. Another indication things have gotten better is that I was so totally on the edge the other day when MasterDoc had me use my bullet vibe while we entertained a stranger. I've had a hard time getting to the edge and riding it in recent months. I was so close to coming that my vaginal muscles twitched a bit as I took the vibe away from my clit. I could have had an explosive orgasm at that point. Orgasm denial might get a little bit challenging for a change - I hope! (It's been pitifully easy for me to not come in recent months.)

Of course with the lowered dose also comes more emotions. I actually teared up for the first time in months a few nights ago. (I haven't been able to cry in ages.) I'm feeling so much more now than I did on the high dose of prozac. It's nice but it can be a little intense at times. I'm just now realizing how emotionally intense it can be to submit to someone. It seems like nice casual "playtime" at the outset, but I've grown quite attached to MasterDoc even though we're not in a traditional sort of relationship. (I sometimes refer to him as my other boyfriend, but really Dom/sub describes what we have going on.)

I saw MasterDoc for my usual Friday and we put on show for someone. The usual - me being Dom-ed, flogged, fucked, etc. in front of a total stranger. I should maybe keep track of how many people have seen my naked body, but then considering how many people can be around at swing clubs I think it's too hard to keep track of that sort of thing. Suffice it to say many people have seen me naked. As I said before, I was better at getting to the edge orgasm-wise so it was really fun when I played with the bullet vibe or MasterDoc fucked me. He let me come (he's so good to me) and it's nice to be feeling more of it again. (I wonder, can we lower my dose further? Of course then I have to worry about the effect that could have on my depression, the whole reason I'm on prozac in the first place.)

It's nice to feel like I'm almost having a mini sexual awakening. I hope this improves further, or I'll be talking to my doctor about options. (Wellbutrin sounds like it's a good option.)

I went for a walk with Davey today. I'm working on getting past laziness so I get exercise in. That's the hardest part. I'm eating healthier for the most part and not pigging out on stuff. But the exercise - I'm so bad about exercising. Ugh.

The Toughest Directive

2008-02-13T08:11:00.005-05:00

I got the opportunity to spend some time with MasterDoc yesterday. I went over to his place with the mindset of getting him off, as I knew his back was bothering him and he wasn't up to much else. I was looking forward to it, after all my period started that morning so I wasn't feeling especially horny. (First couple of days I'm not usually that horny. I feel kinda crampy and gross and cups are more likely to leak those first heavy days.) I must really be a sub since I was really looking forward to taking care of his needs and that was going to be satisfying in and of itself.

We ended up going out to breakfast at IHOP with his roomate Liz. That breakfast was enough to hold me until dinner. (Yes, indeed Master and sub do normal things like go out to IHOP. I often like those simple things as much as I like the sex. Hm, ok maybe not. lol But I appreciate non-sexual time spent with him as well.)

Good thing I indulged myself at breakfast, because following that MasterDoc gave me what, up to this point, is probably the most difficult directive he's ever given me. He's decided that we're going to lose weight, and we're going to do it together. As he'll lose three pounds for every two I lose his weight loss will depend on me. (I should lose slowly and healthily of course.) He's concerned about his health, and I have to admit that making this about his health, well-being and longevity has really put the pressure on. Of course I want to have him healthy and around for as long as possible. Heck, I want to be healthier than I am now, but my own health was never been enough of a motivation. I'm lazy, I hate exercise, I'm out of shape which just makes exercise all that more difficult, I love to eat. All these are things I'm going to have to overcome. I'm really afraid of failure. My entire adult life I've gone through periods where I tried to lose weight and I've never been particularly successful. (I did lose about 20 pounds back in college. But god that was ages ago. And I didn't have being 35 and on anti-depressants working against me (slower metabolism). On the other hand, maybe I'll manage this time because there's someone other than me to let down if I fail. My issues with food and exercise are deeply ingrained alongside a small dose of residual self-loathing. I told MasterDoc that I think it would be easier to have him piss in my mouth. lol And that's something I really don't want to do. Licking his ass was easier than this - this is so all encompassing, it's not just about several minutes in time. It's changing my life patterns. I'm on day two of my period and between the cramps and trying to watch my eating I'm a cranky camper.

This too shall pass.

I'm sure you'd all much rather read about how he fucked me after all, but I feel like blathering on about the weight loss thing.

Busy Weekend, Part II

2008-02-11T18:26:00.001-05:00

As I drove home on Saturday, I felt the mix of emotions I always do at that point - sad that my time with MasterDoc has come to an end (for another whole week, *sigh*), but happy to be going home to Davey.

Davey's birthday was this week, and since he was so kind as to organize a gang bang for my birthday, I had to come up with something equally fun for him. So S. and I plotted and schemed (for she's not just one of MasterDoc's subs and a friend of mine, she's slept with Davey as well) and decided to give him a surprise threesome. A few times Davey has mentioned the idea of a FMF threesome wistfully. We've done MFM a few times (and a MFMF foursome a few times), but I never really had a woman friend who I could call upon to join us before. S., however, was very eager to help make Davey's fantasy a reality. (Not that he hadn't had FMF before - he did before he even met me. I can't take credit for all the naughty things he's gotten up to.) Now, granted, with the focus being on Davey's pleasure I was far more willing to have a straight woman involved in this threesome than I might be otherwise. *grin* Nothing against straight people, they can't help it, they're just born that way. But of course if I'm having a FMF threesome I would generally like the woman to be bi. But! This was a birthday present, so Davey's pleasure was all that I was concerned with. I was also happy for the other woman to be someone I've very fond of and really comfortable with.

We got some Chinese for dinner and chatted happily at S.'s place. Davey could surmise basically what was going to happen, but he didn't know the details. S. had suggested we use her underbed restraints (never before used, much to her chagrin) and tie Davey down to her bed and "have our wicked way with him." She also suggested blindfolding him, so we did that as well. After dinner we went off to the bedroom and had him get naked and lie on the bed. Out came the restraints from under the bed and soon we had him secured down. We blindfolded him, but that turned out to be not his thing since he really gets off on seeing what's going on. We kept him that way for a little while and he said he wasn't sure who was doing what except for the fact that one of us was on one side of him and the other was on the other side. We took turns playing with his nipples, sucking his cock, licking his balls. He had a raging hard on the whole time. *grin* I showed S. the sweet spot just behind Davey's ear. That's the spot that has him slack-jawed and shivering in seconds. Just lick it hard and he's a puddle of mush.

S. has the remarkable ability to come at the drop of a hat, or rather, the lick of a nipple. Davey licked and sucked at one of her nipples and she managed to come. Lucky girl. (I'm a wee bit jealous but ultimately happy for her. I just wish I could come that easily too. *sigh* Once upon a time I was nearly that orgasmic, although not quite.) After teasing Davey for a while I grabbed a condom, put it on him and got on top. I rode him for a while until I came (yes, my response is getting better, it wasn't intense but it happened all the same). Next, we untied him (blindfold was off by this time) and he fucked S. with him on top. (And she had another several intense, squirting orgasms.) After Davey came, we all took a break. It's nice when you have friends you're so comfortable with that you can lay in bed naked with them and just chit chat away.

Davey was up for a second round a short while later, and this time he fucked me with him on top. I managed to come again (go me!) as did Davey, and we all decided to have another break. This time we got dressed (her apartment is cold!) and had some leftovers from dinner. We got to talking and while a round three was planned, before we knew it it was getting late and we were ready to say goodnight. (I was feeling tired, but as I expressed to those two, I had no issues with them going off for another fuck without me. But I think Davey was ready to call it a day as well.)

Judging by the huge grin on his face the entire time, I'm sure Davey liked his birthday present. Yet again I he said to me, "Best girlfriend ever!"

Busy Weekend, Part I

2008-02-10T13:04:00.000-05:00

Reducing my dose of prozac seems to have helped somewhat with my sexual response. I'm hoping it will help further with a little more time. Davey and I had a good time in bed for his birthday, and I was more responsive than I've been in a while.

This weekend I got up to no good two nights in a row. I've been a busy girl. On Friday, I saw MasterDoc as usual. We went out to the swing club he's been going to a lot lately - either with me or with S. There were quite a few eager single men there, as well as an eager older couple. I mean, the eager couple were senior citizens. We spent some time getting the lay of the land, trying to make eye contact with an attractive younger couple with no luck. We went off into one of the back rooms and spent some time cuddling before getting started. I sucked his cock for a while and he received a phone call while I was doing this (not the first time he's answered his phone while we're in the middle of something). He said something to the person on the other end of the phone about being sorry that she couldn't join us. I wondered if this had to do with the surprise he said he had for me, but then said wasn't going to happen. Indeed, it was a woman who he was seeking to join us for the evening.

A bit later, when we went to get out the little vibrator that we bring along, we discovered that the battery was dead. Oh no! He asked the owner of the club for a battery, and while the owner wandered off MasterDoc turned to me and said, "When he comes back I want you to grab the battery and thank him effusively." I was mortified, but then humiliation was the point of that exercise. I'm very shy around new people, so to act like that was really hard for me. I did as I was told but I was embarrassed the whole time. The first battery didn't work, but the owner came back with more and we got the vibe working again. I was happy to know that the vibe was at my disposal (if MasterDoc allowed me to use it, that is).

We went back into one of the back rooms, and as I went down on MasterDoc he allowed one of the single guys to begin groping me. Now, as long as I knew that MasterDoc was in control of the situation, I found it hot to be groped by complete strangers. The only time I got a little nervous was when the guy behind me put his hand down my pants and started fingering me - I wasn't sure if MasterDoc could see what exactly the guy was doing. When someone else would reach a hand in and start touching me, I'd be reassured when MasterDoc would sternly tell them, "No touching without asking first." Soon, at least two guys were groping my body while I sucked MasterDoc's cock. The guys around me had their cocks out and were stroking themselves. MasterDoc got out a condom, and asked me if I wanted to get fucked. "Yes, Sir," I replied. He then looked at one of the guys, held out the condom and asked, "Do you want to fuck her?"

Of course the guy was happy to oblige. And here was the first time I've ever fucked someone having absolutely no idea what their name is and having gotten only a glance at what they looked like. The guy fucked me from behind as I continued to suck MasterDoc's cock. My moans were muffled by having the cock in my mouth. I'm sure the small crowd that had gathered in the room was glad to be watching, the guys probably hoping they'd be next to get a turn. Since I had no connection to the guy fucking me, whatsoever, it was all about the sensations in my cunt, and the thrill of doing something so naughty - fucking some complete stranger because MasterDoc decided to have me fuck him. Granted, I've fucked strangers before, but not someone whose name I hadn't gotten, who I had no conversation with beforehand.

We fucked for a bit then MasterDoc decided he wanted to fuck me himself. He fucked me good and hard from behind and I made such a racket moaning. I just love being out at clubs because my loudness is desirable there. I love when MasterDoc fucks me, his cock feels so good. After fucking for a while he decided to let me come, despite my "auto-eject" feature (my muscles clamp down so much they push penises out). I came, screaming and moaning, and when my muscles pushed him out MasterDoc continued with his fingers. We had drawn quite a crowd by this time.

He decided that we should get dressed and move around a bit. I was feeling a little irked by the old guy (of the old couple) who, more than once, reached out and touched me without asking. I wasn't interested in him to begin with, and his being so rude just annoyed the heck out of me. I trusted MasterDoc to take care of the situation (and he did), but I came really close to telling the guy to back off myself.

We hung out some more. At one point MasterDoc set me up in the back room with a blindfold on, playing with the magic wand through my clothes. Unfortunately the wand started numbing me a bit (the down side of the wand). It was getting late so MasterDoc decided we should go home (I was glad because I was getting pretty tired).

The next morning, he had me suck him for a bit then get on top and ride him. (Not enough time for foreplay, he just had me use lube to get myself ready.) We fucked for a while and I love how he grabs hold of my head and thrusts deep inside me. His hands block my ears for a moment and it's a tiny bit of sensory deprivation. I'm getting all horny just thinking about it now. (Yup, the reduced prozac has given me back some of my libido.)

Next installment: what I got up to Saturday night as a surprise for Davey's birthday. *grin*

Randomness

2008-02-04T21:23:00.000-05:00

I saw my psychiatrist today and he's reducing my dose of prozac. He says I should give it two weeks and if my libido and orgasm issues haven't resolved themselves by then I should call him and we'll try something different. I like my shrink. He's someone who you can talk about sexual issues with in a calm, no-big-deal sort of way, like two adults.

I'm feeling lonely tonight. Davey was away all weekend (and D.S. canceled plans on me again) so I've spent a lot of time by myself since Saturday morning. Davey's out tonight at a hockey game, a birthday present to himself. I'm happy for him to go enjoy a hockey game, I'm just feeling sorta lonely and cranky tonight. I've been feeling like I want attention all weekend. Of course, I'm sure my being premenstrual plays into all this.

Aww, MasterDoc and S. just called me. MasterDoc picked up on my glum mood via my IMing with him a short while ago so he decided to give me a call. I tell you, he's really good at picking up on my moods. Having some human contact perked me up a bit.

Looks like HPV is becoming a bigger issue for men now as well. Of course, I don't think getting paranoid about HPV is useful since it's an extremely common virus. It just makes checking up on your health even more important. I stick to a schedule of regular pap tests because it would be idiotic in this day and age to skip them and end up with cervical cancer. (Ok so the test doesn't prevent cervical cancer, but it does detect cell changes early.)

I think that's all I had to babble about tonight.

Leisurely Fuck

2008-02-02T22:38:00.001-05:00

I got to spend a day with MasterDoc. Sometimes my work schedule works out so I get a full day with him. He was in the mood to do a show, but unfortunately everyone he had lined up to watch canceled. He seemed to be in a very Dom-ly mood, but I was in the mood to take a little pain (strangely I was also in the mood to cuddle). He's discovered that flogging with oxygen tubing stings like the dickens but doesn't really leave marks or do any real harm. I got spanked and flogged with the stingy oxygen tubing and my crop/slapper. He had me kneeling on the floor with my ass in the air. He said that he was going to take his time fucking me, and he slowly fucked me from behind, sometimes slapping my ass with his hands or the tubing. It felt so good and I begged to be allowed to come. He didn't give me permission, and I rode the edge for a long time. Every now and then I'd start begging again, "Please, please let me come Sir." I begged so pitifully that he decided to have mercy on me and let me come. He fucked me long and slow and I enjoyed every second of it. We spent the better part of a couple of hours fucking slowly in a few positions.

We tried to figure out another position so that perhaps I could be on my back, but MasterDoc's back was bothering him so that limited our options. Finally we ended up with me on top, riding him like crazy. I really got into it and went past where I thought my stamina was. I was in a very slutty mood indeed. I'd get lost in my head, just enjoying how everything felt.

He fucked me again from behind, slowly. I moaned and moaned. Part of me wanted to say "hurt me" but I held back. He hit me with the tubing even without my saying it. As I came I got into the pain and came harder. Until recently I hadn't thought of myself as a masochist, but I really do get off on pain sometimes. It's all about context, and when I'm aroused it's easier to convert pain to pleasure.

We went and lounged on his bed for a while afterward. He got to talking about having someone listen to us fooling around on the phone. My issues with talking on the phone came up. (It tends to make me very anxious and I don't know what to say. Yes, I totally suck at phone sex.) He joked that the way to get me to make peace with using the phone is to use the phone on me in a sexual way. He was very silly putting his cordless phone up to my pussy, taking the antenna and sliding it in a bit. "You're a kinky man," I said, and related to him a Coupling episode where it's implied that someone got "phoned" in that way.

We spent the rest of the day hanging out. That night, he decided that we should use a phone chat service to get someone to listen in to us having sex (with him doing the talking, me doing what I'm instructed to do). We got a guy calling himself Master something on the line. I did as I the guy directed, including licking MasterDoc's asshole. (And we know how much I love that - not.) He described what I did blow by blow to the guy on the phone. I sucked MasterDoc's cock and played with his asshole with my fingers. The conversation didn't go on for long, but MasterDoc is trying to interest the guy in coming to one of our "shows." After the phone call, MasterDoc told me to lay back and enjoy myself - he got out the magic wand and went to town on my cunt. Being a good girl, eager to please, pays off. I came so hard, over and over. I'm surprised he didn't admonish me to be quiet, I don't see how I couldn't have been disturbing the neighbors. I thought my head was going to explode off my shoulders. *grin*

As he tucked me in that night, making sure I had a blanket in case I got cold, I said, "You're sweet."

"Yeah, well remember that when I'm pissing in your mouth."

There are things that are cute only when he says them. If anyone else said them to me I'd be highly offended or upset. The dynamic we have wouldn't work with me and just anybody. I find myself giving him far more control than I imagined giving anyone. I mean, I actually exercise because he checks up on me weekly. I think it takes a pretty strong man to take control of me, and to have me give up so much control.

Inebriated

2008-01-27T16:18:00.000-05:00

Usually I'm pretty reserved as far as alcohol and the like. As I've said here before, sex is my real vice. This weekend however I went a bit overboard and a really enjoyable time of it. Saturday night I went out with some friends to dinner and got myself good and drunk (Davey made sure I got home, and then gleefully "took advantage" of me in my drunken state. Of course I put that in quotes because it was all quite consensual.) I got chatty in my drunkeness and finally asked my cross-dressing ex if his wife knows about his cross dressing and kinkiness. (I've been wondering for a few years now!) Alas, the answer was "we don't talk about that" but that he's "happy." Hmm. So I suppose I'm still the only girlfriend he was ever really open to about his cd and kinky interests. I think I blathered something else in his ear about what ever happened to all the wonderful kinky gear he had (I missed that when he and I broke up! Fun stuff!) he said some of it's still around. Drunk as I was, I think I said something offhandedly like, "Well if you ever want to get rid of that stuff I'm right here!" lol I do hope I didn't embarrass myself TOO much last night. I was discreet about asking him the questions about cross dressing and kinkiness so the rest of our friends didn't hear and his wife didn't hear. I then whispered in his ear about how I have a Dom now who I see about once a week but that of course, "Davey knows. Our relationship is really open." I'm sure my ex went home last night thinking that he knows way more than he ever wanted to about what I'm up to right now. lol Man was I chatty! Soon it became a joke with Davey and my ex when I'd say for the 12th, 13th, 14th, etc. time that "I'm so drunk right now!" All I had was two margaritas. But this place in the city makes margaritas that will kick your ass. (Plus all day I had only eaten a bagel with lox and cream cheese with MasterDoc early in the afternoon. Then I started drinking in the evening before dinner. I was sloshed before I was through my first drink and we ordered food.)

Friday night I went out with MasterDoc and was intoxicated on something else. I had barely ever been in that state before, so it was interesting walking the city streets feeling delightfully disoriented and high. I felt really cuddly towards MasterDoc and kissing him that night was so wonderful. He threatened to have a whole bunch of guys fuck me at the swing club that night, and I so would have been up for it. *grin* I keep waiting for the day he finally makes good on that threat.

The club was a bit slow, and ultimately the most we did with anyone else was having this rather chatty guy play with my breasts while MasterDoc got me worked up. The guy offered that we could go into one of the private back rooms (yet again we were camped out in the "exhibitionist room" and kept hearing the owner give tours and point this room out, which made me a bit giggly in my state) so that MasterDoc could have "two slaves." Oh my. Alas, men are not MasterDoc's type. But interesting that he picked up on what my wearing a collar meant more or less.

MasterDoc had me play with myself, getting myself right to the edge. I found myself more horny than usual and I was able to get myself on the edge which can be so hard these days. (Early Feb I see my shrink to talk about different medication.) MasterDoc then fucked me from behind and it felt wonderful. I love how loud you can get in a club and I was screaming as I came. I was too far off in my own headspace to notice, but MasterDoc tells me that we drew a crowd, including the voyeuristic female bartender who I'm glad to hear watched us. There was a guy there who he would have given a turn to, but the guy was too reserved and didn't show any interest. *sigh*

My memories of the weekend are slightly fuzzy, but damn I had a good time. Can't live your life like that all the time (I have a friend who would beg to differ but then she's always unhappy despite the "fun" she has with drugs and alcohol.) and now I'm back to my sober life. I like taking excursions on the wild side, but do so prudently so that I don't harm myself or others. Both nights I had men who I trusted with me (Davey or MasterDoc) so that I wasn't left in an intoxicated state without someone to watch out for me.

Three Out on the Town

2008-01-22T20:31:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I was horny and looking forward to fucking Davey when he got home. However, he ended up having to work late, and he didn't know what time he was going to get home. Oh bother. Earlier in the day, MasterDoc had asked me if I wanted to go out to a swing club with him and I had said no because I had plans with Davey. (Davey's working long hours just now, so we haven't had much sex lately. I gave him a blow job on Friday evening but it's been a while since we've had sex.) With Davey not getting home on time, MasterDoc asked if I wanted to join him and S. in going to the swing club after all. S. had never been to one before, so having me along might actually help her feel a bit more comfortable. (As mentioned here before, S. is another sub of MasterDoc's and she and I have become friends. Together we make up the MasterDoc fan club.) It was going to be an early night since I had work the next day, but I was really in the mood to be fucked so I was glad to go out. I hoped that with MasterDoc needing to focus on making S. feel comfortable, I might be able to have a little freedom to fuck at will. This was mentioned to MasterDoc on the way there, and he said he'd take the matter under advisement.

S. was understandably nervous, but at the same time she was excited to be trying something new. When we got to the club, S. and I were the only women there (for a while afterwards too) and of course MasterDoc looked like quite the stud with two women hanging on him. (Everyone else there was a single guy.) We took some time to get comfortable, then MasterDoc had S. blow him right there in front of everyone. She was nervous but got into it quite well. He and I kissed a bit while she went down on him. After some time, he had us switch.

Eventually another couple arrived so we weren't the only women there, then another couple. But no one was really playing yet. We went over to an air mattress that's only barely hidden behind a mesh curtain and MasterDoc got naked, then had S. get naked. She was really nervous, but did as she was told. He had her blow him some more and she was able to focus on that task rather than her feelings of self-consciousness. I sat next to them and MasterDoc had me take my top off and he played with my breasts while getting the blow job. (As we played last night, every so often we heard the owner of the club go by giving a tour and he'd point out that where we were playing is "the exhibitionist room" and indeed the exhibitionists were having a grand time there. Made me grin a little whenever this happened. MasterDoc and I are definitely exhibitionists.) At one point, MasterDoc commanded S. to come, without even touching her breasts or genitals, and she came. Quite amazing to watch. I had heard she was capable of that but hadn't seen it. I'm a little bit jealous, I wish I could do that.

Every so often MasterDoc would ask if there was anyone there I'd like to fuck. There were a few guys there I wouldn't have minded fucking, but no one I was totally drooling over. Plus, I get shy when saying things. I would express that there were guys I was "willing to fuck" but not outright say that I wanted to fuck someone. This inability to verbalize cost me some fucking. But MasterDoc had fun spanking both of us (butts in the air in the same direction). And I got to be fucked by MasterDoc (and allowed to come. And when my vagina did it's usual "eject" contractions upon orgasm, he finished me off with his hands.) I was very happy to have been fucked, particularly by MasterDoc, but I could have taken more. We had one persistent viewer, and he seemed okay, so when MasterDoc checked to see if I'd mind playing with him, I said I didn't mind. The guy expressed the desire to kiss my cunt and so MasterDoc invited him to do so. He went down on me for a while, then slid his fingers inside me. It felt really good but he didn't quite get me over the edge. (Damn prozac, I used to come easily regardless of whether a guy was good at fingering me, but now I only manage to eke out little mild orgasms instead.) If the guy had made me come with his fingers/tongue, MasterDoc was going to let him fuck me, but in the end it didn't happen. Still, I had fun being slutty - being eaten out by some guy whose name I don't know - hot! The guy was really appreciative about what he had gotten to do. While the guy went down on me, MasterDoc fucked S., which was fun to watch as well.

By this time it was time to head home, which was a shame as the place was just getting busy. Damn work hinders my sex life again! ;-) Despite her nervousness, S. had a good time and she and MasterDoc are going back next Monday night. Hooray.

I realized last night that there's about three levels of attraction or non-attraction for me. There's people I'm physically attracted to right away, or people who I'm mentally attracted to after getting to know them a bit. Then there's people who I'm not especially attracted to, but I feel comfortable with them and I'm enough of a slut to fuck these people if asked to (or they happen to be who's around and I'm horny). And at the bottom of the ladder are people I'm very much not attracted to and/or who I feel somehow uncomfortable or unsafe with. These are the people I'd rather not fuck. The guy who fingered me fell into the second category. Oh and people who are in the first category for their looks can drop a category or two if I get to know them and they're dumb and/or obnoxious. Whereas people who are in the second category can jump to the first if I get to know them and they're smart and wonderful. Anyway, I'm babbling. And that's the tale of what I got up to last night.

Bruised

2008-01-19T17:36:00.000-05:00

Lucky girl, I got to see MasterDoc twice this week. There was supposed to be another visitor this time but that fell through. Instead, MasterDoc played with my body however he liked, taking his time with it. Starting with touching me gently as we lay on his bed listening to music, soon he had me laying on my back, thighs spread, flogging my inner thighs. He got a nice rhythm going and he'd sometimes look as if he was going to hit hard, but then surprise me with just a light hit. He had terrific aim as he flogged my breasts (owie did that hurt). It was very appropriate that at one point he was beating me to the sound of Tom Lehrer's "The Masochism Tango." (On a cd of collected Lehrer songs given to him by one of his other subs.)

It's funny, I don't generally think of myself as a masochist. I mostly just think of myself as a sub, but the fact is I do like some pain... but I like it better when my pain tolerance is up. Last week everything hurt awful and I had a hard time dealing with it. This week it hurts but not nearly so much and it's kinda relaxing to be beaten. In the moment I sometimes wonder why I'm consenting to being beaten, but afterwards I'm always in a great mood and really happy to have been smacked around.

He had me turn over so that I was on my knees, and he flogged my ass some with the stingy little flogger (avoiding the already bruised areas from the other day's paddle work). He used the heavy flogger on my upper back, which is always something I expect to bother my back issues but it never does. Instead it's kinda hypnotic. The flogging went on for a while. When he took a break he had me go down on him for a bit, and I did my best to make him hard so he would fuck me.

He fucked me from behind, standing at the end of the bed. He allowed me to come and used his fingers for a while. I came but not really hard. I find that happens a lot lately where I manage to come but it's not as spectacular and earth-shaking as it could be. (Damn prozac.) But, an orgasm is still a good thing.

There was a little time for a break... I don't remember how we segue way from one fucking to the next, but the next time I was on my back with him on top of me. I like when he grabs my hair or slaps my face while fucking me face to face, it makes the whole scene more intense. I was allowed to come again (thank you MasterDoc!) and he spent some time fucking me with his small vibrator, then he let me take over using it on myself (the vibrator was poking my instead cup so I said "ow" a few times. I was better able to control the situation myself). He let me give myself another couple of orgasms and it was so good as I hadn't been in a situation like that (multiple orgasms over a period of time) in a long while. I could have kept going but he had me stop.

Before and after the fucking I ended up doing some chores around the house - taking the garbage out, emptying the dishwasher, etc. I guess you can get used to anything as I don't chafe at the idea of doing chores as much as I used to. (It's still not my favorite thing to do, but I think it's good that I get off my lazy ass sometimes. I find it makes me be more mindful of helping out at home so Davey isn't stuck doing everything, although I suppose Davey might say that it makes me more likely to be a brat about doing chores around the house as I can get away with a little brattyness with him, but not with MasterDoc. Ah but the point is I'm doing the chores. ;-)

We had lunch and hung out for a while. MasterDoc helped me out as I've been having battery issues with my car. He's lent me a battery so I can jump start it if it won't start again, until I get around to getting a new battery. That's something I love about poly - having many people to help you out. Davey's working long hours this week and next so he's not been home, but I'm not left on my own, I still have someone I can count on for advice and support. Being poly rocks.

If I get around to it, I might come back later and post pics of my lovely bruises. No time right now.

A Stranger Visits

2008-01-17T20:49:00.000-05:00

It had been a while since MasterDoc scared up an audience for our activities. But Wednesday night he had someone come over and watch him Dom me, and of course it was hot having some complete stranger watch. (I'm such an exhibitionist, and well, a slut.) A nice man with a faint English accent came by. (At one point I mentioned to MasterDoc that I had had phone sex twice years before with men just because they had English accents. I'm a sucker for the Brits... and the Scots...)

I had been hoping we'd do a "show" sometime soon. I missed doing them. This time our audience was quite appreciative - getting his cock out and playing with himself. While all are invited to do so most don't generally. MasterDoc asked him if he had any special requests and after I had been flogged a bit he requested to see me paddled. MasterDoc has one large ping pong-type paddle in his collection, and it can sting quite a bit. I now have two nice dark bruises on my lower butt cheeks. I got really wet from being beaten. I think it surprises me a little still that pain can bring on such arousal in me. I sucked MasterDoc's cock for a while, and at one point he had me reach over and stroke the stranger's cock for a bit. MasterDoc fucked me for a little while and the stranger requested to see me fucked up the ass, but it didn't happen. While fucking me, MasterDoc had me look the stranger in the eye. I find it hard to do this, so I keep closing my eyes without noticing and have to really remind myself to look.

I was surprisingly horny that night and came close to orgasm while MasterDoc had me use the magic wand on myself. Silly girl, I didn't ask to be allowed to come and so I didn't end up coming that night. I need to be more vocal but in recent months it's sometimes been hard for me to come on command so I hesitate to say I'm ready to come out of fear that it won't happen within the time frame I'm given. I've gotten TOO good at holding back orgasms. And strangely enough, holding back on orgasms doesn't make me want them more, it actually makes me quite able to live without them most of the time. The one thing that makes me want more orgasms is having orgasms. I'd love one day to be forced to come until I'm exhausted and have to beg to be allowed to stop.

At one point, MasterDoc used nipple clamps on me for the first time (for a while he had misplaced the gentler ones. I can't handle the clover clamps.) He had me put the chain in my teeth while he slowly let go of my breasts, so that the weight of my breasts was pulling down on the clamps. Yow. That really hurt. (And yet I find myself becoming aroused thinking about this.) He used hot wax on both my front and back, but thankfully spared the really sensitive spot by my thigh. He humiliated me a bit by making me say what he had me do last time (eat from a bowl on the floor like a dog).

Ultimately, I ended up stroking the stranger's cock some more. I did my best to help him come but he didn't come before MasterDoc grew a bit bored and decided it was time for him to go. He sounds like someone who would gladly come back. MasterDoc mentioned his plans for a gang bang for me sometime and the stranger expressed enthusiastically that he'd like to be a part of that.

It felt good to be used in front of a stranger again. I really get off on that.

The Other Night

2008-01-12T14:53:00.000-05:00

The other night Davey and I went over to MasterDoc's after work. For a while now we've been talking about having Davey watch while MasterDoc doms me and the other night we finally made it happen. It was kinda strange having Davey watch, I had thought I'd be more into it and not as embarrassed as I was. But being lowly and humiliated in front of Davey was extra humiliating - far more so than doing it in front of strangers.

MasterDoc of course had me serve them all evening - getting drinks, making salad to go with dinner, picking up dinner, cleaning up the kitchen, etc. All that was fine, but then he had me do something he's never done before. He had me eat my dinner out of a bowl on the floor, just like a dog. I was not allowed to use my hands, not even to turn the bowl. This was deeply humiliating, particularly in front of Davey. However, I did as I was told. (And despite, or perhaps because of, the humiliation I sit here getting horny writing about this.) They commented on how my face was red and wanted to know if that was because my head was tipped forward or because I was blushing. I'm not sure which but I definitely don't rule out blushing.

I tend to mess up a lot and forget to add "Sir" to the end of things I say to MasterDoc while I'm in my collar, but usually he's not too strict about it. However, he was more strict the other night. I don't know if it was because of Davey being there or because he's being more strict with me now as a rule. I'd guess the latter.

My pain tolerance was really down, so it hurt like a motherf%*$er when he dripped hot wax on my nipples and down in that sensitive spot by the thigh. He didn't hold back on hurting me with Davey there, and Davey seemed to enjoy watching, even if he's not one to do it himself. When we left, I turned to Davey and said, "See, you treat me way too gently." But it's just his nature to be gentle and loving, and there's nothing wrong with that. Alas, it's my nature to want to be smacked around and taken control of.

MasterDoc had me go down on Davey although Davey smartly pulled away when MasterDoc came back over to me with the burning candle. With my pain tolerance being so low he really ran the risk of me reacting badly while his penis was in my mouth. I'm a little fuzzy on details but I know that they took turns fingering me, took turns fucking me and eventually put me on the sybian. I was allowed to use the controller myself for a bit, but of course I couldn't come without permission. MasterDoc took over the controls and told me to get myself right on the edge of coming.... and then he turned the machine off. I wasn't allowed to come that night.

Now, I was supposed to see MasterDoc in a couple of days and Davey agreed to not have sex with me in the meantime and of course MasterDoc wouldn't give me permission to masturbate in that time period either. The bad part, however, is that MasterDoc had to cancel because his back was bothering him, and my plans to see D.S. for the next day were canceled because he's still sick, and now I'm home alone - Davey's out on a couple of dates today. I text messaged MasterDoc after our plans got canceled last night and got permission to masturbate while I'm home alone today. I'm feeling really sexually unsatisfied at the moment. I'm not entirely sure that masturbation will take care of that. What I could go for right now is a good hard fuck where I'm allowed to come at will. It feels like it's harder for me to come these days and while I think a lot of it is thanks to my taking prozac, I do wonder if some of it is because I'm so trained to hold back on orgasms. I'm also getting way used to having orgasms thanks to machines like the magic wand and the sybian, so I'm thinking perhaps when I masturbate today I'll do it the old fashioned way - with my hands and only my hands. Just to prove to myself I still can.

Friday Flogging

2008-01-06T12:41:00.000-05:00

Friday changed shape when MasterDoc called me in the afternoon and said that he was feeling better, and did I want to come over? He left it up to me as there's a chance of me catching a mild viral infection from him. I opted to take the risk.

The evening started off with me helping him clean. I was in a really submissive mood so it was easy for me to not complain and just ask, "What do you want me to do?" when he mentioned cleaning. I figured I was still due some sort of punishment from complaining a few weeks back and cleaning certainly is punishment. I'd much rather be spanked, but then he knows that I enjoy that. We had dinner. He sent me to go pick it up. He had me make the salad to go with dinner. I was ultimately happy to just spend time with him, although of course I was hoping that some play would be involved. Lucky for me, he decided to have me ride the "horsey" (sybian). Now, he had run out of lube, so he had to make sure I was good and wet before putting me on the horsey. He did this by dripping hot wax over my body, especially that really tender spot at the crux of where thigh, hip and crotch all meet. Then he had me turn over onto hands and knees where he spanked and flogged me, and poured more hot wax over me. It especially hurt as it pooled on my lower back, or when he got it right in the crack of my ass.

He flogged me for a while, first with the small, stingy flogger, then with the large, thuddy one. He smacked me a few times with something that really hurt, although I'm not sure what that was. You'd have thought the way he worked my ass over that I'd have some lovely bruises the next day, but I didn't have any. Odd. I got into subspace and just went off into my own little world. The pain subsided somewhat when I was in this state, but every now and then he'd strike me harder and I'd feel the pain again. He asked me if my cunt was wet, and I checked with my hands and yes, I was very wet.

He had me get on the sybian on the floor in front of the couch. As always he controlled the machine, getting me really worked up. (I'm getting so hot writing about this.) He flicked his fingers sharply at my nipples, which really hurt. He also used the crop on my breasts a bit. (The only bruise of the day was one I still have on my left breast. He generally doesn't bruise breasts, so this was unusual. But as always I love my bruises as a reminder of the fun we had.) He interrogated me a bit about things I was going to do to help get him more pussy. Of course in that state I'll agree to just about anything.

He cranked up the vibration and I got right on the edge of coming. I begged to be allowed to come and he let me. I came so hard and so loud I'm surprised the police didn't come knocking on the door. lol He told me to quiet down so I buried my face into his thigh and shut my mouth, moaning through my shut mouth. He let me lay down for a bit after this to recover. I was a very happy woman.

Surprisingly there was no fucking, or me going down on him. It's just how the evening worked out. Soon I had to head home as we both had work the next morning. I slept very well that night.

Ho Hum

2008-01-04T13:47:00.001-05:00

Alas, today hasn't turned out like I hoped it would. C'est la vie. First, D.S. was supposed to come visit me, something we were both looking forward to as we hadn't had time alone (and Davey is away this evening). Then it morphed into him meeting MasterDoc and seeing him dom me. Two days ago, I spoke to D.S. and he was sick, and as of last night he wasn't any better. I was disappointed but I hoped that at least I'd see MasterDoc today, but unfortunately, he woke up sick this morning, so the best thing was for me to spend the day by myself. It's not all bad as I've been feeling lately like I need some space. The unfortunate thing is that I was actually horny this morning so having sex would have been fun. Life doesn't always work out like we plan. Ho hum. Davey comes back tomorrow.

The Sweetheart and the Slut

2008-01-02T20:45:00.001-05:00

Davey is a wonderful guy. He's so loving and caring. Many women would be thrilled to have sex with someone who virtually worships your body and tells you how much he adores you. Unfortunately, I get off on being a dirty slut who's treated rough, so sometimes our sexuality isn't quite compatible. We're two bottoms, and neither of us is much for topping. It's a conundrum we try to work on constantly.

Last night I felt horny and wondered how I could make sex with Davey into the naughty thing I'd love it to be. I decided that having him fuck me up the ass would help fit the bill, and it did quite nicely. I felt like the bad girl I love being as he fucked me up the ass and I used my bullet vibe on my clit. I had a nice orgasm. His knee gave out before he came, so I helped him finish off with a hand job.

Spontaneous Night Out

2007-12-30T20:21:00.000-05:00

I got a pleasant surprise last night. MasterDoc was up for going out with me. He's not been himself for a couple of weeks. S. and I were getting rather worried about him. I mean, MasterDoc turning down kinky sex? Something must be wrong. But he's starting to feel better again and it's so nice to have him back. (When someone's not themselves for a while, you miss them.) So even though I had had sex twice with Davey earlier in the day, I was thrilled to go out and spend some time with MasterDoc.

We went to a swing club, which was unfortunately just about empty. And the one couple there wasn't really interested in playing with others. *sigh* He set me up in my underwear, playing with a vibrator to try to entice the couple into playing. No dice. Still, it was fun to watch the couple as they did it in every position imaginable and were quite athletic about it. At one point the guy picked her up and bounced her on his cock as he stood up.

While we couldn't entice them into playing, we're not ones to depend on others for amusement so he bent me over the leather couch and fucked me from behind. Mmmm. I was noisy as always, half hoping the other couple might become interested but basically sure they wouldn't. After a break we went to fuck in that position again, and MasterDoc realized that it wasn't a great angle for doggy style, but would be a great angle for anal sex. And so he lubed me up and took me anally right there in the club. This was only the second time we had ever had anal sex (I've done it a bit with Davey but otherwise there was only one instance of me having anal). It was really hot having him take me like that in public. I felt like such a dirty slut. I played with the vibrator on my clit and really got into it, so much so that I begged to be allowed to come, and he let me.

A couple more couples arrived around this time, and one of the couples expressed some interest in us. I wasn't into the guy but I thought the woman was cute, and she and I ended up playing on the couch. She didn't really know what she was doing but she tried. I fingered her and went down on her for a bit and she complimented my skills. Funny tidbit, when MasterDoc sucked her breasts he noticed she was lactating. No wonder her breasts felt so heavy and full. Odd and unexpected. I enjoyed going down on her even though the angle was a bit difficult. It's interesting trying to breathe through your mouth while licking pussy. lol I figured the odds were I'd end up fucking the guy so MasterDoc could get some pussy, but ultimately he didn't have me. Funny thing is I'm enough of a slut that I would have been up for it. I totally was not into the guy, but fucking someone to please MasterDoc would have been hot. He and I fucked on a the sofa again, this time with me on his lap facing him. I really need to get into shape because I tire out too easily in that position. lol Maybe I just need to do more of it.

We moved to one of the rooms with beds and MasterDoc took me over his knee for a spanking. He smacked my ass hard and fingered me in between rounds of spanks. He grabbed my hair and spanked some more. I got so hot over this. I get so hot over someone else being in control. I don't often get into that headspace known as subspace but I totally did last night. The pain from the spanking subsided a bit and became almost pleasurable. I was putty in his hands. I would have been happy for him to continue, but he hadn't brought any spanking implements and his hand was getting sore. Too bad his hand wore out before my butt did.

We wandered around a bit more and ended up watching another couple for a bit. They left the room after a short while. Seems we weren't fated to do much playing with others last night. MasterDoc fucked me again, this time on my back. I was a lucky girl to be fucked so many times in one day. It was getting late, and we were getting tired. We headed home to my place (Davey was out fucking S. so it was kinda a swap) and went to sleep after some cuddling. The next morning there was more cuddling, and MasterDoc got a hard on so there was more fucking. We popped some porn in the dvd player and he watched for a while as I went down on him. He fucked me from behind and I would rock my body, pushing back hard onto his cock. He slapped my ass a bit. We took a break and fucked some more, this time laying on our sides. He decided that he wanted to come, so he stroked himself for a while, watching the porn. When it was time for him to come he had me put my face right by his cock so he could come on my face. It shot into my ear and hair and all over the side of my face. He then had me lick as much of it off his cock as possible. (I have to really trust someone to let them get come in my mouth. Currently I only trust Davey and MasterDoc enough to do that. I know they both test clean and both consistently use condoms. I also trust that they would never knowingly put me at risk.)

My life is really funny, after MasterDoc left I ended up getting together for lunch with S. and Davey. lol We were a bit disappointed that our restaurant table wasn't as secluded as we would have liked, because the conversation inevitably leads to talk of sex, sex and more sex. I'm so glad to have a small network of slutty friends. I'm also glad that Davey could get some when I was getting some. He's a very giving sort of guy but neither of us is into cuckolding.

Meat and Potatoes

2007-12-29T20:58:00.001-05:00

Nothing much to report here. Thought I'd share some fun lyrics from Belle and Sebastian:

My baby came to me lately
'Honey, please don't take this bad, but maybe
When you laid me
Could we try to spice it up?'

I looked across the table
First to see if she was joking
No joke
There was no flicker
Just a girl who wanted more

Than meat and potatoes
She may stop at whips and chains
She needs carousal
More arousal
A bit of pain

So we started by using handcuffs
We tried a can of cold whipped cream
I was allergic to so much dairy
She had to finish it all by herself

Then I slapped her
She wasn't expecting
So she hit me back
She friggin' cracked me
I got a nose bleed
She was angry
She wanted more

Than mean and potatoes
She may stop at pumps and drains!
She needs carousal
More arousal
A bit of pain

Invite the neighbours
Or total strangers
Give yourself a leg up, honey
Wear 'The Queen' mask
Put on the French basque
It's full of handy holes
If we're going to use them all
We're going to need more than

Meat and potatoes!
She may draw the line at dolls and freaks
She needs some abusing
Some amusement
To get through the week

'I know you respect me
You won't reject me
And the arrow of our love is straight and true'

Craptacular

2007-12-27T20:34:00.001-05:00

Nothing new or kinky to post. I'm having a craptacular week. Something's wrong with my car, a supposed friend lashed out at me big time and I had to deal with my family on xmas. I'm so ready for this week to be over.

Christmas Eve

2007-12-24T19:37:00.001-05:00

I find myself in high spirits this Christmas Eve. I'm off from work tomorrow, getting presents from my family and Davey and I get to watch the Yule Log* tomorrow morning. You may wonder why an atheist is all mushy over Christmas, but hey, I wasn't always the godless heathen I am now and I enjoy the festivities and pagan symbolism (hey, my Christmas tree is a pagan symbol, not a symbol of Christianity) and hell, who doesn't like to get gifts, for whatever reason. If I could figure out how to get gifts for Hanukkah I'd celebrate that as well. (Kwanzaa might be taking it a bit too far though.)

I've spent a lot of time on collarme.com the past day or so and it's given my libido a bit of a kick start. Hey, a message board thread on face slapping (hawt!) will do that to me. I'm terribly menstrual right now so I'm not acting on this kick start much, but it's just nice to feel a bit of burning embers going on down below. (I still think the prozac has dampened my libido though.) I find myself having wild bdsm fantasies. *sighs wistfully* I'm so glad that I have a Dom finally so that these fantasies can become reality.

Last night I got some stressful family news near bedtime and I found myself wanting to masturbate for the stress relief qualities. Davey was perfectly fine with my wanting to go solo, but I commented to him while picking up my cell phone, "There's someone I have to message first." And nice-guy Davey laughed the most evil laugh over the fact that I have to ask permission to masturbate. It's funny how he's the sweetest guy you could ever hope to know but he gets wicked delight over my being Dommed. (It's a shame he's not very kinky as he'd make a good submissive himself.) Oh well, at least he enjoys it, but I suppose I sometimes wish he didn't enjoy it quite so much!

*It's a New York area thing. Davey had never heard of it before moving to this area. He pointed out that if it were something that sprung up in say, Arkansas, I'd make fun of it mercilessly, and he's right, but it was part of my childhood Christmases and so I get nostalgic for the six and a half minute loop of burning log.

Sub Mindset

2007-12-23T16:17:00.000-05:00

Since my little inappropriate outburst the other night, I've spent a lot of time thinking about the sub mindset and what it means to be a sub. I've also thought about a comment MasterDoc made that I've become too casual (don't remember the exact words he used but it was something like that). I have gotten a little too casual around him lately. Our relationship is a D/s one and I need to remember my place in that. He's a very laid-back person but I must never take advantage of his good nature.

I created a login at collarme.com today so I could go on the message boards and read advice from subs to subs. And it's helped renew my submissive mindset. It's also reassuring to know that I'm not the only person who gets off on being submissive and lesser in a relationship. *grin* I do have my moments when I realize that many wouldn't understand why I freely enter into being someone's sub. I mean, sometimes I wonder that myself, since I'm a fairly independent, feminist woman. But at the same time I can't remember a time in my life when the idea of being used sexually and submitting wasn't a huge turn on. I remember reading an article about the Patty Hearst kidnapping when I was young (pre-teen probably), and getting wildly turned on at the description of her being tied up in a closet. I've always had fantasies of being taken forcibly sexually. I kinda see my sub status as an inborn orientation, like my bisexuality.

It's interesting the dichotomies that can exist in life. I can be independent and yet submissive. I can be turned on by rape fantasies but also damaged by actual non-consensual rape. I can yearn to be submissive to someone and yet have a hard time letting go of my independence at times. There are times when I just totally get into the sub mindset and I aim to please, but there's other days when I feel rebellious and have a hard time not being selfish. At core I'm a rather spoiled, selfish girl. The dynamic I have with Davey is very different than the one I have with MasterDoc. You wouldn't think I was a submissive seeing the dynamic between me and Davey. When people find out I'm kinky, they often assume I'm a Domme, which makes me laugh because I have a really hard time playing the Domme role. But outside the bedroom I'm not particularly submissive. Occasionally I can be switch, but that's mostly with men as I don't worry so much about hurting them. (I'm deathly afraid of hurting a woman in the bad way.) I think the hardest time I have being sub is when it's in a non-sexual way, when I'm helping MasterDoc around the house. The funny thing is knowing my selfish, lazy, spoiled nature part of me thinks it's really good for me to be forced to forget about my own wishes and serve someone else's. It can carry over into my relationship with Davey, which is a positive. I'll feel like being lazy and letting Davey do the dishes since I know he'll do them if I don't, but then I'll realize that I'm being selfish, and if you love someone you should do things to serve them sometimes - even if that's not your relationship dynamic. I think I've gotten a little better about helping around the house since I've taken on being MasterDoc's sub. (There's still room for improvement.)

Despite the fact that it's sometimes hard for me to get properly in the sub mindset, I want nothing more than to continue to be MasterDoc's sub. I hate disappointing him and the very idea of him not being my Dom really bothers me. I'd be crushed. And so I want to do my best to fulfill my role in this situation. And so I work on improving.

Homemade Porn

2007-12-22T20:29:00.001-05:00

Here's something x-rated to tide you all over until I get back to being my randy self. D.S. took this photo last weekend when he visited. It's a close up of me and Davey. ;-)

Am I an exhibitionist much?

Nothing New to Report

2007-12-22T17:48:00.000-05:00

It's been a busy week, and one spent being busy doing dull things that are not blog-worthy. I got together with MasterDoc last night for the first time in a week and a half and unfortunately I was tired from a stressful week at work. We were going to go to a swing club, but because I was so worn out I had really mixed feelings about going out. I tried to get myself in the mindset to go, but while we got ready to go out I got tireder and crankier and finally I had an outburst. I complained about how tired I was and how doing little chores around his place was making me more tired and that I didn't really want to go out. Now of course, this couldn't have been more inappropriate as I was wearing my collar by that time. MasterDoc handled it calmly, but it's clear that I will be punished for it at some point. Of course then I felt even more lousy because I had been bad, and I was tired and I was cranky. Ultimately we stayed in, and despite my fatigue I had a hard time falling asleep.

I hoped that maybe this morning we'd get up to something but not only have I been minimally horny (I'm now thinking maybe the prozac I'm taking has squashed my sex drive lately), MasterDoc has also been feeling kinda blah. Even more than sex I was hoping for a good thrashing, as a beating would help me unwind from the week. Now that I have bdsm in my life on a fairly regular basis, I realize how therapeutic it actually can be. (And last night MasterDoc showed me a news story online about a Russian scientist discovering pain to be useful for combating depression and a myriad other problems. I'll have to see if he can send me the link. Granted, I'm a librarian and could search for the story...but maybe he can point me in the right direction. UPDATE: S. was kind enough to supply the link for me.) Alas, despite my going down on him for a while, MasterDoc didn't feel like doing anything - fucking or beating - and so he sent me home. I did my best to just accept this and not complain, having already been a bad sub for whining the night before (rather than expressing my feelings in a more constructive way) but I so yearned for a thrashing. Before I left MasterDoc joked, "Consider this part of your punishment." And that kinda made me feel better. I had felt bad about acting out and it may sound weird to someone who's not a sub, but I wanted to be punished somehow for my outburst. Granted, some hard smacks on my ass would have been an enjoyable punishment, but not getting what I want and crave is actually a very suitable punishment.

So, I don't have any hot stories to share this week. I'm hoping I get out of this slump sometime. I've been a little horny the past day or so, so perhaps Davey and I will get up to something tonight. The sad part is that I'd really rather a beating than sex. But then again, after a beating I'd probably want sex. But maybe I'll have to take the sex straight up. I'm not complaining, I'm never one to turn down an orgasm.

Religion, Sex and Threesomes

2007-12-16T18:17:00.001-05:00

Amazingly, sometimes sex isn't the foremost thing on my mind. Lately I've been thinking about religion, politics, tv shows, making latkes for dinner tonight, setting up the Christmas tree. I'm essentially an atheist who has some belief in supernatural phenomena. I celebrate Christmas as a cultural holiday because it's what I've always celebrated. Davey and I had latkes recently in honor of Hanukkah even though we're both atheistic former christians (because they're yummy). I'm all for honoring all cultures, as long as it's not in a beat somebody about the head and make them believe sort of way. I was bored at work the other day and I spent some time at beliefnet.com trying to find out what exactly my belief system would be called. Apparently they peg me as a Unitarian, but of course everyone who has wacky beliefs that don't fit any other system would be welcomed at the Unitarian congregation. I think secular humanism is a pretty good description, although I do believe that there's a spiritual side of life, an unseen. I just don't believe in one all-powerful being running the show.

Of course none of this is going to be as interesting to you as the fact that last night I had a threesome with Davey and D.S. But although I seem like I'm always wet and ready, sometimes I'm just not into the sex. I mean, I had a good time but I was frustrated with myself - I wasn't feeling particularly horny. I don't know why I didn't feel horny, here I had two hot guys who I absolutely adore and feel very comfortable with all eager to have a threesome with me, and I was just like "meh." Trust me, this does not reflect on the attractiveness of the two men. I should have been revved up. But I suppose even major sluts need a break sometimes. Besides, the anger over the assault has resurfaced for me lately. That might have been part of my problem.

Still, it was hot and I did manage to come once or twice, and it felt really good to have D.S.'s tongue on my clit while his fingers massaged my g-spot from inside. It felt good to have Davey fuck me from behind while I went down on D.S. And in the end, everybody got off. I'm just disappointed that I wasn't the sex goddess I like to make myself out to be. I suppose I'm only human.

Slut

2007-12-12T12:24:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I got a call from the guy from Saturday night. He seems quite interested in coming back for more. I've told him that he has to get MasterDoc's permission of course, as I don't fuck anyone new without MasterDoc's permission (unless of course it was going to be a swap with me and him and Davey and a lady friend of his, that's my one loophole - my sex life as it relates to Davey is unregulated. I'm also allowed to have sex with D.S. For everything else, MasterDoc has control.) Last night MasterDoc called him but he only got voicemail.

I spent some time with MasterDoc yesterday, and while watching a movie he was suddenly inspired to go down on me. Mmmm. I couldn't focus on the movie at that point. He got his fingers inside me as well and he could have easily made me come if he wanted to, but of course he was just having some fun with me.

Later he gave me a good spanking with my crop/slapper. It's shaped like a riding crop but the end is wider and has two overlapping ends like a slapper. (Not to be confused with the British term slapper, of which I suppose I am one.) My pain tolerance is still up so the beating felt good and only really hurt now and then. My thighs are more sensitive than my butt, so slaps to either the backs or insides of my thighs tend to hurt quite a bit. He blindfolded me and spent a while hitting me, getting my butt all red, flogging me a little bit. He started hitting me quite hard at one point, and I'd flinch and pull away. He scolded me for moving and told me to keep still. I had to really work to keep my ass in place and just take the harsh blows. He'd slap my pussy at times as well, which made me want to flinch too. I really do get off on trying to take everything he dishes out. I realize my sexuality is definitely outside the mainstream, but I get off on submitting and being hurt. I don't understand why I get off on it, but I know that it's always been a turn on for me.

MasterDoc had me suck his cock for a while and I got it all wet and slippery. In the end, I didn't have an orgasm or get fucked last night. But as a good sub I didn't complain. I was actually more in the mood to be beaten so it worked out well after all.

This morning, MasterDoc got a morning hard on. He had me suck his cock for a while, getting it really hard and then he had me put a condom on, slap lube on myself and get on top (that's right, no foreplay for me, although going down on him got me hot). I was very happy to get fucked. He joked about being lazy, having me do all the work but then said, "As long as you get my cock in you you really don't care, do you?" And of course it's true. I had one of those moments when I realized just how much of a slut I am. But you know, I don't think of it as a bad thing. Yes I'm extremely easy, but I do it, mainly, because it gives me pleasure. While I enjoy being used by MasterDoc it's something that I do out of choice, out of a desire to enjoy my life to the fullest, not out of something lacking. I'm a feminist at heart and my pleasure is the key, although sometimes my pleasure is to give others pleasure and be used sexually. I'm easy because I enjoy being easy. People like to paint sluts as being low in self-esteem, but when my self-esteem is low, I just withdraw from the world. I don't go around fucking. When my self-esteem is high I'm the biggest slut on the planet.

We fucked for a while this morning and it felt wonderful, but again I didn't get to come. I had to get ready for work so we didn't have a lot of time. As usual, I'm annoyed that work has to get in the way of my sex life. lol But I can't be a slut ALL of the time.

Riding Crop

2007-12-11T14:16:00.000-05:00

I got to spend some time with MasterDoc yesterday. My pain tolerance seems to be up and I've noticed over the past couple of months it seems to go up right before my period. Interesting. We started off with some cuddling, as we were both in the mood for it and MasterDoc wasn't feeling particularly horny. But after a bit he had me suck his cock. I must've done a good job as he got hard and decided to fuck me.

He had me put the blindfold on and the left the room for a few minutes. When he came back he slapped my breasts with the riding crop then had me get on my hands and knees. He spent some time spanking my ass. Now when my pain tolerance is up, being beaten is relaxing. It doesn't really hurt until he's given me some hard whacks (which he of course did). He then fucked me from behind, slapping my ass from time to time. He took a phone call while fucking me and I just quieted down my screams to moans.

He took a break and handed me a vibrator. I played with the vibe on my clit, getting hornier but not quite to the brink of orgasm. He used the hitachi magic wand for a little bit, which only got me worked up more. He decided to fuck me some more and really gave it to me hard. I finally felt like I could come so I asked permission and this time he granted it right away. I came, and of course my vaginal muscles did their "eject button" contracting and pushed his penis out. He then took over fingering me and I screamed and shuddered in orgasm. I was a very happy girl between the fun I had on Saturday night and the fun I had yesterday with MasterDoc.

He had me lay on my back and he slapped my thighs and pussy with the riding crop for a bit. It seemed like I was going to have some nice welts there but surprisingly I'm not really marked today.

You may have noticed a name change to this blog. I've decided not to call it "Don't Start Me Talking" any more and instead call if "Diary of a Kinky Librarian."

Party

2007-12-09T18:56:00.000-05:00

I somehow managed to get past my depressed mood yesterday. By the time we got to the party I was in the mood to have fun. Right before we went out we found a show on the history of sex on the history channel and in a strange way that got me in the mood. It didn't get me horny, but it got me into one of my pro-sex moods and exercising my right to be a randy slut seemed like a really good idea at the time. Also, you have to remember that since I was going with Davey, I was free to do what I wished, without consulting MasterDoc first. I was determined to enjoy my freedom for the evening. I wanted to fuck a bunch of people.

Of course, things don't always work out quite how we want them to, but I had a good time regardless. The early part of the evening at these sorts of parties consists of people chit chatting, getting to know each other or saying hello to people they know from other parties. Davey and I both tend towards being shy and not overly social, so we had to really push ourselves to talk to people. Luckily, with my determination to get laid by strangers, I was able to go up to people we were interested in and just plain ol' introduce myself and Davey. I was determined to have a good time and I wasn't going to let shyness stop me.

It's interesting how different I am going to a party with Davey or by myself than I am when going as MasterDoc's sub. In sub mode, I'm really obedient, don't take initiative and have to be told what to do. But when I'm not in sub mode at one of these parties I can take initiative and get things moving. I was starting to get fed up with not much going on, so I took Davey to a mattress right by the socializing area (separated by only a thin mesh curtain), took off most of my clothes except for my red lace thong and got Davey to start playing with me. I took care to look directly at anyone who peeked in as he went down on me and fingered me but unfortunately no one seemed interested in joining us. I went down on Davey for a while, telling him to be sure to make eye contact with any interested parties. Alas, still no takers. *sigh* I got fed up after a while, put my bra back on and walked around in my underwear for a bit.

For the most part, people didn't seem interested in playing with us. I was starting to feel rather unattractive. There was one couple with this really cute guy who I found out was originally from Germany who I totally wanted to do, but the woman didn't seem ultimately interested in us. Bleah. The guy looked interested whenever I smiled at him and said hello. That never panned out, sadly. It was getting late, we were getting a little frustrated and I was starting to get annoyed that we might just go home without having played with anyone. Oh no, I was not going to have that, especially not for the money we paid. Again, I took Davey into a room with a mattress, this one was not separated by any curtain but in full view of the doorway, and I sat us down on the mattress right in front of the door and started getting Davey to play with me some more. There was a couple who came in and the woman started going down on her man, and I think he was interested in me but they made no move to join us (and I was lukewarm about him so I didn't take initiative). But then a guy who seemed nice from earlier came in, made an appreciative comment and I said, "Why don't you join us?" He needed no more urging before he was between my legs going down on me. His lady came in a few minutes later and chided him for being a busy bee, always up to something. It was clear that they enjoy each other's sluttiness. Davey kissed me a bit, and while the woman stood nearby I leaned in to whisper in his ear, "Get her involved." It was clear she would be happy to join us. Soon the four of us are fooling around on the bed. The guy was good at making conversation while also getting me really hot. His lady begged him to fuck her, so he did so while she went down on Davey, but he managed to lean over and finger me at the same time. I came and squirted, which I think only encouraged him more. Soon we broke of into twos, Davey having fun with the lady, and me and the guy fucking. He was a really good lay and I came a bunch of times.

All was hot and lovely until there was suddenly a scream from the next room. Everything ground to a halt and some of the people in the room went to see what was going on. Turns out someone was trying to do something he had no permission to do and the lady out there was not pleased. Someone came back in, we got the scoop that the asshole in question was now being made to leave and I relaxed. I got into playing with the woman's clit while her man fingered her and the three of us made out a bit. I was up for more playing, but when I looked over at Davey I could tell something was wrong. He had been freaked out by the incident in the other room and wanted to go home. Of course, if one person is upset and wants to go home the thing to do is go home. I didn't want Davey to feel uncomfortable. He's an extremely empathetic person so something bad happening to someone can really bother him. You'd have thought the incident would upset me but I felt like it happened in the best way a bad situation like that could happen, the woman was really vocal about her wishes, everyone went running to help and the guy who didn't understand "no" was ejected.

Of course, after leaving and getting away from the situation, Davey was feeling really horny and I was still up for fucking. When we got home I got a quick snack (hey, all that activity got me hungry) and then we went off to the bedroom. I got him to immediately take me from behind and when we got tired of that position he got on top. I came some more and then we cuddled and went to sleep.

Digression

2007-12-08T17:53:00.000-05:00

Alas this has been a quiet week, and I have no new adventures to relate to you. That should change tonight as I'm going to a swing party with Davey. I've been nursing a mild depression all week and today that leaves me feeling un-horny and un-enthusiastic about tonight and all the fucking that should go on. Bleah. I wish I felt better.

On another note, does this scare the shit out of you like it does me? If something like this passes, are all voices of dissent going to be silenced in this country? I guess they figure since they're putting "violence" into it they can get around the first amendment which reads: "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances." But can't you just see them jailing protesters who peacefully assemble under this idea that they're "homegrown terrorists?" As it is people who dissent have been labeled traitors and "unpatriotic," when in fact dissenting when your country is doing something wrong denotes, to me, an intense love of your country. If I didn't love being American and all the freedoms that go along with that, I wouldn't be as dismayed at the direction this country is heading in. Our rights are being slowly taken away, and that scares the shit out of me. Do I need to worry that some day I may be jailed for even posting this on the internet? It's high time we got back to the Constitution and the Bill of Rights and started running this country the way the founding fathers wanted it to be run.

Fantastic Fucking

2007-12-01T16:56:00.000-05:00

I've fallen a little behind in my blogging. I got together with MasterDoc last night (while Davey went off to spend the night with a woman who MasterDoc also dates, we live such a funny life don't we?) and still haven't blogged about the time I spent with him the other day. I've been having a fun time but in between I've been busy with things like doing laundry and going to work, so I haven't gotten around to blogging. I know it sometimes must seem like all I do is have kinky sex, but I get up to normal things too.

But of course, the point of this blog is to chronicle the kinky sex I have, not the day to day things that everyone does. I got a little extra time with MasterDoc midweek and had a really good time getting worked up with the magic wand, followed by him fucking me for a little while, and then he put me on the sybian. We tried out the largest attachment for the first time, but unfortunately it's a little too big for me (ouch, left me a little sore). After moving back to the medium sized attachment MasterDoc played with the controls, getting me right on the edge of coming. I mean, right on the edge. I was so on the edge that when he suddenly turned the vibration down a bit to keep me from coming I squirted a little without actually coming, something that's never happened to me before. Thankfully, he let me come and, as always on the sybian, I came, shuddering and screaming. He then had me get on top of him and ride him for a while, which felt fantastic. (Sadly, strongly vibrating toys like the sybian and the magic wand tend to numb things a little so that regular sex isn't quite as stimulating as it usually is, so I wasn't able to come again from the sex. But no matter, it felt really good. I seem to be enjoying non-orgasmic sex more than I used to. I used to be so goal oriented but I really enjoy being fucked and how that feels even if I don't come. Of course, I'd still rather come.)

Unfortunately this week has been busy in the evenings so I haven't gotten to have Davey since last weekend. (!) I plan to change that tonight, especially since MasterDoc fucked me a bunch of times last night and this afternoon and didn't let me come. Not once. Davey is going to get raped when he gets home. *grin*

Last night MasterDoc and I went to the swing club again, me in a collar reminding me of my submissive status. I actually had a little alcohol for once - I rarely drink in swing situations - but I got a nice little alcohol buzz going. Not much was going on when we first got there, but after we got settled MasterDoc spanked me in front of an audience over on the spanking bench. We drew quite a crowd. He had me lay on my back on the bench and he slapped at my thighs and pussy. While I close my eyes fairly often during sex, I do like knowing that there's a crowd around me. He had this guy get in to play with my breasts while he did other things to me. I quite liked all the compliments that passed between them about my breasts. I may be chubby and average but I have nice tits. *grin* After teasing and spanking me in front of the crowd he had me suck his cock in front of the audience. Then we took a little break. As usual, I was the first person naked.

We wandered the club, me in just panties and a collar and leash (oh and my rather unsexy socks and shoes. lol) There was more action going on and we watched a few things. When MasterDoc was ready to play again we sought out the most visible play space to be in. Again, a crowd assembled and I played with my bullet vibe in front of an audience. At a couple of points last night, guys were too aggressive and they groped me without asking, but MasterDoc immediately nips that in the bud and sends the guys away. The guys who get to play with us are the ones who are polite and stand by until they're invited in. (Something to remember if you ever go to a swing party.) At one point, a cute woman made her way in and started playing with my breasts while MasterDoc had clothespins on my nipples. Stupid me, I ended up laying there, enjoying being touched but never thinking to reach out and touch her. Soon her man came around and got her and that was the end of that. My ineptitude with that situation is what resulted in my being denied orgasm. MasterDoc fucked me in front of the crowd, both from behind and on top. I loved having an appreciative crowd around. I also loved being able to make as much noise as I wanted. (I'm notoriously noisy.) It felt fantastic to be fucked, and I think it was even more so because of the audience.

We headed home in the wee hours of the morning, while there were still men at the club keen to play with us. I slept very well last night.

This morning we had breakfast, and then MasterDoc decided what the day's activities would be - he was going to fuck me up the ass. Now, I've only ever been fucked anally by two guys. MasterDoc's cock is larger than average. Needless to say, I was very nervous. I was allowed to play with my bullet vibe on my clit, and despite the nervousness I got extremely wet and turned on. It took a little while to figure out what position was the best, but ultimately he got his cock in me while I lay on my side. And it was surprisingly easy to take his cock up my ass. (MasterDoc is good about lube and patience.) And after getting over the initial shock of it actually being able to go in it felt good. (The vibe on my clit helped.) We did that in a couple of positions, and then finally MasterDoc decided to fuck my cunt. It felt sooo good and I wanted to come so badly. He finally gave me permission to come - and I didn't! *sigh* I was on the edge, then pulled back, and then when he said to come I wasn't at the point where I could come and I missed the window of opportunity. *grumble* I was left feeling really frustrated. I got a few slaps on the ass for grumbling about it. We enjoyed some cuddle time, then MasterDoc decided he needed to get a few things done and I opted to go home. So here I am, desperately waiting for Davey to come home so I can ravage him.

Yuk

2007-11-27T12:05:00.000-05:00

So I've talked with MasterDoc and he says that complaining here is very different than complaining in person while in submissive mode, and he promises that I can blog about the following without being penalized. Whew.

I've found something dirty/nasty/kinky that I don't enjoy. (I know, I'm surprised too.) I don't enjoy licking ass. The other day was just preliminary for having me lick MasterDoc's asshole and yesterday he set me up thus: TENS leads on one nipple, me on the sybian on the floor. If I hesitated or did a poor job, then the TENS would get turned up. If I did a good job, then the sybian would get turned up. He got on the bed in front of me and placed his ass right in front of my face. While there wasn't a strong taste or smell to it, and he had cleaned well right beforehand, I still didn't like licking ass. In fact, it's a bona fide turn off for me - I could barely notice the sybian while I was doing it. He made me really get in there and lick it properly for a few minutes, pulling his cheeks apart to get in as close as possible. I did my best job because I didn't want the pain of the TENS unit on my nipple. But as I said, the result for me was mostly being turned off. My reaction can best be summed up by the familiar "Mr. Yuk" face used for poison control. My mouth felt dirty for hours afterward.

I realize that there are people who enjoy licking ass. And I realize that it must feel very good (I wouldn't know). But I don't enjoy doing it. And I doubt that's going to change no matter how many times he makes me do it. Lucky me.

Luckily, because I was a good girl, afterward he gave me a ride on the sybian and let me come, hard. But then he had me lick ass some more, this time making a seal with my mouth and sucking while licking. And the Mr. Yuk face applies again. I think the problem is mostly psychological, but I just can't get my head around licking someone's asshole being a good, enjoyable thing. I mean, shit comes out that hole. Being a sub sometimes includes degradation and humiliation and this experience definitely fits the bill. File this under things I don't enjoy about being a sub.

No Blog Entry

2007-11-26T21:13:00.001-05:00

I had a blog entry all written out for today, but then I decided not to post it. You see, if I complain about something then MasterDoc will only make me do it more. So I'm not going to complain. It's a pity though because I even had a cute graphic to go with it. MasterDoc has even expressed concern that I don't feel comfortable being critical on this blog, but of course I don't, because if I complain he'll only make me do something I don't like even more. So why would I complain about it here?

Random Sunday Evening Thoughts

2007-11-25T18:22:00.001-05:00

Davey's home. Hooray! Although I had to tear him away from watching episode after episode of Rome on dvd. (He borrowed it from the library.) I had been feeling crampy and cranky earlier so he figured we wouldn't be having sex, but I got bored and decided that sex was just the thing to alleviate my boredom. I told him that he could either keep watching the show while I went and took a shower, or he could come have sex with me and come on me before my shower. Needless to say, he chose the latter. Being direct pays off.

While we were fooling around I asked him to put a third finger in me and he said, "I know you can take it. You can take a whole fist." Huh? I've never been fisted. "Yes you have, by K. at that roof top sex party." OMG. I've been fisted and I didn't know it. Granted, K. is a woman and her hands are relatively small, and I do remember coming very hard and very loud as she fingered me that night. Or at least, I thought she was fingering me. But Davey saw the whole thing and he says her entire hand was inside me. Go fig. I've been fisted and I didn't even know it! I only wish I had known.

Even after Davey came all over me I was still feeling horny so I had him get my favorite g-spot hitting silicone dildo and my bullet vibe. As much as I like the magic wand, the bullet vibe is still a favorite. Sometimes the wand is just too intense. So between Davey fucking me with the dildo and me using the vibe on my clit I came so hard. I mean, I was just in another world. And I floated from one orgasm to the next for a couple of minutes. I'm a happy girl.

Hot!

2007-11-24T17:50:00.001-05:00

A friend who reads this blog sent me this link to a short video clip. It's very short, but very hot and includes the sybian.

Bad Girls

2007-11-23T22:16:00.001-05:00

I miss Davey. Home seems so lonely without him here. I spent much of the day watching a Bad Girls marathon. I'm so hooked on that show. It's a British women in prison drama so it has a few of my favorite things: Brits, cute women and women kissing.

There's a lot of kinky possibilities in the prison scenario. Lots of D/s possibilities. I like the image of being handcuffed, forced to strip and then roughly and thoroughly searched. My fantasy doesn't go much beyond that, but there's the whole being dominated, humiliated and handled rough packed into one fantasy.

Firsts

2007-11-23T17:47:00.001-05:00

Today was the first day I called up MasterDoc to ask permission to masturbate. I felt kinda funny bothering him but I was really horny and as I'm spending the day alone I couldn't think about anything else. He text messaged back that I had permission. Yay! I immediately went to the bedroom, got out my magic wand and popped some porn in the dvd player. Soon I was coming and even squirting a little. I felt much better after that although I still felt horny.

The other day I forgot to mention something I did for the first time - licked ass. MasterDoc had been threatening to have me do it for a long time, and he finally had me do it. It wasn't too bad to lick around the general area, as I did out of an aversion to licking the hole directly, but he specifically ordered me to get my tongue in there. It wasn't as unpleasant as I thought it would be, but it's not something that turns me on at all. Of course, MasterDoc doesn't care if it turns me on or not, as that's not the point. I can imagine that it feels good but no one's ever done that to me. (Yes, there's actually something I've never experienced.) I'll have to imagine it feeling good when I'm asked to be a submissive slut and do it.

Chosen Family

2007-11-23T16:23:00.001-05:00

After a boring Thanksgiving, spent feeling like I couldn't be myself, I had a chat online with D.S. We discussed the fact that spending time with our "chosen family" is so different and so preferable to spending time with our biological families. We lamented how we can't be open about our various partners and so part of our lives, an important part of our lives, remains totally hidden from those who are supposed to love us as we are, our family. Spending time with my mother and brother just reminds me of the fact that they're terribly dysfunctional and that, lamentably, I will probably never have a warm, close, loving relationship with them. Instead we get together over holidays out of a sense of obligation. Things with my dad are better, but still, I could see the unease in his eyes when I dropped the phrase "Davey and I have an open relationship" into the conversation. I think rather than images of loving, polyamorous relationships he had an image of swingers. And yes, that's not a totally inaccurate picture of my life (and what dad wants to hear about that?) but MasterDoc and D.S. are wonderful people and very much a part of my life - more a part of my life than my immediate family is these days. They're not casual fucks, they're close friends and important to me.

Why should I have to pretend that Davey is the only important person in my life? I can see that Christmas will be more of the same, putting on a show for family, wishing I was instead spending time with those who I really want to spend time with. I now understand why the holidays are such a stressful time for most people.

Flogging and Fucking

2007-11-21T20:00:00.001-05:00

Davey's away for a few days so I'm spending a little time at MasterDoc's house. It's nice to get extra time with him even if things have been, for the most part, mellow. (It's also nice not to be home alone.) For Thanksgiving I'll be doing the family thing. (Oh joy.)

Now even though things have been mellow the past day and a half, that doesn't mean that things haven't been interesting. Yesterday afternoon, he spent a while flogging me - on my inner thighs, my butt and even my upper back. My pain tolerance was reasonably good. He tried out some oxygen tubing and this evil-looking strap he has (not quite as horrible as I envisioned, but then he didn't hit me that hard or long with it and it stung like the dickens anyway). The strap had been missing for a while because one of his other subs hid it on him. That definitely made me fear the strap. The oxygen tubing stung quite a bit as well. Despite all the flogging and a few swats of the other implements, I'm not terribly bruised today. Some bruising on my inner thighs and just a little one on my butt, and a slight one on one breast. I'm glad when my pain tolerance is up because then I can actually enjoy the beating. When it's low things just plain hurt, but when it's up I get into the rhythm of the swats and it's actually somewhat relaxing. He used the little flogger he has, which is a fairly sting-y instrument. The large heavy flogger is more thuddy but he left that at another sub's house.

I was blindfolded for most of this, and he surprised me with some hot wax on my inner thighs, chest, nipples, etc. Once he had me on my hands and knees he dribbled some hot wax on my back and butt as well. I think this was the first time he focused on my upper back at all. I've always been focused on my butt when it comes to impact play but I enjoyed the upper back as well. The wax stung, particularly on my inner thighs where it was already sensitive from being flogged.

After a couple more shots with the strap he gagged me (with my favorite, duct tape) and flogged me some more. (Being a good dom he didn't want to gag me while playing with new implements.) He fucked me from behind and I moaned and moaned through the gag. (I love when he fucks me. Yes, I'm a dirty slut, and proud of it!) After fucking, he commanded me to suck his cock so I ripped off the gag and got to work. He fucked me again after that, and he let me come. I mainly came when he used his fingers after fucking me. Surprisingly, I didn't squirt.

I got to spend the night as his place and I spent the day here. Mostly I've been amusing myself while he gets stuff done, but in the afternoon he decided to fuck me, but for a change, he told me that I was to fuck him rather aggressively. Now I'm pretty passive in the bedroom and it's part of why I'm into the role of submissive. I love being told what to do and not having to think, just being used sexually. So it took a bit for me to be aggressive in turning him on as he laid back and relaxed. One thing I'm not passive with is blow jobs. I get into those. *grin* I had to hope that turning him on was enough to get me turned on because I wasn't getting any foreplay. We fucked, with me on top, and I rode him as best I could. Next, he fucked me while on top and finally he fucked me from behind. I didn't get to come, and afterward he said that was by design. Still, it felt so good to be fucked. I should be nice and relaxed when I have to deal with my family tomorrow.

Gang Bang

2007-11-19T11:31:00.000-05:00

So this weekend was the gang bang. I'm sure readers are waiting to hear the steamy details. But first I want to thank Davey for a lovely weekend - we went out to dinner at a pricey restaurant (where the food is fantastic), he organized the gang bang (with the kind assistance of MasterDoc) and then treated me to Sunday brunch (and filled my car with gas and paid for a car wash). I'm very lucky to have him. Oh and he got me a hitachi magic wand for my birthday. Whoo hoo! I want to thank MasterDoc for helping so much with organizing the gang bang, finding a place where we could have it (at the home of one of his girlfriends/subs) and getting things moving during the gang bang, and the orgasms, can't forget the orgasms.

S. is the only girlfriend of MasterDoc's that I hadn't met and she kindly agreed to host the party at her place. I'm so glad to have met her now as I feel like I've met a kindred spirit. We had the best time talking for a long while after the guests had left. Davey could barely get a word in edgewise. One of the perks of being poly is meeting other people you click with, who you wouldn't have met otherwise.

Davey and I arrived at the same time as Saajan. MasterDoc was already there. The group of us (including S.) talked and those who hadn't met before got acquainted. MasterDoc took out my new magic wand and plugged it in, teasing me through my jeans. Eventually we all moved into the bedroom and I got naked. (Davey went and invited S. to come watch shortly after we got started in the bedroom. I'm glad she wasn't left out, and goodness knows I don't mind an audience.) MasterDoc had to keep reminding himself that he wasn't in dom mode, but his dom-ness came in handy to get things moving. I hadn't seen Saajan in a few months and it was good to spend naked time with him again. Between the magic wand and the three lovely penises I had plenty to keep me busy and I squirted a bit when I came.

N. showed up once everything had gotten started and he jumped in pretty quickly. (I really missed D.S.'s presence. I would have loved to have him there instead of N.) And so I had four guys taking turns fucking me, with the magic wand filling in in between. S. lent us her g-spot attachment for the magic wand and I was happy to test-drive it. (I want one for Christmas now.) The gang bang might have been a little bit better without the magic wand, however, as it provides so much stimulation that it's a noticeable difference when you switch to real, live, non-vibrating penis.

All the fucking kinda blurs together and I couldn't tell you who went when other than the fact that MasterDoc got everything started. I was on my knees, head down on the bed moaning. I was on my back, legs up in the air, a penis in each hand as someone else fucked me. It was a lot of fun and luckily everyone involved is comfortable with laughter during sex. There were a lot of jokes cracked but the down side to that was the way my vaginal muscles would push whoever out when I laughed.

Soon Saajan had to head to work, MasterDoc had a date with yet another girlfriend, and N. gave me a birthday present before bidding us farewell. As I said before, Davey and I ended up hanging out much longer with S., nibbling on the snacks we brought and just talking about anything and everything. It was a fun day, and yes indeed, I realize that I could take more than four guys at a time in the future. *grin*

Triggers

2007-11-17T11:21:00.000-05:00

While most days I’m a happy-go-lucky slut, there are still times when memories/feelings of the assault and the rape come up unexpectedly. It’s sometimes quite unexpected what will trigger these feelings. I’ve had feelings come up when seeing something named Jefferson (and there’s a hell of a lot of stuff in this country named after Thomas Jefferson), I’ve had feelings come up earlier this year fooling around with Davey and having a hard time reaching orgasm (and feeling like I’m an irreparably broken human being from the assault. I’ve ended up in tears over this a few times in the past couple of years.) This week, I had an instance when it felt like someone wasn’t listening to me, and it flooded back feelings of not being listened to when I was raped and when I was assaulted. Now, the reaction I had (panic, feeling unsafe) had very little, if anything, to do with the person who happened to be involved with the trigger. I trust the person involved with the trigger. Just as I trust Davey but still triggers have come up with him.

Unfortunately the person involved with this instance of triggering took things personally and was rather hurt that I seemed to not trust him. I instantly felt terrible for hurting his feelings and spent quite a bit of time crying that night. But the fact is, I can’t control these trigger reactions any more than a soldier coming home from war can control feeling panicked at loud noises. The people who happen to be around when I’m triggered don’t generally have anything at all to do with how I end up feeling. Little stupid things can make me feel triggered. I recognize this as simply post traumatic stress and figure I’ll have to deal with it off and on throughout my life. This is why rape and sexual assault are so damaging – they change a person forever. I can never go back to having the level of trust in humanity I had before those two events in my life. And this affects everyone in my life in some small way, whether they know it or not. It’s not fair. It’s not fair to me, it’s not fair to the wonderful men who are in my life who wouldn’t ever hurt me or ignore my lack of consent. But this shit is abundant in our society and it pisses me off. We have legions of damaged women (and sometimes even men) who must try to dodge triggers right and left and get through their lives with some semblance of normalcy.

Thankfully, I spend most of my time not feeling triggered. It happens less and less as time goes on, and I’m better at identifying what’s going on and dealing with it than I was when the post traumatic stress first came on. (Right after the assault I couldn’t be out alone at night without feeling like something terrible was going to happen to me. And I wasn’t in a situation where I was out alone at night when the assault happened. I just felt unsafe all over.) I’d love to think that some day triggers won’t happen to me, but then I’m not naïve enough to think that’s the case.

Oh well, right now I’m post-trigger and I’m determined to have a wonderful time at my birthday gang bang this afternoon. Despite what’s happened to me I’m still a free-spirited sexual babe and I’m not going to let anything stop me from that (for long). Viva pleasure!

Randomness

2007-11-14T13:21:00.000-05:00

I'm gearing up for the gang bang on Saturday. Whoo hoo! My thigh and butt muscles (not to mention my coochie) are still sore from riding the sybian. I think in the future I shouldn't ride it for quite so long! (I also really need to get in shape.)

The Irish guy keeps emailing and IMing me wanting to get together. Today I responded that I'm just too busy and I can't sleep with anyone without my dom's permission. He replied that he'd like to take me to lunch for my birthday. Argh! The down side to being a sex goddess is that sometimes people you wish wouldn't come back for more keep coming back for more.

Lately I've been thinking that I should start a fem domme blog - not because I have any inclination towards it, but then I could get sub men to buy me things. I could post a wish list and get sent stuff by adoring sub men. Sounds like a good deal to me. As a sub there's no point in me posting a wish list because people don't clamor to buy anonymous subs things. Anyway, I like to write and having a fem domme blog would be a creative writing exercise. Hmmm... Nah, I don't have the time for it and I'm not sure I could be convincing enough.

MasterDoc was a bit miffed at me for not giving him credit when I said that my life is like a porn movie in my last entry. And yes, I have to admit that most of my "porno moments" in recent months have been thanks to him. I do appreciate the fun he gets me into. *grin* And his life is even more like a porn movie than mine is. Although I have to give credit to Davey and D.S. for the hot threesome we had. Mmmmm. I'm a very lucky girl.

D.S. can't make it to my gang bang. *pout* Poor boy had no choice but to cancel and he was very disappointed to do so. He'll be missed. I haven't seen him in about a month now. I broke down and invited N. to the gang bang as of yesterday to keep the numbers up. (I had said to myself early on that if two people couldn't make it to the party I'd invite N. - and now two of the original invitees are not coming.) He jumped at the opportunity. I figured he would.

Surprise

2007-11-12T22:19:00.000-05:00

Sunday afternoon I got pretty horny and considered calling MasterDoc for permission to masturbate. But then I decided to wait and just ravage Davey when he got home. (Davey had suggested sex the night before but I wasn't feeling well, since I was feeling better and in the mood I figured it was time to give him what I hadn't the night before.) We had dinner, and then I mentioned that I had been really horny that day and that I hadn't sought permission to masturbate. Soon we were in the bedroom, me stripped down to my panties, him to his boxers. I got him to lay down on the bed and I straddled him. I rubbed myself up against his hard penis. I don't know if I've said this on the blog before, but Davey has major submissive tendencies. One giant clue is that he loves being used sexually. He loves when I get on his cock and ride him, with only my pleasure in mind. I decided to do just that. I got my bullet vibe to add to the sensation and I rode his cock until I came. Then he fucked me harder and decided to change positions so that he could come. He got on top of me this time, and fucked me until we were both breathing heavy and moaning.

On Monday, I saw MasterDoc as usual and this time he had a surprise for me. He's purchased a sybian. I have long wanted to know what riding one was like and now I know. Lucky me! He had a guest join us, a woman who's a submissive who I've met before. (One of our other threesome women was supposed to meet us for the first time but she canceled.) He had both of us get naked and had me lay down on the mat on the floor and prepare myself to ride the sybian. I was horny already so it didn't take me long to get myself wet by playing with my clit. He had the other woman go down on him while I played with myself. I enjoyed watching his face as he enjoyed getting head.

Next, he had the woman join him on the floor to pay attention to my top half (she's not bi so she wasn't particularly interested in playing with me). As MasterDoc sucked on my nipple, occasionally slapping my pussy, I got more aroused. To speed things along even more he went down on me (which felt really good. I'm wiggling in my seat right now thinking about it.) He had the other woman go down on him some more while he went down on me for a bit.

I tell you, my life is like a porn movie.

When I was sufficiently wet (I didn't even need lube) I got to mount the sybian. We started off with the nubby attachment and I got myself comfortably situated on top. MasterDoc took the controls (of course) and he played with the speed of the vibration. I was soon moaning, slack-jawed, eager to come. As he'd play with the speed on the higher settings I'd beg to be allowed to come. He asked if I wanted to try out one of the penetrative attachments first before coming and I'd say yes, but then he'd turn up the speed and ask if I wanted to come and of course I said yes to that as well. At that point I'd say yes to just about anything that would allow me to come. I can't remember if he had me come first with the nubby attachment or it we switched attachments first. I do remember being allowed to come and coming so incredibly hard. I could barely hold myself upright as I came. (My thigh muscles are fatigued today. I was surprised I was able to walk after riding the sybian. It's a little workout. I find myself using leg muscles I don't ordinarily use - kinda like when I use a strap on only more so.)

At some point we switched to the smallest penetrative attachment. As I got worked up all over again, MasterDoc got my crop and started spanking my ass. It stung quite a bit yesterday and I wasn't as up to taking pain as I am some days, but then he'd turn the vibrations up and told me to come and I managed to orgasm hard while he stung my ass with the crop. It was an interesting combination of being in pain and ecstasy at the same time.

I got to get off the sybian at this point and I lay down on the ground, sweaty and exhausted. I caught my breath and joined MasterDoc who was cuddling with the other woman on the floor. She started licking his chest and he told me to do the same, so we both gently lapped at his chest with our tongues. He had me stroke his cock and she played with his balls. Next, he had me go down on him, while the other woman continued to gently lick his chest and nipple. He had me show her where to stroke him where hip meets thigh. And soon we were taking turns sucking his cock and licking that sweet spot alternately. Apparently she's quite good at sucking cock, which just makes me want to try harder and do better.

We took a break and MasterDoc decided that perhaps he should beat the other woman as that was mainly what she was interesting in him doing to her. I took a break and had some water while sitting in an armchair watching. He took my crop and spanked her ass and thighs, and at a point where I'd be saying, "Ow!" rather loudly she was smiling and enjoying the pain. (Yet more proof that indeed, I'm not a pain slut.) He hit her pretty hard with the crop and she continued enjoying it immensely. I just kept thinking that I'm glad he wasn't hitting me that hard. She could have taken it even harder, but MasterDoc isn't a hardcore sadist. (Lucky for me! That's one of the many reasons he's such a good Dom for me.) It was getting dark, and he sent her home as she needed to drive home before it got dark.

I was pleased to get some time alone with MasterDoc and he opted to have me try out the larger penetrative attachment on the sybian. I used some lube this time and MasterDoc sat directly in front of me on the stool that comes with the sybian. He played with the controls and got me really worked up. We had gotten the duct tape out to fix one of the attachments that had started to tear already and the duct tape came in handy to gag me. I love being gagged with a strip of duct tape across my mouth. He kept getting me to the brink of orgasm and I was helpless to beg to be allowed to come. I wanted to come so badly! I leaned up close against his chest, breathing in the smell of him. He put his arms around me and held me close. I whimpered and moaned through the gag. Finally, after much teasing he told me to come and I came fantastically hard, leaning against him, virtually screaming through the gag. It felt extra wonderful to be held close while I came.

Again, I was sweaty and exhausted and lay on the floor catching my breath. I was instructed to wash everything once I was ready to get up and after a few moments on the floor I got up to wash the attachments with soap and water and wipe down the machine. MasterDoc had me draw him a bath, and he came into the bathroom holding my bdsm checklist that I had filled out for him before we first played. As he climbed into the bath he told me that he wanted me to go review the list, with an eye towards pleasing him, and update anything that may have changed now that I knew him better. A few things went up in desirability (or at least became less undesirable) and he seemed fairly pleased with the changes. I finished cleaning up the living room, got dressed and headed out, of course giving MasterDoc a hug and a kiss before going.

I was exhausted that night, but it was a good exhausted. Whenever I'd complain about how tired I was Davey would say, "Nope, the sympathy meter isn't going up." lol Or, "I was at work today. Nope, not going up." (Although something else did go up, so he took care of that while I showered. I was too tired to be of much use to anyone. Also my labia (inner and outer) were still puffy and engorged with blood when I went to shower about two hours after I had gotten off the sybian. Things are a bit sensitive down there today.)

FMF

2007-11-10T16:30:00.000-05:00

It's been a busy week so I'm just now getting to write down my experiences on Tuesday night. I think I've mentioned that MasterDoc and I were looking for a woman to join us in a threesome, and we've been talking to a few women. On Tuesday we met the first of these women. M. was a brave girl and came to meet us at MasterDoc's apartment. (I would insist on meeting someone in public first but she just went for it.) He picked her up at the subway and dropped her off at his place, heading off to search for parking. I let her in and greeted her. We sat talking, along with MasterDoc's rommate, until he got in.

M. is 23, very cute and curvy in all the right places. I was expected to be aggressive with her, but I'm total crap at being aggressive, particularly with women. I find that because of things that have happened to me non-consensually I'm extremely fearful of doing anything that might upset a woman. I realize it's not totally rational but it's a very deep fear I have. I never want to be responsible for a woman feeling violated or even just pressured. I don't worry so much about men. Also I've recently noticed that I have a tendency to be not just submissive, but rather passive with people who are new. I was quite passive sexually when I started seeing MasterDoc, and again this other night with M. It's curious. I think I understand why I'm this way, but I don't know how to overcome it. I'd much rather let someone else take the lead and get things moving. I think part of it is a fear of being rejected, part of it is from having been assaulted and raped, part of it is a sort of performance anxiety.

We had dinner and then talked, sitting close on the sofa in the living room. M. let her leg lay to the side and rest against mine. I tentatively put my hand on her thigh and occasionally stroked - hardly being aggressive like I was supposed to be. I hadn't talked to her directly about bdsm but I gathered shortly before we arranged to meet her that she and MasterDoc had discussed it and that there was to be a bdsm element to the evening. I knew that he was going to focus on her, and I was fine with that. I felt a little touch of relief to be the one watching someone get her thighs roughly slapped instead of being the one in pain. I enjoyed watching, and got prompted to join in various times. I was enthusiastic when it came to sucking on her nipples (she has lovely full breasts) but hesitant when it came to doing anything new. She kissed softly in that way that women do and I really enjoyed kissing her.

Things gradually got started, a little demonstration of flogging my butt here, a shirt taken off there, nipples sucked, damp panties caressed. She kept closing her eyes so MasterDoc asked if she'd like the blindfold. She said yes and so I put it on her. MasterDoc decided to tie her down on the floor. I set up the mats and the restraints and got her secured. "You're so gentle," she remarked as I put a cuff on her wrist. I figured my gentleness might be a nice contrast to how rough she was going to be treated.

While I was setting everything up, MasterDoc put the TENS leads on her breasts. Unfortunately the battery was dying (and the leads have been used a few times) so M. mostly giggled as the electrical impulses tickled her (either that or she's made of much stronger stuff than I am. lol) I think MasterDoc was a bit disappointed that the TENS unit wasn't working up to capacity. He turned to hot candle wax, dripping it over her breasts, tummy, that really sensitive spot where hip meets thigh. She pulled at the restraints as the hot wax stung. He slapped her thighs as well and they turned bright red like mine do. He instructed me to get the hitatchi magic wand and he set to work using it on her clit. I stroked her top half and played with her nipples while he teased her clit with the wand. He had to nudge me to kiss and nibble on her neck. (Duh, why didn't I think of that?) He asked me to take the wand as he slid his agile fingers inside her. I struggled to hold the wand in place on her clit as he fingered her well. She moaned and writhed, really pulling at the restraints. She had told MasterDoc at one point that she's never had an orgasm, so of course we were both hoping that maybe she'd have her first that night. While she sounded like she was having a really good time, MasterDoc says that he doesn't think she came. Pity.

He gave her a break after this and I released her from the restraints. I stroked and cuddled her a bit and got water for everyone. Next MasterDoc had me lie on the mat and instructed M. to finger me. I was already pretty wet and it was nice to be rewarded with some attention. She did well with her fingers, really getting me hot. I was so wet it was sloshing slightly and MasterDoc commented on this from his place on the sofa, stroking his cock. He asked if I wanted to get fucked and of course I replied, "Yes Sir."

"Yes, Sir, what?"

"Yes, Sir, please I want you to fuck me."

He asked M. if she thought I deserved to get fucked and she commented on how I was moving myself up and down on her finger and that I clearly wanted it bad. MasterDoc made me beg for a bit, which I gladly did, hoping he'd decide to fuck me. He decided to pay me some attention and told me to get on my knees with my ass in the air. He took me from behind and M. stroked my back and shoulders while he did. He fucked me really hard and I loved every second of it. One thing that was really hot was while he was fucking me, he got her bent over me and I could hear him slapping her ass. He let me come and I was moaning, grunting, screaming as I came.

Bruises

2007-11-05T21:56:00.000-05:00

I'm not ranting so much now although I bemoaned the stress of being a slutty woman in a world that's anti-slutty women to D.S. today. It gets wearing sometimes. Most of the time I'm perfectly happy being a wild pervert, getting off on all sorts of interesting things, but every now and then being viewed as a skanky ho gets to me. It's not a fair assessment, and I know this, but getting a negative reaction often enough is wearing. Thankfully I have D.S., Davey and MasterDoc (among others) who view my slutty-ness as a positive and even empowered thing. (MasterDoc once said to me, "What's the definition of a slut? A woman who has as much sex as you'd like to have." Hee hee.)

I saw MasterDoc today and.... got to clean his bedroom. lol I knew that someday he'd make good on his threat to have me over just to clean and today he did. Thankfully, however, he was tempted by my sitting around in my underwear (his apartment is so hot and I was sweaty after cleaning) so cleaning wasn't the only thing we ended up doing.

So yes, I did my submissive duty by taking out the garbage today and cleaning up his bedroom but then I was thankfully rewarded with a good over the knee spanking followed by harsh slaps to my delicate inner thighs. My pain tolerance wasn't too bad when I was getting smacked on my ass and back of my thighs, but once he had me turn around so that my front was exposed to his slapping hands it became much harder to keep my composure or to keep my legs apart. He'd take a break from the hitting to finger my pussy for a bit, finding me sopping wet. At one point he asked if he needed to gag me as I was crying out in pain. I said, "Yes, Sir." but he decided he'd rather hear me cry out. I've got some lovely bruises on my inner thighs now. D.S. suggested taking pictures of them to post here but I'm too tired tonight.

Of course MasterDoc also had me suck his cock quite a bit. Yummy. I wasn't given an orgasm, he wants me primed and ready for the threesome we have planned for tomorrow night....

-------------

I'm chatting with an old friend (ok, a guy I've fooled around with) and he's just asked me what my favorite thing to do sexually is. And I answered honestly - have orgasms. lol He met me years ago when I was experimenting with being dominant and he's defintely a sub. Pity he's married and settled down now and not getting to explore his kinky side. (He reads this blog now and then to live vicariously through me. Obviously since the time I met him I've decided I'm much more sub than dom, which I knew to begin with but I had to experiment a little.) We just had a nice chat about the joys of hot wax. Yes, yet another person who appreciates me for who I am.

Being a Sub, Part III

2007-11-02T20:30:00.000-05:00

It's funny that in the same few days I was questioning my ability to really be submissive, I got totally turned on by that link I found over at Bitchy Jones' Diary. The idea of being trained properly got me really hot. And while there's a part of me that is very independent, I really like the idea of being a properly trained slut. I sometimes get a little sad that I can't totally and utterly submit sexually to MasterDoc (because if I were to do so I'd end up messing up my relationship with Davey, and I certainly don't want to do that). But I do what I can to keep my submission from being half-assed. For instance, I have taken it seriously that I don't masturbate without his permission. Davey has joked with me, "You could masturbate, I wouldn't tell on you." but doing that would really feel fucked up. I like being sub. Funny tidbit, yesterday morning I dreamt that I was starting to masturbate and in the dream I remembered that I wasn't allowed to without MasterDoc's permission, and so I stopped. (The dream then ended up with some sort of orgy in my parents' front yard with MasterDoc spurring me on to be slutty and me worrying that my parents were going to come out of the house and find me in the middle of this orgy. Yeah, Freud would have a friggin' field day with that. Still, the orgy part was hot. The main image I remember is a really hot woman with a hot, wet pussy.)

I sometimes wish that MasterDoc would be a little more strict with me. When we have an audience I mostly remember to address him properly but without an audience I get a little lax. I'd like to be properly trained so that I don't forget. (On the other hand, one of the things I like about MasterDoc is that he's not a 24/7 kind of dom and he doesn't take himself too seriously.) I'd also like to work on taking more pain than I can currently take. I want to please him and be a sub, and not seem like just some casual playmate.

I guess there's a part of me that realizes that many would consider me a kinky perverted freak at worst, and just a little silly for all my D/s playing at least. And that part of me is a little uncomfortable with how much I want to indulge in these fantasies. Last night I had another sexy dream and it was all about submitting and being fucked oh so slowly. Man, it was the best dream ever.